Happy Easter!

I went to check out Monday morning class. I was nervous so I chose to watch instead of participate. I'll start joining in this week. It'll take me a bit to get the dust off but I'm looking forward to not being a bench warmer anymore. I'm sad to be missing the meeting April 9th, but this is my first weekend class for my second course and my first course ends April 12th. So far I've surprised myself. I don't want to toot my own horn but my average is 95% so far, so I'm going to go ahead and toot the crap out of that. I totally didn't think I could do it and I'm proving myself wrong. I know I'll struggle more with some of the other classes because they are a lot harder, but now at least my confidence level is up to keep going and get my diploma. Right now I have a blue belt and a diploma hanging in front of me like a donkey and a carrot, so even if I'm going pretty slow, at least I'm moving forward and haven't given up.

Happy Easter everyone! See you at the kwoon!

Fighting For Change

One of my personal requirements is to learn how to argue against xenophobia and racism to get my point across without allowing my emotions to take over. I become very emotional when it comes to animal and human rights. This does not help me when trying to sway someone else's opinion on the topic. People respond more to facts when it comes to such sensitive topics. Trying to read and figure out what is true and what is not true is very difficult but one thing is for sure, I am so grateful to have been born in Canada. I can't believe how much I take for granted. The simple fact that I was born here gives me way more opportunity than I ever would have in the majority of the rest of the world. I sit here right now truly grateful.

My first month of university has been interesting. One things for sure. I. am. exhausted. I have registered for my next course and have switched to the weekend courses so at the end of March I have an overlap where I will have a final exam, final written assignment and a pre course assignment and readings but once I get through that mess I will be able to attend Thursday nights.

I'm still struggling to find my routine, but I'll get there. It may not be as obvious to the rest of you, but I've come a long way with some of the mental aspects of kung fu and am pretty proud of myself. Now I just have to get my butt back in shape.

Right now. I am happy.

See you at the kwoon.

What's Happening to the World?

While coming back from school one day, Josh and I were getting on the LRT. We watched about 20 people go to sit down, look at something and move. We looked over and saw a man collapsed on the floor of the train by a seat. We took a look at him, saw he was breathing, tried to talk to him and got no response. We waited to get out of the tunnel so we could call for help. As we were sitting on the seat across from him, we watched about 15-20 more people see him and keep walking. Finally while we were on the phone with transit services another young man stopped to see if this guy was ok. Between him and Josh they got this man's attention and were able to get him sitting up. Transit alerted passengers of a short delay. While 2 people boarded to help this man, I heard several complaints around us about the wait. They were right by us and could see what was going on, so I couldn't understand all the complaining. After everything was said and done, I was so sad. I watched at least 40 people walk around this person without even taking 2 seconds to see if he was alright. It did end up he was extremely intoxicated, but still a person that needed a hand. A PERSON! I also recently read about police services getting phone calls recently from people complaining their tv show was interrupted by an Amber Alert. Are you kidding me?! What is going on with people that we can't even stop for a minute or two to help someone?

Poorly Balanced

Ok, so things haven't gone so great yet. Had my first week at university and oh my goodness, my brain will not retain anything. It's been a very long time since I've been in school and had to do so much reading and book learning. I'm very A.D.D when it comes to reading dry material from a book and trying to concentrate has not been easy. Legislation. Is. Boring. and unless you are a lawyer, can be quite difficult to understand sometimes.

I have extremely little logged so far. I haven't been balancing everything properly. I need to do better in making kung fu a priority. I'm super stressed out about passing my course because it's not cheap, and financing for the rest of my courses rests on me passing. Being audited at work by 2 separate auditors and doing a full time job in 3 days a week doesn't help, but I shouldn't put my training on the back burner either. I need to balance my life better. I finally have my insurance cheque from my car accident and have an inexpensive, old Buick going in for an inspection tomorrow so hopeful that will work out and I will not have any reason to not be in Monday morning class as I will be able to get there. Being in the kwoon regularly at least once a week should help with engagement. I think I may have bit off more than I can chew. Yikes!

Hello Again

First I'd like to say congrats to all the newly promoted black belts! It was awesome sharing the past year with you even though I was not able to be around as much as I liked. I always find the banquet so motivational and am always so happy to see everyone progress.

This will be my fourth year on the I Ho Chaun team. I'm not sure I'll ever not be on the team. My journey has come with some very unexpected results. Following the program I was faced with many of my weaknesses and with that came self realization. I had no idea how many things in my life both physical and mental were related very directly with anxiety disorders. How many opportunities I've missed, how sick I would get, my anger issues, among others. I had tried last year to help myself naturally without the greatest of results, so after many doctor's visits I am now on anti-anxiety medication to help the neurotransmitters in my brain to function correctly. I'm not one who easily takes medication but in my case it's necessary. The fight or flight response in my brain reacted to small situations as if I were under attack by an army of polar bears. I've been on the medication about a month and a half and feel much better. I had really bad insomnia at first but that seems to be levelling off. I'm definitely not yet ready to perform or do a demo in front of anybody yet but the possibility of doing it feels a bit more attainable. I don't expect to find the magical cure overnight.

This year I will be challenged to reach an achievable balance between university courses, work and being on the team. I'm going to try to do my best to be more open with what I'm doing as I will be away for some time but yet want to still stay engaged with my training. I'm going to try to stay consistent. I will be away Thursday nights until April due to some courses but after that I should be able to arrange my schedule to different days of the week. Getting back into some regular classes will help too. It's been over a year since I've been able to do that, I'm going to be really rusty come Monday morning. Eep!

Thanks to everyone who has come to talk to me over the past year as I've spend my time as a bench warmer. It's been appreciated more than you know.

See you at the kwoon!

Half A Step In

As the time for me to meet the program coordinator for the U of A came closer, panic set in. I've been out of school so long, am I going to be able to do this. I mean, my grammar is terrible and I don't remember math and basic chemistry. I paced back and forth, my heart racing wondering if I should even bother going. After 4 hours of pacing I figured, what did it hurt, I wasn't registering for anything yet just by going to this appointment. So, after getting off the lrt a stop early with the intention of turning around to go home and getting lost into what I felt was a giant cornfield maze, I stumbled forward and made it to my appointment. I got the course times, got the prices, got the register info and got a copy of the syllabus for the first course I'd be taking. Low and behold, what do I see? A graded class P.R.E.S.E.N.T.A.T.I.O.N...I could feel my heart jump through my throat. Oh. Heck. No! Better yet, it was scheduled for my birthday. Well, sadly, I chickened out and didn't register for the course. Dissappointed in myself I found the next class I can take which starts February 23rd. I'm going to force myself to go back and just do it. No chickening out this time. Regardless how terrifying this is for me.

This will work with my kung fu schedule as well. My initial class would be Tuesday and Thursday evenings, but only until March. 31st, after that, my courses would mostly be on Saturdays and Sundays or online at my own pace. Which means I'd be available for Monday morning classes and Thursday evening I Ho Chaun classes.

I hope I can do all this.

Here We Go...

The last year and a half haven't been much fun. I was getting tested for cancer, in and out of hospitals with crazy stomach pains, diagnosed with anxiety and depression, laid off twice once right before Christmas and 10 days ago got t-boned, ended up with whiplash and still don't have a vehicle. So what to do? Curl up under a rock and hide? I'm not going to lie, I wanted to and did in fact spend months and months not venturing out into the world unless I absolutely had to. I realize I can't live life like this and am working really hard inside my head to change things.

So here's what I've done so far;

I joined the monkey team. Even though I haven't really been to kung fu, I still need the team to ground me. Even showing up when I can to watch class or take part of the meetings helps. I like you people and you can't get rid of me.

I am also going to university...EEP!!!! I am so scared about this...like I want to vomit on my shoes scared... I've been out of school since 1997. Since I got layed off and am now only working part time, I have the option of going to the U of A part to full time and the classes work around my work schedule and I already got the funding. I just need the bravery.

Now, how on earth am I going to make this work? Seriously? How?...not rhetorical...any advice would help. Work, school, I Ho Chaun...Am I mental? Well, I guess my previous blogs answer that one but for the first time I'm jumping in with both feet without months of preparation. I'm a planner, not a doer, other people do and I live vicariously through them. Heck, I don't even know if I'll be able to pay the bills...seriously...I may have to move in with one of you. I hope you like cats. And, skateboarding from Edmonton to Stony Plain may be my only option to get to a class. I should probably learn how to skateboard.

Ready or not, here I come.