Kindnesses

I had my parents and one of my brothers over for Christmas dinner. It was really nice to see them. My mom lives a little over 2 hours away so I don't see her as much as I'd like to. We had a good conversation about acts of kindness. My family started talking about some of the things they like to do. There were things like acknowledging cashiers by name, thanking people, opening doors and my brother was going to make up a couple plates with our leftovers for a couple homeless people that live by hiw place. I was also able to answer some questions they were asking because of the conversations we've had during our meetings. It was nice to have this talk with them because most of the time people tell me I've become to busy and need to relax more. I think that if that's what the people in my life are seeing then I have to make more of an effort to include them. It makes sense that before you change the world, you first have to change yourself.

Obviously by my lack of posting, I fell off of track with my requirements during the Christmas chaos. It's difficult being so transparent with what I'm doing or not doing because everyone clearly knows where I'm failing. It can get pretty embarrassing publicly failing all the time. I guess that's what keeps me on track.

No change health wise. I have good weeks and bad, still waiting for my March specialist appointment. One thing for sure is that I clearly cannot drink milk. Cheese and yogurt seem ok, but apparently milk is a definite no. Which seems really odd because I didn't seem to have any change or an immediate problem with it months ago when my doctor told me to try and eliminate dairy for awhile. I am a mystery.

See you at the kwoon.

Fixing Weaknesses

I'm trying to make some changes so I'm more consistent with my training. I'm doing better than last year but I notice I start to go downhill with push-ups, sit-ups and posting closer to the end of the week. I need to focus on my weekends better. I've also been changing the way I do things. The route I was taking to work was making me consistently angry so I started taking another direction which takes me a bit longer but I'm avoiding people slamming on their brakes while trying to merge on the highway. I'm also changing the time I grocery shop. I can't stand busy grocery stores and would get frustrated maneuvering around people and getting pushed so I go later at night when it's less busy instead of Saturday or Sunday mornings. Small things, but they make a difference to my mind set. I'm not changing what I'm doing, just when I'm doing it. Seems to make a difference so far.

Blogging

Blogging never used to be hard for me. It's not until this past 6 months or so that I've had problems. It's mainly because I have so many different thoughts going through my head, when I write them down it turns out to be a bunch of randomness that wouldn't make sense to anyone but me. I'm finding that lately with anything I seem to write down. I re read some emails I send and then pray that someone would invent an unsend button.

I know to most of you it looks like I haven't made any sort of progress this year. Physically, not so much. Mentally, a tremendous amount, as long as you're not judging me based on my random blogs and confusing emails. :) I'm not sure how to share it with you but I know that I feel a lot different, and the things I value and that are important to me changed. I feel a lot better about myself and the decisions I am making. It won't be easy, but I hope it continues.

Still Here!

I'm a bit frustrated. I was doing so much better and able to start regularly attending my classes. Then, I got hit with a cold/flu that kicked the crap out of me for over 2 weeks. I'm still pretty congested and have to catch up at work with all the stuff that piled up when I was gone. It's pretty discouraging spending such little time at the kwoon this past year with everything that's been going on. It makes it so hard to stay engaged and makes it even harder to want to show up at all. I feel like a disappointment to those who I made deals with this year and haven't been able to keep up my end of the bargain. It sucks, but I suppose overcoming obstacles is part of the never ending journey. Not that I've given up but I'm hoping I've got my bad I Ho Chaun year out of the way and I'm on to better ones. I'm going to have to work hard to gain back my credibility once I feel better again. Sorry guys!

One month - No meat. I'm learning a lot about food. It's still really difficult but I'm hanging in there. I've also been finding really good products that are animal friendly. :)

Where's The Beef?

Let me start of by saying, I love the Keg and Brazilian Steakhouse. I love chicken wing night at Hudsons. I love the ultimate feast at Red Lobster and have no problem eating the entire thing. I hate broccoli and a majority of everything that grows from the ground. So why am I saying this? Because for the past 2 weeks I have been eating a vegetarian diet. For personal reasons I have given up meat, and man, is it ever hard. I feel hungry all the time and I seem to be eating too many carbs and junk food to fill me up. I'm sure that will change as I learn more things to make that I actually enjoy. I'm learning what to add to my food to supplement protein and ordering vegetarian cookbooks which I never thought I would see in my house. So wish me luck...I miss bacon the most.

I have been able to bring myself into the moment and calm my brain occasionally. That NEVER happened before. I hope I can do it more often as I notice the things around me more in that mindset and it is so wonderfully peaceful. I asked someone yesterday if they noticed how beautiful the frosty trees were with the sunrise in the morning. They said no, and I smiled because a year ago I don't think I would have either.

I also managed to calm my brain last class. I feel so awkward and anxious when someone is watching me or I feel like I'm being watched even when I'm not. Most of the time that feeling causes my brain to stop absorbing information because the nerves take over. After about 15 minutes in to last class I calmed myself down and was able to just enjoy my class. I hope I can keep doing that because it's not easy for me.

Anyway, that's what's up with me this week. I'm hoping we all have a strong finish to the horse team and that I can keep increasing my push-ups into the year of the sheep.

Aware

Lately I've been keenly aware of how my actions affect others. Everything I choose to do will have an impact on someone or something around me. Everything I buy to everything I eat will have a negative or positive impact on a person, an animal or the planet. Now I just have to decide whether I want to do the right things or the easy things.

Kindnesses and Stuff

As I brought up in the I Ho Chaun meeting, I've been having some problems with kindnesses which I'm pretty sure made me sound like a terrible person. I was talking about it with Josh and he said I have a problem with articulating things properly when I'm feeling strongly about something. For the record, I have no issues with things like opening doors for someone, saying thank you, and general manners and being considerate. I have no issues with empathizing with people who may be having a bad day and may be acting different than they normally would because of that. I never thought of myself as someone who expects anything in return from doing a kindness for someone, but maybe I am, because I do get a little sad when someone doesn't even acknowledge my existence after I've opened a door for them, but I don't let that affect my day.

What I'm having a problem with is learning how to deal with mean and difficult people in a kinder way. My job is one where I deal with people complaining and fighting with each other all the time. One of the project managers nicknamed me "Mother Theresa" because it always seems I'm diffusing situations. I've also been getting shoved around and getting taken advantage a lot lately and I've been biting my tongue and feeling like a doormat. I'm not sure how to deal with these situations without being mean myself. I suppose this is an anger management problem and not a kindness problem but I still need to learn how to say things to stick up for myself in the "right" way.

This has been a rough I Ho Chaun year for me but I'm happy about a couple things. I've finally figured out a way to log which works for me. Seeing Mr. Smid's posts reminds me when I forgot and I've logged a lot more than I did last year. I've also been able to remember to do something almost everyday. Last year weeks would go by and I would put off doing pushups. This year I don't miss more than a couple days, a few at most. I reset every Monday no matter how bad the week has gone. I know that I'm not hitting my numbers but I've gotten stronger since the beginning of the year. So I'm good with that.

I missed all my classes this week. Josh was really sick and I started getting it at the beginning of the week. It didn't progress to anything too bad for me but it was enough that I felt really crappy by the time I got home from work. Hopefully next week goes better.