How?

I'm not quite sure what to do to change things. Last year I did I Ho Chaun and changed alot about myself, but it felt really lonely. My friends stopped calling because "all you ever do is kung fu" and really I'm pretty sure I bored them to death because it's all I had to talk about. Josh and I barely saw each other too. This year I'm trying to balance things better, but now I just feel like a terrible team mate. I'm not sure where to find that balance and what to do about it.

I'm definitely one that has good intentions but doesn't follow through in alot of ways. I keep trying to log, but I don't. I don't do all the reps I'm supposed too. I don't do things publicly. I am trying to be better disciplined but I'm not sure how to do it while keeping everything important to me in balance. Public demos are something that's going to take me a long time to be able to do, even the thought of it makes me want to hurl. I know that it's something that's going to be alot of work.

I get up between 5am and 6am during the week, depending on what I have to do at work that day. I started trying to get up everyday at 5 and the days I don't have to be at work so early, my intention was to go to the gym. That happened once, I have an issue with my snooze button. The one day I did go, I felt really good about myself. I walked a mile, did modified ab and shoulder exercises, all before 6am and I felt that wonderful soreness throughout my body when you know you've had a good workout. But...IT's 5AM!

One thing I have to say I'm happy I'm doing is continuing San Shao. I don't like sparring because I feel really uncoordinated and awkward and I don't know what to do, I wanted to quit that class within the first 20 minutes, but I'm still there and calming down more as I'm learning things. When I am not frustrated with myself and learning, I enjoy it alot more. I was also super nervous to be in the back of the advanced class because I know I don't belong there, but I did, and the time works so much better with my schedule.

So, I guess my to do list is;

Go to the gym on the days I am not at work for 6:30am.
Continue going to San Shao.
Find a way to remember to log and do it!!!
Attend all my classes.

Public demos are going to still have to be a work in progress. I'm still not ready for that yet...I know the point of doing I Ho Chaun is to do things publicly, but I'm just not there yet, unless you want a demo consisting of a girl fainting in front of a whole bunch of people. In that case, I'm your girl! You could copy and paste Sifu Rybak's blog and insert it as mine, because I can relate completely.

Grateful to be Sick

We have a few people working for us who immigrated to Canada within the past few years. A couple of these people are the happiest people I have ever met. 2 of them are always smiling and singing and I've never heard them complain about anything, not even once. I learned that the 2 of them are both from Burma. One of them was taken from his family and forced to become a child soldier. The other one can't sleep in a bed because when he was escaping his country, he slept on the jungle floor, so to this day he sleeps on the floor where he lives. Both of them are happy to just not be being shot at on a daily bases. Some of these people's stories are incredible and so very humbling. So, yes I am thankful to just be sick, comfortable on my couch, in Canada.

I Didn't Even Know...

It wasn't until a couple days ago that I realized how much had changed. 2 years ago, I'd look in my cupboards and see Mr. Noodle, Mac and Cheese, cookies, chips and pretty much anything microwavable. Today I look in my cupboard and I see grains, spinach pasta, canned fruits and veggies and low sodium soups. 2 years ago, I'd look in my freezer and see microwavable dinners and ice cream. Today it's stocked with frozen fruit for morning smoothies. 2 years ago I'd look in my fridge and see sugary iced tea, and not much else but condiments. Today it's full of different leafy vegetables, mushrooms, cucumber, tomatoes, natural fruit juice and homemade granola bars. 2 years ago I walked with my feet splayed outward, head down and arms crossed. Today I walk with my feet straight, head up and arms at my side. 2 years ago I would never in a million years get out of bed earlier than I had to for anything unless my bed was on fire. Today I got up at 5am to go to the gym.

If I Ho Chaun changed me, it can change you...but you have to not give up. I failed and started over many times but I never stopped completely. If you feel resentful, angry or negative in any way, find someone to talk to. If you're missing classes to avoid something or because you're afraid of something, talk about it. You'll change in ways you won't even realize until you're looking back at yourself 2 years ago.

Gotta Keep Going

Still haven't been back to class. The plan is to start again on Wednesday. I had my first personal training session yesterday. I wasn't that impressed, so Josh is coming to the gym with me on Monday and help me come up with a routine. The plan is to go to the gym 4 days a week. 2 days for strength, 2 days for cardio and stretching. I just don't know where to start and I'm kind of uncomfortable being there so far because I don't know how to use the machines. Hopefully after Monday I'll get it sorted out.

I'm still looking into better food. Cruelty free meat is more expensive and harder to find, but I think if we all start being more responsible in our food choices the demand will create more options. Being responsible is the least I can do. So far Planet Organic seems alright, but I still have to research it further since the term "organic" and "cruelty free" are so loosely utilized. At least I'm heading in a better direction.

I still struggle with logging. I should probably start blogging my numbers again. It seems like a day turns to a week and a week into a month rather quickly if you're not accountable to anyone but yourself.

Happy Easter everyone!

What am I Going to do About it?

I've decided to force myself to feel better, it's going to be hard but the alternative is to keep getting weaker like I have been. I've missed alot of kung fu, alot from not feeling well and being so tired, and alot from being embarrassed about how out of shape I am now. I talked to Sifu Brinker and I'm going to attend the advanced class for a little while because it's earlier. At least this way I'm still learning kung fu and will follow along the best I can or practice at the back of the class. I will just have to go at my own pace until I'm ready to go back into my later class. I also got a personal trainer to help me gain some strength back. I told them I want to work on my core and shoulders so I can do more situps and pushups and I want to work on my endurance. They are going to start me off slowly. My intention is to go to the gym 3 times a week and start going to kung fu classes again as much as possible.

Josh and I also bought a whole bunch of frozen fruit and fresh veggies. My diet was slowly falling off the wagon but I'm back to fruit smoothies for breakfast and salads for lunch. I didn't even buy any Jalapeno Cheetos...even though I'm pretty sure they are the most delicious thing I've ever eaten. I even got a homemade tea made for me by Josh's friend who's studied herbology.

I hope I can keep up with my gameplan. I deleted Facebook off my phone, so I could dedicate the time I'd be wasting on Facebook, logging my numbers. I have the hardest time with that.

Wish me luck!

Well That's Embarrassing

So during Saturdays meeting frustration built up and I started to cry in front of everyone. How embarrassing. I don't cry in front of people so that's a first for me. I must've needed it.

The physical part of kung fu has been extremely difficult for me lately. 90% of me wants to just quit but what would that do for me. I'd end up rotting in front of my television. So I just have to keep going and do what I can. Lately I've been researching foods, watching documentaries and learning drum patterns for lion dance so one day I can do the drums. I've got a game plan to attend earlier classes when I can and if I can be patient with myself and not get frustrated at least I'll still be engaged with my training. I just need to accept the fact that I'm going to suck for awhile. I guess sucking for awhile is better than giving up and sucking forever. One day, I'll look at my numbers and be so proud of myself. Today is just not that day.