Happy Thursday!

I have a very eclectic music collection but Xavier Rudd is my all time favourite musician so this won't be the last time I share his music with you.  Have a great day!

Brain vs Body

I was really sad to have missed the banquet last night. I've gone for the past 5 years and always find it so motivational. I always love the blackbelt ceremony and feel so happy for the people who worked so hard to finally earn it. Congratulations Sifu Tymchuck and Sifu Becket!!!

The past year has been a real struggle for me. I've missed work, occasions with family and friends and a lot of kung fu. Patiently waiting for doctors appointments have been beyond frustrating and trying to stay positive becomes darn near impossible some days. I miss out on things a lot. My new family doctor is pretty sure I have IBS which has some pretty embarrassing and unpredictable symptoms. I'll know more for sure when I have my specialist appointment. I turn red talking about it, in fact I'm pretty embarrassed just typing this. Things like stress, anxiety and diet can make the symptoms worse, and me being a naturally high anxiety person can make it pretty bad. I've been told I can be put on a mild anti depressant which has been proven to numb the pain in the abdomen but I'm determined not to rely on such a thing. I've basically been super conscious of what I'm eating to eliminate trigger foods and trying to reduce stress. Problem is, this causes stress, so it's kind of like a never ending circle of suck. I've been lying to people to get out of dinners with them because I don't really feel like explaining why there's barely anything on my plate and it bothers me a lot because I'm not a liar. I guess as I figure this out things will get easier, but for right now I spend a lot of nights in tears because I just want to feel better. The only reason I'm writing this blog is so now you know that when I'm not in class, it's definitely not because I've got something better to do and when you ask how I'm feeling and I seem like I'm blowing you off, I'm not, I'm just not wanting to lie to you because I'd really rather not talk about it because it's embarrassing. Now you know, if you didn't before, even if you didn't want to know, you do.

Anyway, enough of that. Still thinking if I actually want to publish this. Lets talk about something else.

I started something called Organic Box. I have a huge dislike for most vegetables and figured this would be a good way for me to try more of them and learn more about what kinds of different vegetables there are and how to cook them. So far I've received one order. The food looks a lot duller and less shiny than it does in a grocery store without all the chemicals but it's way more delicious. Plus, this has been forcing me to try to cook different things because I've spent my food budget so I'd better eat what's in my fridge. I made baked potatoes the other day with a bit of cheese, garlic and broccoli and it was delicious. Yep, I actually ate something with broccoli and enjoyed it. Plus the company focuses on local farmers which I love that my money is going to go back into the community and they support ethical treatment of animals. I find it a bit pricey. It's more farmers market prices than grocery store prices but I'm thinking it will balance out because I'm not walking down Superstore's aisles hungry after work adding a whole bunch of stuff I don't need in my cart. Josh also really seems to be enjoying having farm fresh milk and eggs in the house. He seems to like it too which is a win.

Anyway, I'm hoping the year of the sheep goes a lot better than the year of the horse did. I am a sheep, so it better!

See you at the kwoon.

I'm OK With Failing and Getting Up and Failing Again

I had so many goals this year and I didn't achieve any of them. It was really disheartening for me. I really, really wanted to learn lion dance this year so I could learn to drum, I wanted to be able to do 30 real pushups in a row, I wanted to become more comfortable with sparring and had so, so many other things to achieve. At first all I felt was frustration and guilt. Frustration because I wasn't able to achieve the things I wanted to do, and guilt because I wasn't doing the things I said I would. Usually I'm one of the most reliable people I know, and this year that all changed not only with my kung fu but with everything else too.

I had to try to work on letting the guilt go. It was eating at me. There was nothing I could do about my situation, so I tried to be productive in other ways. I've read a lot about meditation, I learned a lot about foods, I've changed times that I do things to avoid situations that anger me. I've learned to deal with anger a lot better than I used to. Don't get me wrong, things still really tick me off, but I'm learning to control how I react.
I've learned to be more empathetic, I'm learning to shut my mouth and listen, I've learned I need more experiences than things. I've learned to live in the moment, and although I can't do it all the time, I sure love it when I do. I've learned I'm not a quitter and I learned I'm mentally stronger than I thought.

I am also so grateful that I met a few people through kung fu this year that I can have really honest conversations with and for the people who have been compassionately honest with me. I have a lot of respect for you.

So, while this year was a total bust for me for a lot of my I Ho Chaun goals, I got a lot out of it I wasn't expecting. My favourite thing was probably the photo Sifu Lindstrom got of me throwing Sihing Tymchuk during my one and probably my only ever demo appearance. By the way Sifu, you still have to send me that photo!!!

To Run or Not to Run? That is the question...

I've been thinking about giving running a try. I hate it to be honest, but I'm not sure I gave it a fair chance. I'm considering this spring to show up to the kwoon early to my class and do 12 laps around the building twice a week. I'm really apprehensive about it, because my cardio is horrible, it's going to be embarrassing. I have to sort out a couple things first but my goal to start this is the end of March. If any runners want to give me advice, all would be appreciated.

I'm also going to start going back to my regular classes when I can attend. It's really difficult that they're late, but I feel like it's for the best. It's going to suck getting up in the morning because I start work at 6:30am and I can't seem to settle myself down quick enough after a class to get a decent amount of sleep but if I push through and work hard to get my blue belt, all will be good. I got some tea that's supposed to help you sleep so hopefully that works.

I think the biggest thing I've learned from the I Ho Chaun is to be honest with myself and balance. I can't do everything, but I can't do nothing either. I have to try my best and push a little past that every day. I have to stop being so hard on myself and focus on what I am doing, and slowly add what I am missing. I've got to get back to posting online. I think it was a bad idea for me to post on kwoontalk right now so I'm going to start doing it again on the I Ho Chaun group. I find if I don't post, I don't log and then I slowly stop doing things all together.

Man, my blogs sure are random. It would be so much easier to just write "ditto" on someone else's blog than to try to streamline my thought patterns.

Well, toodles for now...Did I seriously just say toodles?

Moving Forward

5 year ago Lindsay would have definitely made fun of today Lindsay. I can't believe how much has changed for me over the past few years. What I like to do is different, my eating habits are different, the people I surround myself with are different, seems like everything is different. With so much change comes alot of insecurity and uncertainty. I've been so unsure of myself the past while but I'm sure as I adjust that will change. I felt so incredibly awkward trying a vegetarian restaurant for the first time. It turned out to be delicious though and we've been back to Cafe Mosaic on Whyte ave a couple times now. I've also found a farm that seems to ethically treat their animals. I looked into all their certifications and talked to the farmer and was invited to come visit the farm. I'll be going this spring and will let you know what I see and find. If what they say is true, I'd be ok with buying meat and eggs from there. For now though, I suppose I'll stick with lettuce. :)

I've been trying to use more natural products too and found some really good shampoo and conditioner. I've been using it for the past few months. Here's the problem. I've been sneezing quite a bit, feeling run down and my nose has been running. I thought I was allergic to vegetarianism. Turns out Argan Oil and Shea Butter is used quite a bit in "natural products". These are nuts! Who knew? Nuts I am allergic too, not vegetables... I guess I'm out of excuses to not eat broccoli.

I still haven't been able to regularly attend classes which sucks, but I'm working on it. I got my greenbelt though, which was a surprise. I thought that I was still pretty far away from getting it. I never feel ready for anything though, so it's a good thing I don't grade myself. I'd still be a white belt if that was the case. I'm a work in progress.

See you at the kwoon!

Hmmm...

I was reading some team member blogs and it was strange because it was like they were in my head. The first one was Mr. Smid's. I too am wondering if I should be on next years team. I'm struggling with making it to classes and with motivating myself at home. I also heard we were doing dragon dance this year, which made the butterflies in my stomach want to jump through my throat. I'm no good at dragon dance!!! I recognize how much I have changed over the past couple years but still have huge doubts about taking on a 3rd year. I know how disappointing it can be to have team members not be reliable for things when as a team you're working so hard to reach a goal. I felt the impact of that when trying to have enough people for a double dragon dance when I was on the dragon team a couple years ago, and never having enough people show up. It was really disappointing and I never got better because we were always starting from scratch, so I hate being an unreliable team member myself. Which I am. Plus the hatred and unrelenting fear of public demos. I know I've been told I don't have to do one, but there's still that feeling of having a giant, blazing "L" on my forehead.

The second blog was Sifu Kichko's. You can read her blog and pretend I wrote it. Plus, I am a loner by nature and don't like being around large groups of people. Nor do I go out of my way to meet people so I find when I actually meet someone I have something in common with I'm so excited to share my thoughts, I don't listen as I should and interrupt alot. I need to stop doing that. There are so many things I could learn if I could just keep my mouth closed.

I do recognize that there are good things happening too by being part of the I Ho Chaun. I remember sharing the first year how I could never stop my brain and live in the moment. Well, it's starting to happen now. With alot of practice, I have been noticing how beautiful the world truly can be around me when I take a moment to breath. I believe if I keep training my brain, my life will become alot more peaceful. It's still a struggle, but such a wonderful thing when I can notice how gorgeous the glittery snow on the trees can be rather than focusing on whether or not I'm going to be late for work. My practice is starting to pay off.

Well, those are my random thoughts on a Friday lunch break. See you at the kwoon.

Combinations

Obviously combinations are something I struggle with since I keep mentioning it. Last class I got some good feedback and was able to figure out that one of my biggest problems is my kicks. I tried practicing a few on my own and I definitely don't maintain control. I figured out that balance was a major part of it. I lose balance so I just want to put my foot down as fast as possible which makes for a pretty sloppy combination. I need to work on that. There's a yoga class that is dedicated to hip strength and flexibility on Sunday mornings so I'm going to try to attend that as much as I can in hopes it helps with this. I guess we'll see what happens. I'll keep working on it. I shall conquer you red stripe!