A Vicious Circle of Suck

My forms and combinations suck! I know I'm doing a bunch of things wrong but I can't do them in front of people to get corrected to do them right and when I have to do them in front of people in class I start doing random basic things wrong or completely get confused and start doing the wrong form halfway through.  I have this total paralyzing fear of being watched doing kung fu which seems to render my limbs useless, this also happens when I spar too, I seem to just get hit alot.  I was told it is a bad example for me to organize the demo and not be in it.  That makes me feel bad but it makes me feel much worse the thought of having to do kung fu in front of everyone.  I'm going to try to do a self defense thing for 10 seconds, I hope I can at least manage that.  I used to even try to be farthest away from the benches if there was anyone there watching a class.  I don't know why I have this irrational fear, I just do and it sucks!

Demo Dilemma

Well, I'm not entirely sure what possessed me to organize the first demo.  Especially since I haven't even ever been involved with one.  I think I might give my mom a call and see how many times she dropped me on my head as a child.  As an orange belt it's really difficult to speak up and say what you think when surrounded by so many higher belts.  I started off trying to appease everyone and realized very quickly that won't happen.  I completely understand alot of the reasons behind not being able to make it to practices.  Family, classes, work, sickness...all very good reasons.  I personally know what it's like to not see much of a significant other and it sucks for me to have to watch people having to make the decision in either telling their spouse they can't spend the evening with them as planned or having to tell your I Ho Chaun team mates that you can't make practice.  Either way, you're disappointing someone.  So at first I tried to hold a spot for everyone.  That didn't work out so well.  After watching a group of 8-10 people consistently showing up, trying to practice without their partners...well, this didn't seem fair either.
So what do you do?  For me it's tough, especially coming from where I am in the heiarchy.  I had to make difficult decisions and pull people from areas that they wanted to be in simply so we have the potential to have something ready in case this demo is in a week. 
I see myself doing this very differently in the future if I'm ever crazy enough to do it again.

I Slept Through Class

I said I would post why I missed a class for now on so here it is...

I was not at class yesterday because I sat down to eat at 5:30, the next thing I knew I looked at my clock at it was 8:23.  I fell asleep.  I struggle with these later classes and having to be up so early the next day.  I'm hoping my body adjusts eventually.  Monday and Wednesday nights I get home at 10:30 and I'm up until almost midnight if not later, then waking up to go to work.  How did everyone get through this as an orange belt?

Jealousy

I've spent most of my life being jealous of those that are good at things that I would want to be good at. Or I'd try something and just quit right away because I felt I wasn't good enough. What a stupid thing to waste time on.  I was always to embarrassed to be in front of people learning something new.  Still am, but I'm forcing myself out of that habit.  I'm learning to be ok with sucking for now and one day slowly, there will be things I don't suck at.  I am no longer allowing fear of failing stop me from doing anything.  I'm living my life off my couch now and loving it. 

Thank you all for allowing me to attemp to organize our first demo.  I apologize for being so wishy washy and not getting it together better.  I'm intimidated working around so many great martial artists and I don't want to get 20 ninjas mad at me.

Warm Ups are Scary

Well, it happened, I lead my first warm up.  People came up to me and said I didn't seem nervous at all and I did a good job.  You people are so nice.  I don't know how that is possible.  I feel really hot like you do before you're about to faint and my knees shake.  If I come across as confident, it's a pretty good facade I've got going on.  Regardless, I hope that's the last one I have to do for awhile, I was not prepared for that.

We did forms yesterday, I'm not sure why but I get all flustered and confused when doing group forms class.  I do the wrong form half way through and start messing up very basic things.  It took me months, almost a year before I could do my first form in class, even though I had been doing it months by myself at home.  I don't know why I got this irrational fear of having anyone watch me do anything.  Oh well, I guess I'll just keep trying.

On another note, I'm really sad about the senseless violence over in Boston yesterday.  What drives people to do these things?  I can't even watch or read the news anymore, I don't even like alot of these abuse posts that come up on my facebook.  I can't handle it.  It makes it so difficult to be nice to people and not live in constant fear.  I understand why I have to do it though, everyone has a responsibility to make this world better.

Have a good week Snake Team!

Guilt

I'm starting to feel guilty, when I miss class, when I eat McDonalds, when I'm not practicing when I know I should be.  Saturday I was at Shaolin Fitness.  That class kills me, I can't breath and my whole body is shaky when I'm finished.  I practiced rope dart for a bit after and went to get a well needed snack.  When I got back I went to the changeroom to wait for our I Ho Chaun meeting.  There was a Sifu practicing kicks in there while she waited for the same meeting.  I know I should've been doing the same thing but I just sat there and watched.  I didn't want to move a muscle.  In fact all I could think of was a nap.  When she was done we discussed pushups and situps, I told her that I was only doing 20, I couldn't do anymore.  She told me I could and gave me suggestions on different modified things that I could do since I'm having problems with my core not being strong enough yet.  I was only counting full pushups and situps because those are what counts during a fitness test.  I didn't know how it would look if I counted all these numbers but couldn't actually do the proper techniques in class.  What kind of modified situps and pushups do you guys count, if any?  I have problems staying straight and holding my core after 10 pushups, my back isn't strong enough yet, nor are my shoulders.  Also crunches and situps are a problem, again they hurt my back as well.  I also need tips on how to keep breathing properly during fitness class.  I try to breath slowly and into my diaphragm but I still end up taking shallow breaths and not get enough oxyjen.

Anything suggestions you have are appreciated.  I want to get to 75 of each a day before next meeting AND I want to LOG them!

Why Kung Fu?

I often wonder why I keep going to kung fu.  I wondered that again last night after doing a fitness class that made me re-taste my dinner.  It wouldn't be so bad if I felt like I did a great job but hearing everyone around me count 49-50-51-52... while I'm doing twwoooo *wheeze* threeeee *gasp* foouur *bigger gasp*... I consistently feel like the slow kid in the back of the class that no-one wants to partner up with, but we all know someone has to.  My life a few years ago was so much easier and alot less embarrassing.  So why do I keep going?  No idea, Maybe future black belt Lindsay will be able to tell you, maybe not.  Maybe I just like to torture myself.  Sigh...

Things Are Changing

I'm not remembering to log things, I'm only doing 20 pushups and situps per day if I remember.  I don't have rounds of sparring logged and haven't been remembering to work on my hand form...but I am changing from who I was 2 months ago.

There was a guy I've worked with for the past year.  He's always complaining, angry, cursing about everything and just someone in general that I avoided and couldn't be bothered dealing with unless I absolutely had to.  Over the past couple months I consciously decided to look him in the eyes, smile and say good morning or hello everytime I saw him.  About a month ago he started to smile and say hi back.  Within the past couple weeks he now stops to talk to me in my office or when he sees me on site.  I've learned alot about him.  His family is all back in Germany and he has been here alone for years to make money for them.  He's lonely.  I didn't realize such a slight change in my attitude would drastically change a work relationship that before was non existent.

Change is very hard and I struggle with being a better person everyday, but I'm a work in progress and will keep trying.

Just Me and My Buckleys

Well, this diet thing has been pretty easy the past 5 days since I was living off soup and tea.  I got hit pretty hard with a pretty bad head cold.  I couldn't breath for 4 days.

Honestly though for the April diet, I'm doing way better than anticipated.  I actually gave away ALL my Easter chocolate.  I'm not sacrificing chocolate completely but if its not conveniently in my cupboard, I won't be tempted to gorge myself with it.  I have to want it bad enough to travel to the store and buy it.  So far, I haven't wanted it that badly yet.  I've also been making smoothies in the morning.  The night before I put my frozen fruit in a Magic Bullet cup and the next morning it takes me 2 minutes to make my breakfast.  My new 2 minute breakfast actually allows me time in the morning to get in some pushups and crunches and I'm not waking up any earlier.  Yay Me!!!

Now that I got that part sorted out, I wish I can get myself remembering to log things.  I've even put my book on my coffee table, by my bed or carried it with me and I'm not remembering.  Sigh, I hope I get it eventually.

Anyway, if you want to try my smoothie, I put in one small cube of frozen spinach, equal parts of strawberry, blueberry and pineapple, one small package of Greek yogurt and fill the rest of the space with cranberry juice.

Have a good week!

I'm Getting Beat Up By My Sparring Gear

Hello All!  I sparred with my sparring gear for the first time last night.  It really hurt my feet, it felt like the bottom of my feet were being cut up, they weren't but it sure felt like it, and my toes kept getting caught and I thought I was going to break a toe.  Is this normal at first because I'm not used to it, or should I get new sparring gear?

One Foot In Front Of The Other

I was re-reading my posts.  I'm hoping they aren't coming across as negative.  I'm not trying to be, just trying to be as honest as possible.  I'm a very self aware, realistic person.  I know my strengths and weakness, right now I'm trying to work on the latter.  I woke up today and decided to do some pushups and situps, its amazing how much you regress when you skip a couple of weeks.  I struggled with my regular 20, sad, I know.  I know I'll get back into it now that I'll be back in class tonight.

I have also been working on the diet thing.  I'm an awful eater, hate to cook and will avoid it at all costs.  I'm starting off with the breakfasts and lunches and what I snack on throughout the day.  I have also told Josh, he will be taking half my Easter chocolate.  The thought is bringing a tear to my eye.  Me and chocolate are really good friends.  I've been bringing smoothies to work for me for breakfasts for a week.  I brought apples to snack on and I have a vinegar and oil dressing for the salads I'll be getting from the Subway across the street.  I also am taking my vitamins again.  I'm still struggling with the dinner thing, I cook for one and dislike being in a kitchen.  One thing at a time!

Here's hoping I can stick with all this...Even past April.

Back In Action

I will be back in classes tomorrow!  My company truck has been fixed, my personal vehicle is still patiently waiting in line.  You'd think being at home, I would practice lots since I'm not in class. Quite the opposite with me.  The less I'm at the Kwoon the less motivated I am to do anything kung fu related.  In fact, I looked at my numbers and didn't log a single thing.  I think this is a prime example of why staying engaged is so important, its so easy to detach yourself from training.  Now not only do I feel guilty for not practicing, I'm going to be all upset about the fact I'm behind again.  It's my fault and no one elses, I chose what to do with my time, now I have to deal with it and put one foot in front of the other.