What's Up With My Face

I watched the Forms Seminar video. It's really hard to watch yourself. The first thing I noticed is my weird facial expressions. Seriously?! What's wrong with my face? Watching the video though, I don't think I came across as nervous as I felt which is a good thing. I thought for sure my shakiness and nerves would be amplified times 100 watching it on tape, but it seemed ok, I seemed alot calmer than I thought I would. I'm always told I need flow, with my forms and combinations. I'm not sure how to do that. How do I finish a move and go to the next and be flowy at the same time. Maybe it'll just happen when I'm not such a young grasshopper.

Don't Ask

Sometimes I hate when people ask me what's wrong. I hate answering that question. My body hurts all the time, sometimes worse than others, but I don't like explaining it to people because I always think that the person asking is thinking..."Here she goes again..." or "What's up with her her now." *Followed by an eye roll* I often feel crazy going to the doctors about things and just handed a prescription for muscle relaxants or some other pill they think will work. I want the problems fixed, not masked. When I injured my arm a few years ago and was going to physio I asked the therapist about some of my other problems and saw her for awhile, but it didn't really help so I just gave up after awhile. Now that I'm trying to get into a training routine, I figured I'd try again, so I researched doctors on my own and found a chiropractor with a good reputation. I have more xrays and body scans this week and I'm hoping between new treatments and a new bed that I will be buying in October, I'll feel better and less like a whiner. I remember my mom going through this before she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. She thought she was going crazy while spending years and years going to different doctors before she got her diagnoses. I'm hoping that my issues are fixable and that I've found someone that will actually help me.

Post Forms Seminar

I'm not going to lie, I woke up the day of the Forms Seminar and considered eating a raw chicken so I could call in with samonella. It took all my will power to get ready and into the car to go. Yep, I was that afraid of doing a form in front of everyone. The thing that made me go was that I told Ms. Tomie I would and it would've been super crappy of me to not show up knowing she's just as afraid of the same thing I am. Plus, I also told Sifu Lindstrom I would do it and I could almost picture an evil glint in his eye as he made me do 6 months worth of consecutive warm ups for not upholding my end of the deal. So, I went. It took me awhile to relax as the nerves ravaged my stomach. I did end up calming down a bit and learned alot from Sifu Freitag. It amazes my how Sifus can see how your body is moving and immediately correct it. I didn't know I had been doing a bowstance wrong this whole time and I can definitely feel the difference. I also learned how to do a dragons whip alot better. I also got some really good advice on how to try to control my brain from messing with me so I can just let my body do its thing. I'm definitely going to be working on that. I really enjoyed learning more about Da Mu Hsing and what I can do better. But then the time came, I had to do my form in front of the judges. My stomach flipped as I heard my name called and I turned really hot and my legs became rubber. All I could do is look at the door and wonder if I could escape without anyone noticing. I did it, and it took quite awhile for my heart to finally slow down. I understand why doing these things are important. If you were attacked you'd have the same sort of adrenelin rush and you need to teach your body to react in spite of it. What's the point of all this training if your just going to stay frozen if given that real life situation. Still...knowing that...doesn't make it easier. The only thing I can advise so far, if you feel the same way as I do about these things is; First, Join something like the I Ho Chaun or volunteer with things around the kwoon. It helps to turn Sifu faces into friendly ones and not intimidating ones, and these things are the way to do that. Second, try to partner up with someone who also feel the same way and be accountable for helping and encouraging each other. Knowing I'm going to disappoint someone if I don't do something makes it harder to just not show up. If I always tell Sifu Lindstrom and Ms. Tomie that I'll be somewhere, if I'm not there, I have some 'splaining to do. Anyway, I'll keep trying and hopefully figure out some more things that work for me, and maybe you too, when and if you're in a similar situation.

Seminar in 3-2-1...

I signed up for the forms seminar and I'm way beyond just nervous, I actually feel fearful. Not from the chance to learn my form better, but for the part where I have to do it in front of everyone. My face is getting really hot, and my legs are turning to rubber just thinking about it. I wish I could lose this stupid, irrational fear. Like I said in a previous blog, I didn't have it when I was younger, so what the heck? It's not like I had anything happen that would cause it so it simply just makes absolutely no sense what so ever. Well, see you Saturday where I'm going to spontaneously combust...or cry, haven't decided which.

Walking Meditation

We started bootcamp with walking meditation. For most of it, I just could not clear my mind. It was taken over by things I had to do, things I may have forgot, how tired I was and nerves about the rest of the day. The last few minutes though I managed to finally relax. All I could feel was the slight breeze and the hot sun on my face. All I could hear was the rustling of the leaves, the birds chirping and the crunching of the gravel beneath my feet. All I could see was the sky, the movement of the leaves and grass and the trees and clouds around me. My emotions were very peaceful and all I could think is how wonderful it would be to feel this way more often.

Brain VS Body - Round 1

Brain: "We're going to do Da Mu Hsing and we are going to remember to do our inside and reverse hooking block properly with a snap at the end and not just hook, we are also to keep our wrist straight when we punch." Body: "We'll see about that" Brain: "Do it!" Body: "No!" Brain: "We've practiced this form, we know to do these things, why won't you just cooperate?!" Body: "I don't wanna, it's funny watching you try to do it this way." Brain: "For once would you just cooperate?!" Body: "No!" SIGH...

Forms Seminar

I've been thinking about doing the forms seminar since it was announced. I really need work on Da Mu Hsing and I know one on one time with a Sifu for 4 hours would do alot of good. Here's the problem, I have to do my form in front of everyone at the end. I'm pretty sure my head will fall off and I will spontaneously combust as soon as I get up there. I have no idea where this irrational fear comes from. When I was younger, I had no problems with public performances at all. Where did this happen, it makes no sense. Anything you could say to help, I KNOW...it unfortunately doesn't change anything. If I'm there on the 17th, I am very uncomfortable and my heart is racing. If I'm not there, I chickened out. Guess I'll see if I'm brave enough to register on Friday.

So Long Buddy

Cancer took a wonderful man and great musician. Fred LaRose was the type of person that asked how you were doing and cared about your answer. He was never in too much of a hurry to listen when needed and always took time for those around him. He was such a gentle soul. He gave me my first guitar and it will be a goal of mine to learn to play it. The world certainly doesn't make much sense in times like this. Why good men are taken so early. It seems like it would be more fair if the better person you are, the longer you live, the meaner you are, the shorter your life. I guess not everything is meant to be understood. Rest in Peace Fred.