First Week Done

I always had a hard time when trying to do a form in class. I tried to keep up with the class speed and get all flustered watching everyone else. Turns out, I still do, but it doesn’t bother me anymore. I don’t let it stress me out. I just try to stop watching, collect myself and continue. If I mess up, I mess up, pick a thing to practice and move on. 

Hi Again!

Right before Covid started I had participated in a kung fu class again as a white belt.  I had to talk myself up to that class so when the world shut down shortly after it was easy to be like "Well, I tried".  The call of the kwoon keeps beckoning me back though and I had a meeting with Sifu Brinker. I'll be starting again on Monday.  It's hard to return.  I'm out of shape.  I can't remember stuff, etc, etc, but I don't want to look back in my life and say I didn't even try.  So here's to new beginnings!

Hiatus

I had to leave kung fu for awhile to figure things out for myself.  I sunk into a depression I couldn't get out of.  After my brother committed suicide it forced me to think about myself and the things I've been ignoring and not accepting of myself.  I needed to figure out and fix these things out on my own without anyone else's influence.  It scared me that I didn't really care anymore if I was alive because I wasn't living anyway.  I needed that to change.

The depression got bad.  I wasn't leaving the couch and calling in sick to work.  I started seeing a councillor which was really hard to do at first but it has been helpful as I have a lot in my mind to unload.  I tend to bottle everything up and not deal with things properly which has led me to being where I am.

I also have been still trying to control my panic attacks.  I find myself avoiding situations that cause me anxiety, but is that really living? Nope.  So I'm dealing with that slowly.  It was really stressful for me to be in the crowded kwoon during the I Ho Chaun classes.  I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous but I need my space to breathe.  My goal is to come back to a regular class once a week starting in the spring.  I seem to join the team every year and then slowly disappear.  I need to learn consistency and to handle my anxious mind.  Starting kung fu again slowly and maintaining once a week first, and going up from there.  Eventually I will join the I Ho Chaun again, when I'm able to be more consistent and not such a disappointment to the team.  I'm not happy that I become unreliable.

One of the things that I'm learning to accept is the fact I won't be a mom.  This is something I wanted as long as I remember.  I get asked all the time if I have kids and when I say I don't, I get the whole speech about how it's not too late and so and so is pregnant and they're in their 50s and blah blah blah.  Some women can't have kids or won't for many reasons and although I'm sure these people mean well, I wish they'd shut up.  I'm always jealous watching new moms with their babies.  Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, it will just never be me.  This is something that bothered me more than I realized.  We are now starting to discuss possibly in a few years fostering.  We need to get out of debt and get a bit of a bigger place, but why not consider giving a child who needs one, a home.

I am very introverted.  People are always very surprised that I am also very shy.  I very much prefer to be alone with a book, a cat, and my coffee.  The amount I was isolating myself wasn't healthy though.  I have been trying to get involved in more volunteer groups.  That way I'm around people but busy doing things and not feel uncomfortable and having to engage in awkward conversation.

I have a lot of self improvement to do and I realize many of my blogs make me sound crazy, but this is me.  In spite of all my madness, I have a big heart.  All I can do is keep trying to fix the rest of me. I still keep in contact with Sifu Brinker.  I appreciate the time he gives me as he has a knack for making me feel a bit more normal and feel better about how I think about life.  It keeps me connected to the kwoon.  I also really enjoy Sifu Stoddart's blogs.  I don't know her very well, but for some reason feel a connection with her.  I really admire  the way she lives her life in spite of what she's been through.
I admire the strength of many of you, and appreciate the amount of support a few of you have given me over the years.  Keep blogging.

See you at the kwoon!

Why I Disappear

This blog is going to be an embarrassing one to write and I can feel myself going red as I write it as I don't like this part of myself.  I've been battling panic attacks and depression for the past few months which is why you haven't seen me.  It is unusual for me to get this bad this time of year, typically it's winter time that I deal with this and usually it doesn't last this long.  With the help of a doctor, I am starting to feel better.  I'm introverted by nature so I already find it tiring to be around people sometimes, and the past few months I felt it impossible and even called into work "sick" a few times because I couldn't deal with anything at all.  No matter how hard and how many times I'd try to change my brain pattern into thinking about everything I was grateful for or think about positive things, it didn't help.  To be honest, after the past couple years of being unreliable I would just like to never show up to SRKF again.  I'm embarrassed.  But, I will, and all I can say is I'm sorry and I'm working on it.  One day I'll get a grasp on my defective brain.

See you at the kwoon.

Roller Coaster of a Week

This week was a roller coaster.  A reasonably good week topped off with really bad news that threw us for a loop.  I'm going to focus on the good.

I was having a hard time finding a homeless shelter that had volunteer opportunities that worked with my current schedule.  In my search, the Youth Empowerment Support Service (YESS) volunteer coordinator contacted me and asked if I'd be willing to be put on their event list so that when they need people they could contact me.  I agreed and volunteered for the YESS Gala on Friday night.  It was a swanky event to raise money for them, and I assisted with the silent auction.  They had an Alice in Wonderland theme, with a performance from the Alberta Ballet and actors doing small performances throughout the night.  It was super fancy and the auction items were amazing.  One guy won a raffle that included 100 bottles of  wine (I tried to befriend him with no luck).  I had a great time.  I find that in social situations I feel very uncomfortable with lots of people around me, but this was different.  I had something to do, a purpose, and I felt quite comfortable chatting with people I just met.  I feel like volunteering is a good fit for me, and I look forward to future events.

See you at the kwoon!

Trying to Relax

I hate how my anxiousness affects my kung fu.  My nerves kick into high gear during classes.  Kung fu is something I'm not naturally good at.  My body doesn't like cooperating with what my mind tells it to do.  I always feel bad for my instructors as I ask them to repeat the exact same thing 50 times and I still don't get it.  I always wish I could catch on faster, then I make myself even more anxious and then my brain shuts down further and I can't absorb anything.  I also struggle just being in the IHC class because there's so many people around and I always feel on edge.  I have a hard time with letting Sifu's see my forms even one on one, and it makes it difficult to get the proper correction I need to improve, when I can't even perform in front of anyone without feeling beyond awkward.  It looks like I'm not even trying or practicing, but I am.  I'm working on calming myself and receiving instruction from Sifu Brinker to learn Kempo 2 and to learn my sword form from Sifu Beckett.  It may take me a really long time to learn, but hopefully I improve myself even if it's a tiny bit each time.  Maybe one day I won't feel like a turtle on it's back.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not beating myself up, there's plenty of things I'm good at.  This is just something I know I have to work on.

Saturdays and Kindness

I had adjusted my work schedule while I was in school so I had been working Saturdays to have the weekday off I needed to get reading and assignments completed.  It worked really well as no one is in the office on the weekends other than occasionally our cleaning lady and I was able to get things done without being bothered by anything.  I had been calling into the meetings but honestly it was really hard to hear most people and as I was multitasking, I feel like I was missing a lot.  I'm going to be reversing my schedule back to weekends off while I'm not attending classes so I can attend meetings and maybe take in some of these seminars that are being offered.  It's so much better seeing everyone face to face.

After Saturdays meeting Josh called me on my way home to tell me our bearded dragon, Dexter, was acting weird and was really cold.  I knew he was on his last legs as his behaviour was the same as when his sister died the year before.  Sure enough, he passed away later that night.  We took him to a pet cremation place called Atim Creek Pet Crematory.  I know it may seem to people as being a little ridiculous to have a reptile cremated but I'm a huge pet lover regardless of species and felt better having him cremated and spread on the properties garden than having him disposed otherwise.  Anyway, Dave, the gentlemen that's the owner of the company was amazingly kind and I really liked him right away.  We chatted for about an hour.  He asked me if I knew what a RAK was and I smiled and said yes.  I proceeded to tell him about that part of our kung fu training and he told me that I am not to pay him, but to be kind to someone else when the time comes.  It was pretty cool to be on a receiving end of a random act of kindness and it made me want to continue doing more for other people.

See you at the kwoon!

LAZY

Right now I'm the laziest I've ever been.  I've been sleeping a lot and it takes me every ounce of willpower I have to do anything.  Maybe it's because I sat too much between work and school and got to used to it.  Maybe it's this never ending winter.  I've been drinking more water than I ever had and watching my diet so I know my lack of exercise is contributing to making me tired and my tiredness contributing to my lack of exercise.  I need to keep forcing myself to get off the darn couch and get back into a healthy lifestyle!  Right after this nap...

Bad Week

For the past week and a half I've been waking up with a sore neck and headache and going to bed between 8 and 9.  It's been a bad week for accomplishing much of anything.  Josh said I've been sleeping all twisted up and weird and either running or fighting in my sleep.  So I guess I'm being more productive than I thought because I'm either getting in my kms or sparring rounds while sleeping so yay for me for multitasking.  I definitely feel empathy for those who get chronic headaches.
Anyway, I'm currently looking for a homeless shelter needing volunteers on Tuesday mornings so I can help out somewhere and meet more people before starting my book.  Preferably one that I can park relatively close to and hopefully for free (downtown parking rates are ridiculous).  Any suggestions from anyone who has done this?

The Edmonton Project

I had an idea for a book I wanted to write a few years ago after interacting with a homeless man named Dwayne.  This man's story really stuck with me in the brief time I had talking with him.  There's still a misconception by many that homeless people are all drug addicts or lazy.   I can tell you for sure, this is not the case, and even if someone is on the streets due to drugs, why did it come to that?  All it takes one change in circumstance and any of us could be there.  My book would entail the lives of Edmonton homeless and their stories.  I would ask them about themselves, where we are failing to help and what they feel they would need to get back on their feet.  I would also interview some staff at homeless shelters and get their views on what they are seeing.  I have to look into how to protect myself legally, standardize a set of questions and make sure I am approaching people in a way that does not make anyone uncomfortable or compromise my safety.  Josh has agreed to help.  I am going to start planning the details.  My purpose is to raise awareness of the problem and hopefully gain some insight on where I can help to create a change.

Sword Form

I chose to do Sifu Beckett's sword form last minute before the I Ho Chaun year started.  I'm pretty uncoordinated to begin with and not all that familiar with using a sword.  I know not to touch the pointy end though so two thumbs up for me.  Needless to say it took me awhile to get the first couple moves.  After learning a few moves and from trying to remember my hand forms and doing a few kicks in the beginners class, my legs were really sore for 3 days.  I couldn't believe how sore I actually was after doing what I thought was so little.  Josh reminded me that I've spent the past couple years sitting at a desk job and then sitting in a classroom or doing homework so I've got some pretty weak legs right now.  It may take me awhile to learn and it may be painful at first but I think this will be good for me.  I'm sure I'll get myself back into some sort of shape soon.  I look forward to learning more.

Year of the Dog

I've been on the team now in some sort of capacity for about 5 years.  The past few years have been an emotional whirlwind.  Health issues, job loss, moving, starting school.  It's been extremely stressful and extremely rewarding all at the same time.  The job losses impacted us tremendously as I had to learn how to live off of not even half of what I was previously making.  We learned a lot about needs vs wants and I've learned the importance of experiences vs stuff.  As stressful as things were and still are, I've learned a lot about myself and about who I am as a person. 

I started back in kung fu yesterday after only being at a couple regular classes over the past few years.  I tend to set my expectations to high and get even more awkward and anxious when I can't meet where I feel I should be.  So I am going to be attending the beginners class for awhile and work on remembering the basics and forms before I go back to my regular class so I don't get overly anxious and give myself a chance to catch up a bit.  I look forward to being back at the kwoon on a more regular basis and Josh will be joining me too.  I'm pretty excited about that since the last time he was in classes, he was a blue belt and I was a white belt.  It will be nice for us to be able to practice together now that I know a bit more than I did.   As much as I am nervous and self conscious about starting over, I am equally as excited for a new start.  I look forward to the year of the dog.

See you at the kwoon!

Persistence App

I used this app before and it is great.  You can select headers and then put different goals under each header so it is easy to organize.  You are able to select your start date and enter your goal and it will show the percentage of where you are at to meet this goal.  This is super helpful and convenient as it's on your phone and entering your numbers is easy on the go.  The only thing I was having to write was my acts of kindness and that was it.  It's called Persistence and it is available in the Apple App Store.  I don't know if you can get it on Android, but if not, I'm sure they'll have something similar if you search habit trackers.

Water

I've never consumed enough water. Ever. Even if I carried a water bottle around with me. This is not a good thing since about 60-70% of our body is made up of the stuff. One of my goals is to start drinking to correct amount. You are supposed to take your body weight in pounds, divide it by 2, and that's the minimum amount of ounces you should drink. Then you increase that based on your activity levels up to an ounce per pound. For me, I am 116 lbs. So I should be drinking a minimum of 58-116 ounces. The past 3 days I've managed to drink just under 2 litres a day with a water bottle I bought that keeps me on track. It's a 32 ounce bottle and it shows me by time of day where I should be in the number of ounces I drink. Super helpful and I'm actually submitting to what the bottle tells me. I'm hoping to be able to keep it up. I also learned it's possible to die from drink too much water. You can actually drown your organs. Who knew?
So far I'm noticing that my skin isn't as dry (obviously), I have a little bit more energy and I pee an awful lot (TMI). We'll see how this goes.

Years In Review

I've been trying to call into the meetings, but it's really hard to hear. By reading the blogs and the sheer volume of them yesterday, I can see I missed a pact to blog. I'm going to try to adjust my work schedule so I'm able to be a part of at least some of the meetings.

The past 2 years have been amazing for me in regards to personal growth. We moved to an area of the south side that we love. We're right behind a ravine and really close to a lot of trails and I love the way it smells here. I find it so calm and relaxing. Josh and I got engaged. It'll be awhile before we can actually have a wedding, but we're slowly planning things out so we know what we want. I finished my course and graduate in June. I'm pretty proud of that actually, because I never had the courage to attend a university. I now am determined to keep growing academically. I also had the opportunity to take the most amazing trip. Josh and I spent Christmas and New Years in Maui and I cannot begin to describe how absolutely awesome this trip was and how relaxed I felt. I didn't even know it was possible for me to be so relaxed. I went whale watching, surfing (with a dog on my board), snorkeling, to a luau, through road to Hana, and so many other things I never thought possible. The trip was a gift, one I genuinely wanted to refuse, but I swallowed my pride an accepted and am so beyond grateful. The generosity of people helping Josh and I while we went through layoffs and trying to get through school has been astounding and I am forever grateful and will pay it forward as soon as we can.

Where I'm struggling now is physically. I spent way to much time not feeling well, then when I felt better I was then working an office job and doing a lot of sitting for school. I was doing a running program 2-3 days a week, but stopped when it started to get colder outside and have done nothing ever since. I've been so lazy physically. It's pretty embarrassing. I tried running forms through my head so that I could at least remember something when I showed up to a class, but the forms are sketchy at best. I'm very much an all or nothing person, so I struggle with balance. I'm either all in or all out. This is going to be my focus for the year of the dog. Balance. I can't do everything but I can at least do something. My goal is to be healthy in body and mind and if I just get over the initial hurdle of embarrassment, anxiousness and awkwardness, I think it can be achieved.

See you at the kwoon.

Epic Fail

I can see why people don't come back to kung fu after being gone awhile. It's hard. Every single time I say I'm coming back, I mean it at the time, but then the inner monologue kicks in, telling me how much of a disappointment I am and it's easier to just not do it. I managed to show up a few times, but nothing consistent. I have accomplished a lot the past year and have experienced more things than I thought possible, but being a good student and team mate is not one of those things. All I can say is I'm sorry, even though I've said it before, I mean it. I want to come back. Since starting kung fu I've become a better version of myself. Someone that I actually like a little. I'm more patient and compassionate. I'm better equipped to deal with conflict. I'm more open to taking baby steps out of my comfort zone. So, I know that if I let that inner monologue win, I'll see the day I regret walking away from Silent River. I decided to take some small step at the very least by writing this blog. At least it's something, and if I keep taking small steps forward I hope I will end up redeeming myself to you guys and proving I can be reliable.

No Belts. No Bowing. No BS.

So the title of my blog was a slogan for a "martial arts" school that popped up on my Facebook feed. "No Belts. No Bowing. No BS." In a society where everyone seems to get offended easily, not much offends me, but this did. How is bowing that takes me literally 2 seconds to do BS? Bowing and showing respect to those who have worked hard to achieve the rank of black belt. Bowing to show respect to the current and past masters. Bowing to show respect to people that give hours selflessly to make me a better person and teach me. Bowing to show respect to the school and training area. Bowing to show respect to the other students. IT TAKES 2 SECONDS! It probably shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did. I wanted to respond to this post, but I know my response would've been more out of emotion than my knowledge of the history of kung fu, so I left it alone.

Hi!!!

I've made so many improvements to my physical and mental well being I can finally say I am pretty darn content. Happy even for the most part. I sank deep into a negative head space for quite awhile before I was able to get where I am now. Finally accepting things I was unhappy with and doing something about them has driven me to help others. Suicide and severe depression are very real things. I have been directly affected by both and feel the need to help others suffering. Generally speaking, you won't know someone is to that point. There are several signs that someone is not doing well that can help you know when to reach out. Withdrawing from activities that someone used to love. Being suddenly unreliable. Poor hygiene. Sleeping a lot. Constantly being negative. It isn't the same for everyone, but if you notice a loved one behaving differently, reach out and even ask the person for coffee in hopes they open up to you. It's a very lonely feeling and quite embarrassing for most people to talk about. I can speak personally about the withdrawing and becoming unreliable as that is what I tended to do when I needed help the most.

I recently have started journalling and logging my numbers again. I have one week left with the learn to run running group before I start with the 5km group. I was asked to be a group leader for the new learn to run group starting in a couple weeks. Way out of my comfort zone, but I have accepted as it is a very small group and it'll be good to keep me accountable. I stand by the fact that I still hate running, it hurts and I can't breath, but man does it feel good when I'm done. Plus, 8 weeks ago, I couldn't even run 1 minute and this past run I did 2 10 minute intervals, so I definitely see progress even though I still feel like I'm dying. I may be being slightly dramatic.

I still have yet to make my kung fu classes due to some important personal issues I'm dealing with, but it is my next priority and as much as I'm anxious about it, I look forward to having regular attendance again.

See you at the kwoon!

So Random

We had tickets for the Calgary Zoo which expire soon so we figured we'd go on Saturday since it was going to be so beautiful. I try to look for opportunities to be nice to strangers even though I'm still uncomfortable doing so. When in the penguin exhibit I saw a couple trying to take a photo of themselves with their super adorable toddler. I went over and asked if they'd like me to take the picture for them. They guy looked at me and asked if I went to Silent River Kung Fu. I looked at him oddly and said yes. He said he went there too but had to leave a couple years ago as an orange belt for knee surgery and told me how he's been thinking about coming back. We chatted briefly and I told him I just started back again and encouraged him to do the same. I'm hoping he does.
How random is it that I try to do an act of kindness because of Silent River Kung Fu for someone who went to Silent River Kung Fu in Calgary in a penguin exhibit.

Howdy!

Finally feeling so much better. I'm not sure what happened but after starting to recover from my chest infection I kept feeling like I was choking on my own spit. Gross. Not sure how I got all this, it's not like I was licking the seats on public transit or anything. Anywho, I'm glad it's over. Now I just seem to have a never ending runny nose. I'm like the sick kid in class no one wants to sit beside.

I'm in a conflict and confrontation school seminar this coming week on Thursday and Friday, so I'm not sure if I'll make it to class. Good news is though, I get the summer off of school and just have one more course and seminar to go and I AM DONE. For now anyway, until I find a job with a company that will support my goal to write the government exam. Woo hoo!

I decided to join a running club. I'm not sure why. I hate running and clubs so what possessed me to join is beyond me. Seemed like a good idea at the time while I was bored and medicated, and Josh had a gift card from the running room he hadn't used so I went for it. Looks like I'll be running 3 times a week. I'm going to try to incorporate yoga back into my life too so I'm not getting too stiff. I feel like if I run 3 days a week, do an hour of yoga 2-3 days a week and kung fu classes Wednesdays and Thursdays, I'll get back into shape.

I'm pretty happy the way things in my life are shaping up. I may feel different about things after my first run though. I'll keep you posted.