Epic Fail

I can see why people don't come back to kung fu after being gone awhile. It's hard. Every single time I say I'm coming back, I mean it at the time, but then the inner monologue kicks in, telling me how much of a disappointment I am and it's easier to just not do it. I managed to show up a few times, but nothing consistent. I have accomplished a lot the past year and have experienced more things than I thought possible, but being a good student and team mate is not one of those things. All I can say is I'm sorry, even though I've said it before, I mean it. I want to come back. Since starting kung fu I've become a better version of myself. Someone that I actually like a little. I'm more patient and compassionate. I'm better equipped to deal with conflict. I'm more open to taking baby steps out of my comfort zone. So, I know that if I let that inner monologue win, I'll see the day I regret walking away from Silent River. I decided to take some small step at the very least by writing this blog. At least it's something, and if I keep taking small steps forward I hope I will end up redeeming myself to you guys and proving I can be reliable.

No Belts. No Bowing. No BS.

So the title of my blog was a slogan for a "martial arts" school that popped up on my Facebook feed. "No Belts. No Bowing. No BS." In a society where everyone seems to get offended easily, not much offends me, but this did. How is bowing that takes me literally 2 seconds to do BS? Bowing and showing respect to those who have worked hard to achieve the rank of black belt. Bowing to show respect to the current and past masters. Bowing to show respect to people that give hours selflessly to make me a better person and teach me. Bowing to show respect to the school and training area. Bowing to show respect to the other students. IT TAKES 2 SECONDS! It probably shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did. I wanted to respond to this post, but I know my response would've been more out of emotion than my knowledge of the history of kung fu, so I left it alone.

Hi!!!

I've made so many improvements to my physical and mental well being I can finally say I am pretty darn content. Happy even for the most part. I sank deep into a negative head space for quite awhile before I was able to get where I am now. Finally accepting things I was unhappy with and doing something about them has driven me to help others. Suicide and severe depression are very real things. I have been directly affected by both and feel the need to help others suffering. Generally speaking, you won't know someone is to that point. There are several signs that someone is not doing well that can help you know when to reach out. Withdrawing from activities that someone used to love. Being suddenly unreliable. Poor hygiene. Sleeping a lot. Constantly being negative. It isn't the same for everyone, but if you notice a loved one behaving differently, reach out and even ask the person for coffee in hopes they open up to you. It's a very lonely feeling and quite embarrassing for most people to talk about. I can speak personally about the withdrawing and becoming unreliable as that is what I tended to do when I needed help the most.

I recently have started journalling and logging my numbers again. I have one week left with the learn to run running group before I start with the 5km group. I was asked to be a group leader for the new learn to run group starting in a couple weeks. Way out of my comfort zone, but I have accepted as it is a very small group and it'll be good to keep me accountable. I stand by the fact that I still hate running, it hurts and I can't breath, but man does it feel good when I'm done. Plus, 8 weeks ago, I couldn't even run 1 minute and this past run I did 2 10 minute intervals, so I definitely see progress even though I still feel like I'm dying. I may be being slightly dramatic.

I still have yet to make my kung fu classes due to some important personal issues I'm dealing with, but it is my next priority and as much as I'm anxious about it, I look forward to having regular attendance again.

See you at the kwoon!

So Random

We had tickets for the Calgary Zoo which expire soon so we figured we'd go on Saturday since it was going to be so beautiful. I try to look for opportunities to be nice to strangers even though I'm still uncomfortable doing so. When in the penguin exhibit I saw a couple trying to take a photo of themselves with their super adorable toddler. I went over and asked if they'd like me to take the picture for them. They guy looked at me and asked if I went to Silent River Kung Fu. I looked at him oddly and said yes. He said he went there too but had to leave a couple years ago as an orange belt for knee surgery and told me how he's been thinking about coming back. We chatted briefly and I told him I just started back again and encouraged him to do the same. I'm hoping he does.
How random is it that I try to do an act of kindness because of Silent River Kung Fu for someone who went to Silent River Kung Fu in Calgary in a penguin exhibit.

Howdy!

Finally feeling so much better. I'm not sure what happened but after starting to recover from my chest infection I kept feeling like I was choking on my own spit. Gross. Not sure how I got all this, it's not like I was licking the seats on public transit or anything. Anywho, I'm glad it's over. Now I just seem to have a never ending runny nose. I'm like the sick kid in class no one wants to sit beside.

I'm in a conflict and confrontation school seminar this coming week on Thursday and Friday, so I'm not sure if I'll make it to class. Good news is though, I get the summer off of school and just have one more course and seminar to go and I AM DONE. For now anyway, until I find a job with a company that will support my goal to write the government exam. Woo hoo!

I decided to join a running club. I'm not sure why. I hate running and clubs so what possessed me to join is beyond me. Seemed like a good idea at the time while I was bored and medicated, and Josh had a gift card from the running room he hadn't used so I went for it. Looks like I'll be running 3 times a week. I'm going to try to incorporate yoga back into my life too so I'm not getting too stiff. I feel like if I run 3 days a week, do an hour of yoga 2-3 days a week and kung fu classes Wednesdays and Thursdays, I'll get back into shape.

I'm pretty happy the way things in my life are shaping up. I may feel different about things after my first run though. I'll keep you posted.

OMG!!!!

I don't hardly ever use the term OMG, but I have to share this I'm so beyond excited. Josh's family is taking us to Maui for Christmas. I've never seen the ocean and am beyond excited. I will be done school by then and will get to have an actual vacation. I'll be there Christmas and New Years eve. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I'm at work, and had to share this news, I'm bouncing in my desk chair with anticipation.

Catch Up

An ear, throat and chest infection really through a wrench into my plans last week. I was finally starting a new routine and then kablamo...hello fever and congestion! I'm feeling so much better now. I didn't get to practice my stick form yet like I was hoping, but I did mental reps so I didn't forget it. I just learned it last class and I do not want to forget.
I went to physio today, the first time I left my place in 5 days, the therapist commented about how much strength I've seemed to have lost since last time she saw me and lectured me on getting back into an exercise routine. Yeah...I know...I have no excuses so I just hung my head in shame.
I am getting there though, I feel like I'm getting back on a really good track after being lost for awhile.
Anyway, thought I'd type out a quick blog before I start catching up on my school assignment. Ahem, we all know I'm probably going to watch a cat video or two before I get started. Who am I kidding? Mr. McKee, if you could somehow incorporate cats and pandas into your vlogs, you'd really be saving me a lot of time.