Hello Out There

It's so hard to post when you are in a negative headspace like I've been. I am starting to feel better though, which is great. The pain I was experiencing is less frequent and I don't feel like I'm constantly walking around in a fog. I'm feeling a lot more like myself, which I'm so grateful for because I thought I was losing my mind.

Now, Kung fu...hmmmm...well, quitting has definitely been on the forefront of my mind but I'm trying to sort out the reasons for that and see if I can fix them. I watch people like Sifu Playter at class and see what he's accomplished and know how hard he's worked to get there and it makes me wonder if I could ever have that much discipline to be that good. I think about my life before Kung fu and the I Ho Chaun and how easy it was. Didn't matter to me if I did pushups and sit-ups or who I spent my time with or what I spent my time doing. Didn't matter if I read a book or watched TV. Didn't matter if I opened a door for someone or if I flipped someone off in traffic or if I ate an apple or a Snickers bar. Now all those things matter to me and it's so much harder to make the right choices. That being said, I do feel better about myself and surround myself with people who expect more out of me. I feel good when I've made the right decisions. I'm more awake after doing pushups and sit-ups in the morning. I feel better about living my life instead of wasting away on my couch watching re runs with a bag of Doritos. For some reason I feel it should be easier to do the right thing since it is positive, so why do I struggle so much with it?

Now classes. My brain seems to turn off when learning techniques, forms or combinations. I have a 2 things at once limit. Typically I can learn things fairly quickly, but when it comes to anything requiring coordination, my brain decides it doesn't want to work anymore. If I'm learning something new, like a form I have to learn one or two parts and repeat them over and over before I can add to it. If I learn more than that, I'm lost and won't remember anything I was taught. I've left class several times feeling frustrated and forgetting everything I learned as soon as I've walked out the door. I know that people are able to retain much more than I can, so I'm going to try to be patient and learn at my own pace and try not to feel so stupid about it. I know that when I'm not enjoying a class it's because I'm frustrated with myself and comparing myself to others, which is a habit I need to break and start just having fun again.

When I was told at white belt that kung fu meant hard work, I didn't expect the mental side of it. Life's full of surprises.

I hope this blog made sense. See you on the mats!

The Domino Effect

First it starts with not feeling well and missing classes, then you feel ok but think, what's the point in going, I've missed so much anyway. Then you stop practicing kung fu. Then you stop doing pushups and situps, then finally all heck breaks loose and you're eating like crap and don't really feel like being nice to anyone. Then...your goal...quit completely. I mean, what's the point right, might as well start over somewhere else where they don't know me...a fresh start when I feel better? Wouldn't that be so much easier? Yes, but I'm not sure I've been known to do things the easy way. Here I go again, back to square one.

My Apologies

I'm aware I haven't been the best team mate or student. I keep saying I'm going to come to classes and then don't make it. I don't like it when people are unreliable but here I am being the same thing I don't like. I apologize for this.

I don't want to go into detail why. I just want you guys to know, it's not like I am just skipping classes. I do admit there has been a couple times when I just didn't feel like going to my core classes or I had a dinner to go to, but the majority of it is from legitimate medical reasons. I'm on an experimental restricted diet, and I'm struggling to follow it so far. It's hard to predict how I'll feel hour by hour. I'm just trying this on advice from my new doctor while I wait to see another specialist.

Now saying that, there definitely are times I could be practicing at home, but have been choosing not too. There's not really a reason for me not to practice at some point during the day. I just have to get better at that so I can maintain what I do know and keep up on my forms because I've been forgetting them. I need to work on the self motivation. I don't want to end up lazy again.

Happy Anniversary!

Happy 5 year non-smoking anniversary to me! The best thing I've ever done for myself. :)

Still Here

Well, I've come to terms that I'll probably be an orange belt for a long time. I haven't even done knife defence in almost a year and I forget a lot of it and I keep doing some sort of Long/Lao Gar hybrid and I still can't get the backwards shoulder roll in Sei Chen (no idea how to spell it)... So good thing I like orange.

I still haven't totally given up though. I'm doing things to help my Kung fu in my own way. I started Hatha Yoga to help with my strength and flexibility. I was pretty nervous to try it because it's something I didn't picture myself doing but I ended up really liking it. I'm going to try to keep doing 1-2 classes every week as well as making more of an effort to attend the advanced class so I'm at least doing as much of the stuff as I can. It's getting easier for me to not show up the longer I am away.

I was way better at doing my daily requirements when I was posting everyday, now that it's not easy for me to do wherever I am, it's easier for me to slack off because I don't feel the accountability. Posting my numbers was really working for me. I have to find another way. Plus, I liked posting for the people who couldn't make class so that they knew what we covered and weren't left out. Stupid Google+! I don't like change! :)

Hello!

I haven't blogged since boot camp. It's definitely hard to blog when you're feeling negative about things. I realize it's not Kung fu that's causing the negativity but other things bleeding into Kung fu. It'll probably get a lot better when I figure out what is physically wrong with me. I'm having a hard time coming to class because I don't want to feel like a black cloud over everyone, that's the last thing I want.

I've been talking about trying yoga for awhile, I've been putting it off because I'm not really a yoga type of person but I see the benefit in it. I visited a studio 10 minutes from my house and will be starting this week. They do meditation classes too which I may try. Everyone I talk too says they feel so relaxed after a yoga session. I'm also going to start using my benefits to get massages to loosen up my muscles. I'm hoping this helps me gain more flexibility in my kicks and also helps me relax. My plan is to do my 2 classes of Kung fu, my I Ho Chaun class, 2 classes of yoga and a cardio class of some sort at the gym per week. Sifu Playter suggested learning to juggle to help calm frustration while maintaining physical control. I can for sure see that helping a lot.

Anyway, this is where I'm at. Thanks Mrs. Csillag for reminding me to blog. I do better when I have people holding me accountable.

OUCH!

I went to bootcamp again this year. Many people wonder why I would do such a thing to myself, well, the day after I'm not too sure either. All I can say is OUCH!!!! I seriously don't remember my body hurting this much last year...or I forgot. I like to see where I've improved and what I need to work on and how far I can push my body past the pain and wanting to give up. It's always a really good day. All my numbers decreased from last year, except for my pushups and thrust kicks. This is no surprise. Last year I was going to classes consistently and doing Shaolin Fitness. This year, not the case, so it's expected that I'd be slower. I'm pretty proud of my pushups though. A few months ago, I could barely do 3 and I did 22 for the fitness test and didn't drop to my knees or arch my back. Also, I broke a board with a thrust kick! :) Yay me! I took a few tries but I finally did it. I can totally tell the difference with bad technique and aim and opposed to good. when I was throwing the kick incorrectly, I couldn't break it, as soon as I changed my technique, it broke through like nothing and I didn't even feel it. That was pretty awesome. I'm going to have to practice more now so I can start breaking with my hands.

There was a younger white belt at bootcamp this year, I got her first name, but I'm not sure what her last name is. She was so inspiring. My guess is that she's about 12 or 13 years old, I'm bad at guessing age. I partnered with her quite a few times. She kept up and never complained about anything. Even in her face I could see her struggling, I would ask if she was ok and she would say yes and keep pushing through. She even creamed me in the fitness test even though I could tell she physically was done. She is going to be a phenominal martial artist if she keeps up her determination. I was so proud of her, and I don't even know her.

Have a good week everyone!!! Ummmm...Can somebody help get me off my couch? I'm not even kidding, I'm stuck! :(