Hiatus

I had to leave kung fu for awhile to figure things out for myself.  I sunk into a depression I couldn't get out of.  After my brother committed suicide it forced me to think about myself and the things I've been ignoring and not accepting of myself.  I needed to figure out and fix these things out on my own without anyone else's influence.  It scared me that I didn't really care anymore if I was alive because I wasn't living anyway.  I needed that to change.

The depression got bad.  I wasn't leaving the couch and calling in sick to work.  I started seeing a councillor which was really hard to do at first but it has been helpful as I have a lot in my mind to unload.  I tend to bottle everything up and not deal with things properly which has led me to being where I am.

I also have been still trying to control my panic attacks.  I find myself avoiding situations that cause me anxiety, but is that really living? Nope.  So I'm dealing with that slowly.  It was really stressful for me to be in the crowded kwoon during the I Ho Chaun classes.  I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous but I need my space to breathe.  My goal is to come back to a regular class once a week starting in the spring.  I seem to join the team every year and then slowly disappear.  I need to learn consistency and to handle my anxious mind.  Starting kung fu again slowly and maintaining once a week first, and going up from there.  Eventually I will join the I Ho Chaun again, when I'm able to be more consistent and not such a disappointment to the team.  I'm not happy that I become unreliable.

One of the things that I'm learning to accept is the fact I won't be a mom.  This is something I wanted as long as I remember.  I get asked all the time if I have kids and when I say I don't, I get the whole speech about how it's not too late and so and so is pregnant and they're in their 50s and blah blah blah.  Some women can't have kids or won't for many reasons and although I'm sure these people mean well, I wish they'd shut up.  I'm always jealous watching new moms with their babies.  Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, it will just never be me.  This is something that bothered me more than I realized.  We are now starting to discuss possibly in a few years fostering.  We need to get out of debt and get a bit of a bigger place, but why not consider giving a child who needs one, a home.

I am very introverted.  People are always very surprised that I am also very shy.  I very much prefer to be alone with a book, a cat, and my coffee.  The amount I was isolating myself wasn't healthy though.  I have been trying to get involved in more volunteer groups.  That way I'm around people but busy doing things and not feel uncomfortable and having to engage in awkward conversation.

I have a lot of self improvement to do and I realize many of my blogs make me sound crazy, but this is me.  In spite of all my madness, I have a big heart.  All I can do is keep trying to fix the rest of me. I still keep in contact with Sifu Brinker.  I appreciate the time he gives me as he has a knack for making me feel a bit more normal and feel better about how I think about life.  It keeps me connected to the kwoon.  I also really enjoy Sifu Stoddart's blogs.  I don't know her very well, but for some reason feel a connection with her.  I really admire  the way she lives her life in spite of what she's been through.
I admire the strength of many of you, and appreciate the amount of support a few of you have given me over the years.  Keep blogging.

See you at the kwoon!