Still Here!

I'm a bit frustrated. I was doing so much better and able to start regularly attending my classes. Then, I got hit with a cold/flu that kicked the crap out of me for over 2 weeks. I'm still pretty congested and have to catch up at work with all the stuff that piled up when I was gone. It's pretty discouraging spending such little time at the kwoon this past year with everything that's been going on. It makes it so hard to stay engaged and makes it even harder to want to show up at all. I feel like a disappointment to those who I made deals with this year and haven't been able to keep up my end of the bargain. It sucks, but I suppose overcoming obstacles is part of the never ending journey. Not that I've given up but I'm hoping I've got my bad I Ho Chaun year out of the way and I'm on to better ones. I'm going to have to work hard to gain back my credibility once I feel better again. Sorry guys!

One month - No meat. I'm learning a lot about food. It's still really difficult but I'm hanging in there. I've also been finding really good products that are animal friendly. :)

Where's The Beef?

Let me start of by saying, I love the Keg and Brazilian Steakhouse. I love chicken wing night at Hudsons. I love the ultimate feast at Red Lobster and have no problem eating the entire thing. I hate broccoli and a majority of everything that grows from the ground. So why am I saying this? Because for the past 2 weeks I have been eating a vegetarian diet. For personal reasons I have given up meat, and man, is it ever hard. I feel hungry all the time and I seem to be eating too many carbs and junk food to fill me up. I'm sure that will change as I learn more things to make that I actually enjoy. I'm learning what to add to my food to supplement protein and ordering vegetarian cookbooks which I never thought I would see in my house. So wish me luck...I miss bacon the most.

I have been able to bring myself into the moment and calm my brain occasionally. That NEVER happened before. I hope I can do it more often as I notice the things around me more in that mindset and it is so wonderfully peaceful. I asked someone yesterday if they noticed how beautiful the frosty trees were with the sunrise in the morning. They said no, and I smiled because a year ago I don't think I would have either.

I also managed to calm my brain last class. I feel so awkward and anxious when someone is watching me or I feel like I'm being watched even when I'm not. Most of the time that feeling causes my brain to stop absorbing information because the nerves take over. After about 15 minutes in to last class I calmed myself down and was able to just enjoy my class. I hope I can keep doing that because it's not easy for me.

Anyway, that's what's up with me this week. I'm hoping we all have a strong finish to the horse team and that I can keep increasing my push-ups into the year of the sheep.

Aware

Lately I've been keenly aware of how my actions affect others. Everything I choose to do will have an impact on someone or something around me. Everything I buy to everything I eat will have a negative or positive impact on a person, an animal or the planet. Now I just have to decide whether I want to do the right things or the easy things.

Kindnesses and Stuff

As I brought up in the I Ho Chaun meeting, I've been having some problems with kindnesses which I'm pretty sure made me sound like a terrible person. I was talking about it with Josh and he said I have a problem with articulating things properly when I'm feeling strongly about something. For the record, I have no issues with things like opening doors for someone, saying thank you, and general manners and being considerate. I have no issues with empathizing with people who may be having a bad day and may be acting different than they normally would because of that. I never thought of myself as someone who expects anything in return from doing a kindness for someone, but maybe I am, because I do get a little sad when someone doesn't even acknowledge my existence after I've opened a door for them, but I don't let that affect my day.

What I'm having a problem with is learning how to deal with mean and difficult people in a kinder way. My job is one where I deal with people complaining and fighting with each other all the time. One of the project managers nicknamed me "Mother Theresa" because it always seems I'm diffusing situations. I've also been getting shoved around and getting taken advantage a lot lately and I've been biting my tongue and feeling like a doormat. I'm not sure how to deal with these situations without being mean myself. I suppose this is an anger management problem and not a kindness problem but I still need to learn how to say things to stick up for myself in the "right" way.

This has been a rough I Ho Chaun year for me but I'm happy about a couple things. I've finally figured out a way to log which works for me. Seeing Mr. Smid's posts reminds me when I forgot and I've logged a lot more than I did last year. I've also been able to remember to do something almost everyday. Last year weeks would go by and I would put off doing pushups. This year I don't miss more than a couple days, a few at most. I reset every Monday no matter how bad the week has gone. I know that I'm not hitting my numbers but I've gotten stronger since the beginning of the year. So I'm good with that.

I missed all my classes this week. Josh was really sick and I started getting it at the beginning of the week. It didn't progress to anything too bad for me but it was enough that I felt really crappy by the time I got home from work. Hopefully next week goes better.

Hello Out There

It's so hard to post when you are in a negative headspace like I've been. I am starting to feel better though, which is great. The pain I was experiencing is less frequent and I don't feel like I'm constantly walking around in a fog. I'm feeling a lot more like myself, which I'm so grateful for because I thought I was losing my mind.

Now, Kung fu...hmmmm...well, quitting has definitely been on the forefront of my mind but I'm trying to sort out the reasons for that and see if I can fix them. I watch people like Sifu Playter at class and see what he's accomplished and know how hard he's worked to get there and it makes me wonder if I could ever have that much discipline to be that good. I think about my life before Kung fu and the I Ho Chaun and how easy it was. Didn't matter to me if I did pushups and sit-ups or who I spent my time with or what I spent my time doing. Didn't matter if I read a book or watched TV. Didn't matter if I opened a door for someone or if I flipped someone off in traffic or if I ate an apple or a Snickers bar. Now all those things matter to me and it's so much harder to make the right choices. That being said, I do feel better about myself and surround myself with people who expect more out of me. I feel good when I've made the right decisions. I'm more awake after doing pushups and sit-ups in the morning. I feel better about living my life instead of wasting away on my couch watching re runs with a bag of Doritos. For some reason I feel it should be easier to do the right thing since it is positive, so why do I struggle so much with it?

Now classes. My brain seems to turn off when learning techniques, forms or combinations. I have a 2 things at once limit. Typically I can learn things fairly quickly, but when it comes to anything requiring coordination, my brain decides it doesn't want to work anymore. If I'm learning something new, like a form I have to learn one or two parts and repeat them over and over before I can add to it. If I learn more than that, I'm lost and won't remember anything I was taught. I've left class several times feeling frustrated and forgetting everything I learned as soon as I've walked out the door. I know that people are able to retain much more than I can, so I'm going to try to be patient and learn at my own pace and try not to feel so stupid about it. I know that when I'm not enjoying a class it's because I'm frustrated with myself and comparing myself to others, which is a habit I need to break and start just having fun again.

When I was told at white belt that kung fu meant hard work, I didn't expect the mental side of it. Life's full of surprises.

I hope this blog made sense. See you on the mats!

The Domino Effect

First it starts with not feeling well and missing classes, then you feel ok but think, what's the point in going, I've missed so much anyway. Then you stop practicing kung fu. Then you stop doing pushups and situps, then finally all heck breaks loose and you're eating like crap and don't really feel like being nice to anyone. Then...your goal...quit completely. I mean, what's the point right, might as well start over somewhere else where they don't know me...a fresh start when I feel better? Wouldn't that be so much easier? Yes, but I'm not sure I've been known to do things the easy way. Here I go again, back to square one.

My Apologies

I'm aware I haven't been the best team mate or student. I keep saying I'm going to come to classes and then don't make it. I don't like it when people are unreliable but here I am being the same thing I don't like. I apologize for this.

I don't want to go into detail why. I just want you guys to know, it's not like I am just skipping classes. I do admit there has been a couple times when I just didn't feel like going to my core classes or I had a dinner to go to, but the majority of it is from legitimate medical reasons. I'm on an experimental restricted diet, and I'm struggling to follow it so far. It's hard to predict how I'll feel hour by hour. I'm just trying this on advice from my new doctor while I wait to see another specialist.

Now saying that, there definitely are times I could be practicing at home, but have been choosing not too. There's not really a reason for me not to practice at some point during the day. I just have to get better at that so I can maintain what I do know and keep up on my forms because I've been forgetting them. I need to work on the self motivation. I don't want to end up lazy again.