Dragon Dance

I think I'm going to really like dragon dance once my cardio is up to snuff.  When it's going slower and I can keep up, its alot of fun.  When I start panting and wheezing, not so much.  I'm starting to figure out how my hands need to go and what signals to look for from the dragon head, when I can actually see it.  I think if I get to practice more in a bit of a slower environment, I'd be ok.

It was great to see everyone at practice.  It made me feel alot better about Saturday and I'm really happy that we don't have to drop out. 

Just so you guys know, Tuesdays and Thursdays won't work for me for a little while.  I have some stuff I need to take care of, but I will definitely be there for my classes Monday and Wednesday, and Fridays and Saturdays.  I hope we practice dragon on Saturdays.  I mentioned this before as well but I'll remind everyone, I won't be here Canada Day weekend, my brother is getting married in Lethbridge and I need to leave the Friday and come back the Sunday.  I will be here Canada Day though if there's somewhere I can help.

Lack of Practice

I'm seeing this demo suffering.  It's obvious when we aren't practicing together.  There were a good portion of over a month where there were a consistent group of people getting together, and I thought things were getting pretty smooth and looked really good.  Now, it's less and less people and as we throw people in as replacements, especially in any portion that requires more than 1 person like Lao Gar or self defense, it looks pretty obvious that there wasn't much practice involved.  I know for myself I need to feel comfortable with what I'm doing and if I'm thrown in somewhere unprepared, I flounder and get frustrated, the better prepared I am, the better I feel about what I am doing.  I talked a few times about people making sure they are there even if they aren't in this lineup so there could be people ready to sub, and ready for the next demo, where'd you all go?  Is there something we can do to involve more of you?  I seriously think we need to start working better as a group and get our "stuff" together.  There are plenty of ways to stay involved as well if you can't be physically with us.  For example, blogging lets us know where you are, Utilizing UBBT chat, post a video of the form you've been working on.  At least then, we know that you are still with us, practicing, and ready to go at a moments notice. 

How Do You REALLY Feel?

Not sure if I should write this post or not, but I am extremely frustrated.  My left hip and knee rotate inward and are constantly in pain. I find my hip dislocating itself and going back in constantly and this is very painful, it mostly happens when throwing side heels or back kicks.  My right arm is still not fully functional after injuring it a few years ago, it's much better but still has a long way to go.  My cardio is really bad, after a small amount of running with that dragon last night, I thought I was going to black out.  I started smoking when I was 14 and regret doing that, especially now.  I used to take all sorts of medication to try to alleviate the pain but I got so tired of putting chemicals I couldn't even pronounce in my body that I just decided to deal with it.  I need to see a chiropractor or physio and get orthotics made, etc, etc...but it all costs money, even with benefits.  It sucks having to go through life and makes you super cranky to always be hurting.  What sucks even more is when you do talk about it, it seems like you're just complaining or whining all the time.  Realistically, if I told you every time I was in pain, I'd be complaining ALOT.

I'm also frustrated with the amount of kung fu I've thrown myself into.  It's extremely aggravating and demotivating being the slow kid in class all the time.  It's also starting to really bother me that with working full time and being in Stony 5-6 days a week and with Josh working full time and going to school part time, I see him only an evening a week.  Also frustrated that alot of our team hasn't been able to show up to things, which makes me feel alot of pressure to fill in for things that I definately don't feel ready for.  I'm also frustrated that I can't seem to remember to log anything.  All I can say is GRRRRRRRR!

None of this should probably bother me so much but it does.  I mean, no one is holding a gun to my head and making me do this...So why is it frustrating me so much?

Good Enough vs Not Good Enough

I've read alot about people accepting good enough and moving on without ever learning their full potential.  I think the opposite can be damaging as well.  I often think "not good enough"...it makes me so frustrated when I'm not good at something and I don't get there as quickly as I think I should and 90% of the time, I just give up.  I think a good balance is essential.  I think you need to develop recognition that you are good enough for now, can be better and will strive to be better.  I think either extreme is unhealthy.  I am extremely hard on myself, there's no one in this world that will criticize me more than I will.  I need to learn to be comfortable with my current capabilities and be alright with working on my weaknesses one step at a time without damaging my self worth and running away from things all the time.  Right now, I'm more out of my comfort zone than I ever have been and I'm teetering between giving up and moving forward and I'm really trying not to quit.

A Pit of Snakes and Tarantulas

Many people have their fears.  Mine happens to be public performances, worms, centipedes and deep water.  Unfortunately for me, I have to overcome one of those in order to get my blackbelt.  I ask you though,  please don't push me too hard.  A gentle nudge is ok, but I need to overcome it in my own way.  If your biggest fear was snakes and tarantulas and I asked you to jump into a pit of them, would you?  Probably not, you'd want to start off by being alright with pictures of them, then by being in the same room, then by maybe touching one and then by holding one.  If I told you that you had to jump in a pit full of them, you'd probably faint or run away.  This is how I feel when being pushed into public performances.  I don't want to feel like my decision has to be do it or quit.  I want to start gradually with dragon dance or something.  I'm willing to try but don't want to be overwhelmed.

Little Lion

I saw the little purple lion yesterday in the kids class.  I love it and it looks my size!  I have to work on my thigh muscles now so I can hold a horse stance for longer than 20 seconds and get in there!

Mumford and Sons

I missed class last night to go to Mumford and Sons.  I got tickets for my birthday.  It was awesome!  I'm a little tired and cranky today but its worth it.  I remember when I used to be able to stay out until 4am and be at work for 8am.  Those days are definitely gone. 

I'm still not logging, I don't know what to do to get my brain to remember.  I know I'm doing way more acts of kindness than I'm writing down because I feel guilty when I'm not nice when I have the chance to be.  All 20+ of you are sitting on my shoulder, acting as my conscience.

I'm worried about our upcoming demo.  It was really good, for over a month we had a good group of people that were able to diligently come to practice but for the past couple of weeks, that's seemed to go downhill and there are a couple people now that know they can't make it because of the date.  I'm not blaming anyone, most of you have very good and understandable reasons, it's just the circumstances.  I hope we practiced enough before hand that everything goes smoothly.  It's mostly the people for the fill in positions I'm nervous about because I didn't really give them all that much time to practice.  Like I said in my UBBT post though, I'm naturally a worrier.

Why are people not blogging anymore? I read them, it helps me with my struggles when I find some of you are having the same ones.  It also helps me to get to know you better, especially you guys that aren't at the kwoon that much.  At first I felt creepy about it but now I spend my lunch breaks reading blogs.  Don't give up, you're not allowed to quit!