Year of the Dog

I've been on the team now in some sort of capacity for about 5 years.  The past few years have been an emotional whirlwind.  Health issues, job loss, moving, starting school.  It's been extremely stressful and extremely rewarding all at the same time.  The job losses impacted us tremendously as I had to learn how to live off of not even half of what I was previously making.  We learned a lot about needs vs wants and I've learned the importance of experiences vs stuff.  As stressful as things were and still are, I've learned a lot about myself and about who I am as a person. 

I started back in kung fu yesterday after only being at a couple regular classes over the past few years.  I tend to set my expectations to high and get even more awkward and anxious when I can't meet where I feel I should be.  So I am going to be attending the beginners class for awhile and work on remembering the basics and forms before I go back to my regular class so I don't get overly anxious and give myself a chance to catch up a bit.  I look forward to being back at the kwoon on a more regular basis and Josh will be joining me too.  I'm pretty excited about that since the last time he was in classes, he was a blue belt and I was a white belt.  It will be nice for us to be able to practice together now that I know a bit more than I did.   As much as I am nervous and self conscious about starting over, I am equally as excited for a new start.  I look forward to the year of the dog.

See you at the kwoon!

Persistence App

I used this app before and it is great.  You can select headers and then put different goals under each header so it is easy to organize.  You are able to select your start date and enter your goal and it will show the percentage of where you are at to meet this goal.  This is super helpful and convenient as it's on your phone and entering your numbers is easy on the go.  The only thing I was having to write was my acts of kindness and that was it.  It's called Persistence and it is available in the Apple App Store.  I don't know if you can get it on Android, but if not, I'm sure they'll have something similar if you search habit trackers.

Water

I've never consumed enough water. Ever. Even if I carried a water bottle around with me. This is not a good thing since about 60-70% of our body is made up of the stuff. One of my goals is to start drinking to correct amount. You are supposed to take your body weight in pounds, divide it by 2, and that's the minimum amount of ounces you should drink. Then you increase that based on your activity levels up to an ounce per pound. For me, I am 116 lbs. So I should be drinking a minimum of 58-116 ounces. The past 3 days I've managed to drink just under 2 litres a day with a water bottle I bought that keeps me on track. It's a 32 ounce bottle and it shows me by time of day where I should be in the number of ounces I drink. Super helpful and I'm actually submitting to what the bottle tells me. I'm hoping to be able to keep it up. I also learned it's possible to die from drink too much water. You can actually drown your organs. Who knew?
So far I'm noticing that my skin isn't as dry (obviously), I have a little bit more energy and I pee an awful lot (TMI). We'll see how this goes.

Years In Review

I've been trying to call into the meetings, but it's really hard to hear. By reading the blogs and the sheer volume of them yesterday, I can see I missed a pact to blog. I'm going to try to adjust my work schedule so I'm able to be a part of at least some of the meetings.

The past 2 years have been amazing for me in regards to personal growth. We moved to an area of the south side that we love. We're right behind a ravine and really close to a lot of trails and I love the way it smells here. I find it so calm and relaxing. Josh and I got engaged. It'll be awhile before we can actually have a wedding, but we're slowly planning things out so we know what we want. I finished my course and graduate in June. I'm pretty proud of that actually, because I never had the courage to attend a university. I now am determined to keep growing academically. I also had the opportunity to take the most amazing trip. Josh and I spent Christmas and New Years in Maui and I cannot begin to describe how absolutely awesome this trip was and how relaxed I felt. I didn't even know it was possible for me to be so relaxed. I went whale watching, surfing (with a dog on my board), snorkeling, to a luau, through road to Hana, and so many other things I never thought possible. The trip was a gift, one I genuinely wanted to refuse, but I swallowed my pride an accepted and am so beyond grateful. The generosity of people helping Josh and I while we went through layoffs and trying to get through school has been astounding and I am forever grateful and will pay it forward as soon as we can.

Where I'm struggling now is physically. I spent way to much time not feeling well, then when I felt better I was then working an office job and doing a lot of sitting for school. I was doing a running program 2-3 days a week, but stopped when it started to get colder outside and have done nothing ever since. I've been so lazy physically. It's pretty embarrassing. I tried running forms through my head so that I could at least remember something when I showed up to a class, but the forms are sketchy at best. I'm very much an all or nothing person, so I struggle with balance. I'm either all in or all out. This is going to be my focus for the year of the dog. Balance. I can't do everything but I can at least do something. My goal is to be healthy in body and mind and if I just get over the initial hurdle of embarrassment, anxiousness and awkwardness, I think it can be achieved.

See you at the kwoon.

Epic Fail

I can see why people don't come back to kung fu after being gone awhile. It's hard. Every single time I say I'm coming back, I mean it at the time, but then the inner monologue kicks in, telling me how much of a disappointment I am and it's easier to just not do it. I managed to show up a few times, but nothing consistent. I have accomplished a lot the past year and have experienced more things than I thought possible, but being a good student and team mate is not one of those things. All I can say is I'm sorry, even though I've said it before, I mean it. I want to come back. Since starting kung fu I've become a better version of myself. Someone that I actually like a little. I'm more patient and compassionate. I'm better equipped to deal with conflict. I'm more open to taking baby steps out of my comfort zone. So, I know that if I let that inner monologue win, I'll see the day I regret walking away from Silent River. I decided to take some small step at the very least by writing this blog. At least it's something, and if I keep taking small steps forward I hope I will end up redeeming myself to you guys and proving I can be reliable.

No Belts. No Bowing. No BS.

So the title of my blog was a slogan for a "martial arts" school that popped up on my Facebook feed. "No Belts. No Bowing. No BS." In a society where everyone seems to get offended easily, not much offends me, but this did. How is bowing that takes me literally 2 seconds to do BS? Bowing and showing respect to those who have worked hard to achieve the rank of black belt. Bowing to show respect to the current and past masters. Bowing to show respect to people that give hours selflessly to make me a better person and teach me. Bowing to show respect to the school and training area. Bowing to show respect to the other students. IT TAKES 2 SECONDS! It probably shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did. I wanted to respond to this post, but I know my response would've been more out of emotion than my knowledge of the history of kung fu, so I left it alone.

Hi!!!

I've made so many improvements to my physical and mental well being I can finally say I am pretty darn content. Happy even for the most part. I sank deep into a negative head space for quite awhile before I was able to get where I am now. Finally accepting things I was unhappy with and doing something about them has driven me to help others. Suicide and severe depression are very real things. I have been directly affected by both and feel the need to help others suffering. Generally speaking, you won't know someone is to that point. There are several signs that someone is not doing well that can help you know when to reach out. Withdrawing from activities that someone used to love. Being suddenly unreliable. Poor hygiene. Sleeping a lot. Constantly being negative. It isn't the same for everyone, but if you notice a loved one behaving differently, reach out and even ask the person for coffee in hopes they open up to you. It's a very lonely feeling and quite embarrassing for most people to talk about. I can speak personally about the withdrawing and becoming unreliable as that is what I tended to do when I needed help the most.

I recently have started journalling and logging my numbers again. I have one week left with the learn to run running group before I start with the 5km group. I was asked to be a group leader for the new learn to run group starting in a couple weeks. Way out of my comfort zone, but I have accepted as it is a very small group and it'll be good to keep me accountable. I stand by the fact that I still hate running, it hurts and I can't breath, but man does it feel good when I'm done. Plus, 8 weeks ago, I couldn't even run 1 minute and this past run I did 2 10 minute intervals, so I definitely see progress even though I still feel like I'm dying. I may be being slightly dramatic.

I still have yet to make my kung fu classes due to some important personal issues I'm dealing with, but it is my next priority and as much as I'm anxious about it, I look forward to having regular attendance again.

See you at the kwoon!