How Can So Much Awkwardness Fit In Such a Small Body?

I have difficulty juggling more than 3 balls. I try four and I seem to drop one every single time. I kept talking about being able to attend kung fu again and how I wanted to go back, but I never did. The desire was there, but I'd turn into a big ball of anxiousness every time I'd think of getting ready to go. I spent so much time sick and not participating, it just became easy to not participate. Then I started to feel better but school came along and I couldn't juggle work, school a relationship and kung fu. Kung fu had already started disappearing so that seemed to be the thing to neglect. Josh and I were sorting through our stuff and packing our weapons and were both talking about missing it. I thought about what was holding me back and realistically it was just my ego. The fact that I was so far behind and was forgetting the simplest things. I came to realize I needed to just get over it. I had 2 choices. Feel ok being awkward and slow for awhile or regret never going back. I decided for the awkwardness and showed up to last nights I Ho Chaun class. And man, did I ever feel awkward. I'm unable to get low in my stances, I forgot my forms, and what little I did, my legs hurt. I guess I'm just going to have to try to eat my ego and just keep swimming.

See you at the kwoon!

It Can Happen to Anyone

I attend classes at the UofA Extension. There is many homeless and mentally ill people in the area. So many that a majority of the staff that work in the different stores have become numb to the unusual, and sometimes criminal behaviour of the people that frequent this area. I've had some run ins with many of these people. One man followed me and smelled my hair as I stood in a line up. Another put his arm around me and asked if he could live with me. I don't put myself in situations where I could be in danger or feel really uncomfortable so I'll generally as politely as possible put some distance between myself and that person.

I've had some great conversations with some of these people as well. One guy I had met had sat beside me at the lrt station. He looked at me and asked why I haven't walked away. I asked him why he thought I would and he said because everyone does. He proceeded to open up to me and tell me he had been drinking by himself for 3 days, he lost his job and as a result lost everything. He was trying to find his sister's place to stay and have a good night's sleep. I sat quietly and listened to his story, helped him find his stop. As he got off the train, he hugged me and said thank you.

Another man I met on whyte ave last year. His name was Dwayne. He became so depressed when his wife died that he lost everything in his depression and ended up living in the street.

One of my classmates during my last class went to Tim Hortons and an older teen that looked strung out on something, came running out of the washroom yelling for help. By what I've heard, it's a common tactic used to lure people into the bathroom there and rob them, so the staff and patrons payed no attention. My classmate who is experienced in working with people with addiction recognized the genuine fear in his eyes and went to look. It turned out his girlfriend was miscarrying on the washroom floor.

I would never, ever recommend putting yourself in danger. However, I've noticed how many of these people are ignored. If someone needs help, at the very least make a call to someone that can help them, if you are uncomfortable doing anything yourself. I've come to notice that there can be a lot of pain behind addiction. In talking to the homeless people that I have, many of them have been victim to circumstances out of their control. Some of them are mentally ill and don't know how or even that they can find help, some just lost everything from job loss, and some are escaping abusive situations. Sometimes just listening to someone and showing compassion can do a lot for someone.

There is now mental health first aid courses, I think I'll be making it a priority to take it so I can have a better understanding and be better equipped to recognize different mental health issues and how to help.

I Miss You Guys!!!

Hi everyone!

Wow, a lot has changed just over the past few months. This may be a long winded blog, and I apologize for that but I figure I'd give you an update in the life of Lindsay Gibbons.

First off, Josh and I are engaged. Most people aren't all that surprised by this as we've been together almost 7 years. We inherited a beautiful antique ring and I am grateful to be the one that this ring was given to. Just a heads up, we want a lion dance at our wedding, so get practicing! :)

I have finished 2 university courses and am onto my third. Wow! I don't remember ever having to retain so much boring material in my life. Half my course load is done from home, and the other half evenings and alternating weekends. Let me tell you, it's pretty difficult to force myself to read so much legislation and textbook material. It would be great if these lawyers would at least throw in a joke occasionally.

I think I told you before, I started medication for my anxiety problems. I'm not one to take meds and have a hard time even taking pills for a headache, however, I didn't realize up until a couple years ago that my level of anxiety was not normal and that my brain chemistry was "off". The first round of meds worked great, but gave me insomnia to the point I'd go for days without sleeping. The second try, made me a zombie, I couldn't get up and missed work and school, the third try the pills made me super aggressive and irritable. Apparently it's normal to have to try several different things before getting the right thing into your system since everyone reacts differently and unpredictable. So right now, I'm still a guinea pig, my doctor's pretty much my new BFF. I'm back on the first medication since it worked so well and trying to manage the insomnia. I'm also doing cognitive behavioural therapy. These experiences are really difficult to talk about publicly but I am hoping that maybe someone that has had the same issues I have will get help earlier on than I did.
If you are at home, and feel trapped and physically sick by anxiousness and OCD, contact me, I will help you.

Now kung fu...this is where I am sad. I miss you guys, I think about kung fu a lot. Since the end of February when I told the I Ho Chaun team I'd be able to go to Monday morning classes, since I got my car fixed, I've been able to, but I haven't. I've even had my uniform on and ready to go, but just didn't. I don't know why I'm not able to make this step. I don't even practice at home anymore. There's no excuse not to. I could easily bang out some push ups between reading chapters for school, but again, I don't. After being on the sidelines for so long, I'm having a difficult time getting back in the game. I realize the answer is just do it, so why am I not doing it? My only answer I can think of is purely ego. Embarrassment for being so out of shape and forgetting so much? Maybe. Pure laziness? Maybe that too. I have to just show up, days have turned into months and I don't want them to turn into years or even never.

See you at the kwoon!

Happy Easter!

I went to check out Monday morning class. I was nervous so I chose to watch instead of participate. I'll start joining in this week. It'll take me a bit to get the dust off but I'm looking forward to not being a bench warmer anymore. I'm sad to be missing the meeting April 9th, but this is my first weekend class for my second course and my first course ends April 12th. So far I've surprised myself. I don't want to toot my own horn but my average is 95% so far, so I'm going to go ahead and toot the crap out of that. I totally didn't think I could do it and I'm proving myself wrong. I know I'll struggle more with some of the other classes because they are a lot harder, but now at least my confidence level is up to keep going and get my diploma. Right now I have a blue belt and a diploma hanging in front of me like a donkey and a carrot, so even if I'm going pretty slow, at least I'm moving forward and haven't given up.

Happy Easter everyone! See you at the kwoon!

Fighting For Change

One of my personal requirements is to learn how to argue against xenophobia and racism to get my point across without allowing my emotions to take over. I become very emotional when it comes to animal and human rights. This does not help me when trying to sway someone else's opinion on the topic. People respond more to facts when it comes to such sensitive topics. Trying to read and figure out what is true and what is not true is very difficult but one thing is for sure, I am so grateful to have been born in Canada. I can't believe how much I take for granted. The simple fact that I was born here gives me way more opportunity than I ever would have in the majority of the rest of the world. I sit here right now truly grateful.

My first month of university has been interesting. One things for sure. I. am. exhausted. I have registered for my next course and have switched to the weekend courses so at the end of March I have an overlap where I will have a final exam, final written assignment and a pre course assignment and readings but once I get through that mess I will be able to attend Thursday nights.

I'm still struggling to find my routine, but I'll get there. It may not be as obvious to the rest of you, but I've come a long way with some of the mental aspects of kung fu and am pretty proud of myself. Now I just have to get my butt back in shape.

Right now. I am happy.

See you at the kwoon.

What's Happening to the World?

While coming back from school one day, Josh and I were getting on the LRT. We watched about 20 people go to sit down, look at something and move. We looked over and saw a man collapsed on the floor of the train by a seat. We took a look at him, saw he was breathing, tried to talk to him and got no response. We waited to get out of the tunnel so we could call for help. As we were sitting on the seat across from him, we watched about 15-20 more people see him and keep walking. Finally while we were on the phone with transit services another young man stopped to see if this guy was ok. Between him and Josh they got this man's attention and were able to get him sitting up. Transit alerted passengers of a short delay. While 2 people boarded to help this man, I heard several complaints around us about the wait. They were right by us and could see what was going on, so I couldn't understand all the complaining. After everything was said and done, I was so sad. I watched at least 40 people walk around this person without even taking 2 seconds to see if he was alright. It did end up he was extremely intoxicated, but still a person that needed a hand. A PERSON! I also recently read about police services getting phone calls recently from people complaining their tv show was interrupted by an Amber Alert. Are you kidding me?! What is going on with people that we can't even stop for a minute or two to help someone?

Poorly Balanced

Ok, so things haven't gone so great yet. Had my first week at university and oh my goodness, my brain will not retain anything. It's been a very long time since I've been in school and had to do so much reading and book learning. I'm very A.D.D when it comes to reading dry material from a book and trying to concentrate has not been easy. Legislation. Is. Boring. and unless you are a lawyer, can be quite difficult to understand sometimes.

I have extremely little logged so far. I haven't been balancing everything properly. I need to do better in making kung fu a priority. I'm super stressed out about passing my course because it's not cheap, and financing for the rest of my courses rests on me passing. Being audited at work by 2 separate auditors and doing a full time job in 3 days a week doesn't help, but I shouldn't put my training on the back burner either. I need to balance my life better. I finally have my insurance cheque from my car accident and have an inexpensive, old Buick going in for an inspection tomorrow so hopeful that will work out and I will not have any reason to not be in Monday morning class as I will be able to get there. Being in the kwoon regularly at least once a week should help with engagement. I think I may have bit off more than I can chew. Yikes!