Stressed, Blessed and a Little Depressed Part 2

We all have these weeks I'm sure. You wake up and water from your toilet spurts all over the floor, clean it up to find out you have no water, the air pressure was what caused the water to go everywhere. Show up to work late and un-showered to find out you no longer work full time. Have 3 panic attacks, catch pink eye from someone and your car breaks down and gets towed to a shop. Here is why I'm stressed.

However, I managed to talk myself out of my panic attacks. I thought of all the things I'm grateful for, breathed, grounded myself and slowly I calmed myself from the point of almost blacking out just by being mindful of all the things I had to be thankful for. Yay me! I also realized how many fantastic people I have in my life that are willing to support me and lend a hand. I recognize as well how this could be an opportunity for me. I get stuck in a rut and don't do anything about it until the universe shoves me and says for me to get my arse out there and make a change. Clearly I'm being shoved. Maybe this will give me a chance to do something different I would've never had the courage to do before. I'm obviously going to be stressed, I'm obviously going to have anxiety and it will get worse probably before it gets better but I'll get through it. Even with things going wrong, I have so much to be thankful for and recognize how many people have it so much worse than I do. Here is why I'm blessed.

I'm thankful I have my second family at the kwoon to go to so I can be around such positive energy. It sure helps lift my spirits to be around everyone. Thanks Sifu Regier for allowing me to drain your phone battery so I could "attend" the meeting. :)

Stressed, Blessed and a Little Depressed

For someone with anxiety issues, stability is a very important thing. When something interrupts routine, the anxiety starts making them do things they don't want to do. Having my hours cut at work and trying to figure things out is definitely making my brain glitch. I start to act obsessively way more out of control than usual. I cannot relax until my place is spotless, I'll check my oven 5 times before I'm convinced I turned it off. It becomes harder to manage than usual, and the stomach issues flare up like crazy. For those that don't have anxiety, imagine that feeling you get on one of those rides that drop 100 feet when you first start to drop...amplify that feeling by 10 or think of the feeling the last time you got really bad news. Now imagine feeling like that constantly over what should be a stupid little thing for a "normal" person. There can be no rhyme or reason that results in a panic attack. Logically, I know it doesn't make sense, still happens anyway, and the more you fight it, the worse it gets. You get stuck with a brain that you're constantly battling everyday, just to calm down and to be able to relax. The reason I'm bringing this up is because, again, someone suggested to me I teach first aid. Teaching, being in front of people, dear god no. My heart is racing and I want to puke thinking about it. However, I'm actually thinking about it this time regardless of the quivering hands and feeling like fainting. I mean, I guess, what's the worse that can happen? I vomit on someone and never see them again. I'll be in a small group, no crowd and even if I never actually teach, it's a step right? Oh dear...

See you at the kwoon.

Crossroads

We all have those times in our lives when we hit a crossroad. What way to we go? Recent cutbacks at work has put me in a position of uncertainty. I'm the type of person who needs security. I don't do very well without it. Right now with my hours slashed and without a full time paycheque I'm in a position of panic, firing on all cylinders, planning my next move. I don't want to get stuck in a position I hate at a company just to get payed, but I do have to pay my bills, I do enjoy eating. It's been suggested to me several times now to start my own consulting company to help small businesses get their safety programs started. The thought of it makes me anxious. I know nothing about starting a business, and where would I get the money to start it to begin with. At the same time, it is something that is becoming higher in demand, and pushing itself as necessary into residential construction. What do I do? I'm stuck and have no idea where to turn at this point. For now I'll start researching I guess as I pound the pavement with many others who have recently undergone the same fate.

Bored at Work

How I think Dr. Suess would see mastery and mediocrity and quickly write about it if he were bored at work like I am right now.


Like a choose your own adventure book,
so many choices wherever you look.

Should I spend more time in bed?
Or, get up and do pushups and situps instead?

Keep on walking by that man on the street?
Or, stop for a minute to get him something to eat?

Lay on the couch to watch some TV?
Or, go outside running where there's way more to see?

Say, "hey, how are you?" and keep waking by?
Or sit down and mean it when you listen to the reply?

Eat processed food because it is fast?
Or pack a fresh lunch so your arteries last?

Meet a friend for coffee and talk face to face?
Or, send a note on Facebook to quickly touch base?

It's all up to you, whatever you choose.
You make the right choice, you've got nothing to lose.

Struggling

I have to admit, I'm struggling getting back into a training routine. Other than random days where I don't feel well and minor normal aches and pains, I have no reason to not train. Most of you are way busier than I am. I feel so, so much better. I have no reason to not be doing my requirements. I love being at the kwoon and I'm excited to learn new green belt things. So what the hecks my problem? I did it before, I posted everyday with my numbers, I did at least something everyday and I did it while I wasn't feeling good, so why now that I'm so much better am I not doing anything? I seriously need to give myself a good kick in the pants.

Reverence For Life

I've always had a reverence for life, all life. I'm not sure where mankind developed the idea that it's ok to destroy other species without thought. I'm not saying everyone, I'm just saying as a collective, I witness this on a daily basis. It bothers me so much that ego has brought humanity to this point. I am constantly bombarded with horrifying images of sport hunting, poaching, factory farming and irresponsible pet ownership. It saddens me to tears sometimes. There's so much of it, can I even make much of a difference at all? How many people research where their meat or everyday products come from? I know I didn't. Do people realize there's a kinder way to eat meat or buy makeup and everyday cleaners? When we purchase products do we see what's behind the items on the store shelf we're purchasing? I definitely don't want to preach all the gruesome and horrifying facts, I'm not that type of person. However, people do need to be educated. I'm always walking a fine line between what divulge and what to keep to myself. The hard core animal activists just piss people off and that's not my intent. I don't judge anyone on their decisions and often wish I had not started researching certain things. But, I have, and for myself, I need to work on being a responsible human being. I know I'm not perfect, and may be even being a hypocrite and not even know it yet.

I doubt I'll ever be able to change the world, but I remember only a few months ago my coworkers stomping on spiders and me asking them a few times not to. Today I heard from my office, "LINDSAY, you better come quick or I'm gonna squish this ugly spider." So I ran over with my cup and took him to a bush outside. It's a small thing. I wonder if the spider even knows what his fate almost was, but to me, he's a life that is not up to me to decide to take without a second thought just because.

Maybe I'm just being over sensitive and sorry for the rant. It's just something that's been bothering me today more than usual. I do recognize that there are large groups of people fighting this very same thing, and there's many that do care. I'm just not sure it's enough. I just simply ask that you think about what you're buying.

A Good Couple Weeks

Attending classes regularly has been a lot of fun. I'm excited to learn my new forms and the rest of the green belt curriculum. Seems like I'm the only one who doesn't know Kempo 2 yet, even most of the orange belts know it. I sure missed out on a lot. I'm going to have to catch up. I think I can do it.

We had the Farmer's Day parade yesterday. It's always different seeing everyone outside the kwoon and getting to know everyone on a different level. I got to learn a bit more of Lao Gar from Sihing Chervenka in the field while we were waiting. I'm struggling with this form, but that's to be expected when you're doing a form that's meant for a higher level with stances you've never done. The left footed thrust kick seems to be messing me up the most. I've never been able to learn forms quickly. I can only grasp 2 or 3 things at most, anymore than that and you've lost me.

I also got to drum a bit. That was a fun and intimidating surprise, there were people around, that could hear me...sorry about your ears. :) I guess if you're a drummer, you have to get used to other people listening to you mess up and be able to continue. I really want to drum, it's my favourite part of lion dance, so obviously I have to learn lion dancing so I'll be able to empathize with what's going on with the lion and drum accordingly. I did some lion dance last year but haven't done any this year so far, I have to start doing that again to get caught up.

All in all it was a good day with good people. All things kung fu are going a lot better and I'm pretty happy about that.