Well, it's been awhile. Awhile since I've blogged and awhile since I've been to class. Without complaining or making excuses, I'll simply say, things have not been easy. It's taken me awhile to accept that I am mentally ill...and especially had a hard time seeing everyone after publishing my last blog. Apparently I've been "mentally ill" for longer than I thought. Things I've been experiencing my entire life I thought were just normal. Apparently not so much. I always knew I was an anxious person and knew I had a mild case of OCD, but the rest of it I didn't know. I do have anxiety disorders worse than I thought and the whole depression thing, I haven't been able to cope with dealing with it very well. Hiding it, easy, most people, even the ones closest to me have no idea. Wake up, slap a grin on your face, walk out the door or fake sick and don't leave your house at all. Dealing with it in a real way isn't so easy. I was supposed to go to therapy but didn't go, I totally didn't want anything to do with it. Talking about it is difficult, people think that people with depression just aren't grateful, not true. I promise you that isn't true, I am extremely grateful. Also, being real about my issues makes me feel like that negative person. I'm not that either. I also learned that I'm not an angry person, it's a reaction to the anxiety. Control the anxiety, control the anger. It's a vicious circle not many people wish to discuss because they just wish it would go away. Sigh...Well, I'm going to have to get used to talking about it if I'm going to get the help I need. Maybe I'll attempt therapy again, I'm just not ready yet.
I still think about kung fu even though I altogether stopped practicing. I haven't been to a regular class for over a year, been months since an I Ho Chaun class. I will come back eventually, however it definitely becomes easier not to when you've been away for so long. I joined the Monkey team, so I can't completely disappear.
I will mention, I haven't yet drowned my sorrows in bacon. It's been over a year now since I've eaten meat...hmmmm...maybe it's my lack of bacon making me depressed...something to ponder. :) Just kidding, it's actually easy now and I like it a lot. Most people haven't got used to not getting me the Keg giftcards for special occassions yet, but I'm pretty sure Josh likes it, since he ends up getting to spend them while I sit there being THAT girl on a date that just orders a salad, assuring everyone that I do in fact actually eat. I even eat broccoli now. I HATED broccoli, but darn it if it isn't delicious roasted with olive oil, garlic and lemon juice. Mmmmmm...broccoli. Ok, seriously, I need to go make some broccoli.
Anyway, that's it for now.
See you at the kwoon.
