Caterpillar Tuxedos

I'm finishing off a final assignment and exam, then I'm on break until January. It really shouldn't take me so much effort to complete my courses but whenever I'm reading such boring material my mind completely wanders off. I think of things like, if I had to make a tuxedo for a caterpillar, where would the shirt end and pants begin? How many leg holes would I need? Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? Could I write a screen play for a horror film using only finger puppets and still have it be scary? My aunt says she wishes she was a fly on the wall of my brain because she finds my thought process fascinating...Um...thanks. I'm just plain weird. I try to keep my weirdness to myself but sometimes it leaks out beyond my control. I'm a huge fan of Shel Silverstein poetry, he makes me feel not so alone. I guess what I'm trying to say is for me to concentrate on one thing takes so much effort. I can only be so self disciplined before I get distracted by something shiny. I had a meeting with Sifu Brinker and joined the rooster team. It's going to be a tough struggle with work, school and the I Ho Chaun, but I'm going to make a better effort to be a better team mate. I have to keep my mind on the right track.

See you at the kwoon!

See You One Day

http://www.obittree.com/obituary/ca/ontario/wasaga-beach/carruthers--davidson-funeral-home---wasaga-beach-chapel/thomas-gibbons/2770522/

The post is my brother's obituary. My family is asking for people to support the Canadian Mental Health Association. I'm hoping one day to be able to find a suitable charity and work with the Benevolent Foundation to help those with mental illness and support for those with suicidal thoughts.

Trying to Understand

I'm not really sure how to start this blog. I wish people were more open minded. If that were the case when someone is going through a difficult situation, maybe they'd feel more comfortable opening up. So many out there pretend they are ok, when they aren't, I've been there and I'm sure many of you have too. So many people don't want to talk for fear of being ridiculed. Then if they do decide to get help, often there is a 8 week waiting list to talk to a professional. There definitely needs to be more compassion in this world.

My youngest brother committed suicide last night...he jumped of the 14 story building where he resided in Ontario.

RIP
Thomas Ronald Gibbons

Update

We're finally settled into our new place. We are very grateful to have been given the opportunity to live in this condo. We step outside and are surrounded by trees, right beside us is Blackmud Creek and we are a very short walk to MacTaggart Sanctuary loop. The air smells amazing here. I hear at minimum 5 different bird songs as I leave my place in the morning and my one cat is obsessed with watching a squirrel that lives right in front of our place. We've named him Peanut.

I start school again very soon. I took a bit of a break due to moving. School's still quite a challenge, I have to work pretty hard, and there's a lot of self discipline required to do the condensed courses and succeed. Plus, work got busy again and I have to still do the same amount of work I was doing as a full time employee in 3 days a week. No wonder I'm mentally exhausted at the end of my days. The goal is to work really hard and be finished school by next summer.

With my hours getting cut and now going to school and Josh finishing school and not yet working in his field, things have been financially stressful the past year. I have to say though, I've learned the difference between need and want and have a different view of how to spend my money going forward. Once I am working full time again, I am going to focus a lot more on experiences rather than things. I look at all the crap I've needlessly accumulated in the past (like, seriously, who needs 30+ shirts?) and realize my favourite memories don't really lie in the stuff I have, but in the stuff I've done. Once work is stable for us, there's going to be a lot more doing things and a lot less buying things. For now though, there won't be much of either...stupid school...

...Still haven't made it to the Monday class...like I said I would...in February...I don't even know what to say about that...

Well, that's my life in a nutshell.

See you at the kwoon!

How Can So Much Awkwardness Fit In Such a Small Body?

I have difficulty juggling more than 3 balls. I try four and I seem to drop one every single time. I kept talking about being able to attend kung fu again and how I wanted to go back, but I never did. The desire was there, but I'd turn into a big ball of anxiousness every time I'd think of getting ready to go. I spent so much time sick and not participating, it just became easy to not participate. Then I started to feel better but school came along and I couldn't juggle work, school a relationship and kung fu. Kung fu had already started disappearing so that seemed to be the thing to neglect. Josh and I were sorting through our stuff and packing our weapons and were both talking about missing it. I thought about what was holding me back and realistically it was just my ego. The fact that I was so far behind and was forgetting the simplest things. I came to realize I needed to just get over it. I had 2 choices. Feel ok being awkward and slow for awhile or regret never going back. I decided for the awkwardness and showed up to last nights I Ho Chaun class. And man, did I ever feel awkward. I'm unable to get low in my stances, I forgot my forms, and what little I did, my legs hurt. I guess I'm just going to have to try to eat my ego and just keep swimming.

See you at the kwoon!

It Can Happen to Anyone

I attend classes at the UofA Extension. There is many homeless and mentally ill people in the area. So many that a majority of the staff that work in the different stores have become numb to the unusual, and sometimes criminal behaviour of the people that frequent this area. I've had some run ins with many of these people. One man followed me and smelled my hair as I stood in a line up. Another put his arm around me and asked if he could live with me. I don't put myself in situations where I could be in danger or feel really uncomfortable so I'll generally as politely as possible put some distance between myself and that person.

I've had some great conversations with some of these people as well. One guy I had met had sat beside me at the lrt station. He looked at me and asked why I haven't walked away. I asked him why he thought I would and he said because everyone does. He proceeded to open up to me and tell me he had been drinking by himself for 3 days, he lost his job and as a result lost everything. He was trying to find his sister's place to stay and have a good night's sleep. I sat quietly and listened to his story, helped him find his stop. As he got off the train, he hugged me and said thank you.

Another man I met on whyte ave last year. His name was Dwayne. He became so depressed when his wife died that he lost everything in his depression and ended up living in the street.

One of my classmates during my last class went to Tim Hortons and an older teen that looked strung out on something, came running out of the washroom yelling for help. By what I've heard, it's a common tactic used to lure people into the bathroom there and rob them, so the staff and patrons payed no attention. My classmate who is experienced in working with people with addiction recognized the genuine fear in his eyes and went to look. It turned out his girlfriend was miscarrying on the washroom floor.

I would never, ever recommend putting yourself in danger. However, I've noticed how many of these people are ignored. If someone needs help, at the very least make a call to someone that can help them, if you are uncomfortable doing anything yourself. I've come to notice that there can be a lot of pain behind addiction. In talking to the homeless people that I have, many of them have been victim to circumstances out of their control. Some of them are mentally ill and don't know how or even that they can find help, some just lost everything from job loss, and some are escaping abusive situations. Sometimes just listening to someone and showing compassion can do a lot for someone.

There is now mental health first aid courses, I think I'll be making it a priority to take it so I can have a better understanding and be better equipped to recognize different mental health issues and how to help.

I Miss You Guys!!!

Hi everyone!

Wow, a lot has changed just over the past few months. This may be a long winded blog, and I apologize for that but I figure I'd give you an update in the life of Lindsay Gibbons.

First off, Josh and I are engaged. Most people aren't all that surprised by this as we've been together almost 7 years. We inherited a beautiful antique ring and I am grateful to be the one that this ring was given to. Just a heads up, we want a lion dance at our wedding, so get practicing! :)

I have finished 2 university courses and am onto my third. Wow! I don't remember ever having to retain so much boring material in my life. Half my course load is done from home, and the other half evenings and alternating weekends. Let me tell you, it's pretty difficult to force myself to read so much legislation and textbook material. It would be great if these lawyers would at least throw in a joke occasionally.

I think I told you before, I started medication for my anxiety problems. I'm not one to take meds and have a hard time even taking pills for a headache, however, I didn't realize up until a couple years ago that my level of anxiety was not normal and that my brain chemistry was "off". The first round of meds worked great, but gave me insomnia to the point I'd go for days without sleeping. The second try, made me a zombie, I couldn't get up and missed work and school, the third try the pills made me super aggressive and irritable. Apparently it's normal to have to try several different things before getting the right thing into your system since everyone reacts differently and unpredictable. So right now, I'm still a guinea pig, my doctor's pretty much my new BFF. I'm back on the first medication since it worked so well and trying to manage the insomnia. I'm also doing cognitive behavioural therapy. These experiences are really difficult to talk about publicly but I am hoping that maybe someone that has had the same issues I have will get help earlier on than I did.
If you are at home, and feel trapped and physically sick by anxiousness and OCD, contact me, I will help you.

Now kung fu...this is where I am sad. I miss you guys, I think about kung fu a lot. Since the end of February when I told the I Ho Chaun team I'd be able to go to Monday morning classes, since I got my car fixed, I've been able to, but I haven't. I've even had my uniform on and ready to go, but just didn't. I don't know why I'm not able to make this step. I don't even practice at home anymore. There's no excuse not to. I could easily bang out some push ups between reading chapters for school, but again, I don't. After being on the sidelines for so long, I'm having a difficult time getting back in the game. I realize the answer is just do it, so why am I not doing it? My only answer I can think of is purely ego. Embarrassment for being so out of shape and forgetting so much? Maybe. Pure laziness? Maybe that too. I have to just show up, days have turned into months and I don't want them to turn into years or even never.

See you at the kwoon!