Too Many Things

Pandamonium is always fun. It's nice to see your training mates in a more casual situation and get to know them better. I hope we raised alot of money. It was awesome to see how many people supported the bake sale. I over indulged in way too many chocolate chip cookies.

I've been feeling a bit better. I've modified my diet and been drinking some herbal teas. At first this was wreaking havoc on my system but now I've seemed to be leveling out. I also have been trying to work with my sleep cycles to wake up at a better time. So far it seems like I've improved. I managed to make my classes this week, so I'm happy.

I'm a bit unmotivated with kung fu right now. I'm having a hard time learning anything new with my ropedart so I've kind of been leaving it to collect dust for the past while. I broke it out for a bit during Pandamonium but I haven't figured out how to progress with it. I also tried to go through alot of my orange belt curriculum and I've forgotten so much. I was practicing Long and it ended up being some weird Long/Lao Gar hybrid. During the knife defense portion I just kept stabbing myself. Good thing orange is one of my favorite colors. San Shao is going horribly. I'm so uncomfortable with alot of the techniques. If I'm told to shadow box, it just ends up being a bunch of random arm and leg flailing. It's just a whole bunch of awkwardness coming from my part. I'm the lowest ranking belt and the other students are bigger males. I need another uncoordinated female to join so when we're told to partner up, I'm not left standing by myself all the time. Sigh...I hope one day I get better.

Watching From the Sidelines

Watching from the sidelines has given me a different perspective on things. I've always been a people watcher. I notice when people are struggling and it's always been in my nature to want to help, but I don't always know how. I notice when people finally have their "ah-ha" moments when they figure out how to do something they've been struggling to do. I notice when people feel insecure about trying something new when people are around. I notice when people work really hard to get what they want. I notice so many things about the people I train with and whether I'm right or not in my observations, I admire all of my team mates on many different levels. You've all taught me things that you don't even realize and I thank you for it. Now it makes me wonder about how other's see me...Right now I'm just the girl on the bench...I really have to fix that. Believe me when I say, I'm working on it.

Helping Myself

I had my last doctor's appointment with the surgeon yesterday. After many, many, many tests, they officially cleared me of all the cancers they were checking me for. Honestly I thought that I had been cleared of that before when they told me the tumours looked benign, so I didn't even know I was being checked for cancer still. I am of course happy with that diagnosis, but why aren't they looking for something else other than that? I've done a lot of research on my own and what seems to me to be the problem is my digestive tract. I seem to have 95% of the symptoms and based on what I've read, there's a lot I can do myself to help. Most of it is diet. Now here's where I am stuck. I have nut allergies and allergies to most citrus. I can only stand most vegetables with cheese on them and it looks like I will need to cut out the dairy...So what on earth is left??? I tried Soy milk...yuck! I tried Almond milk...yuck! Now that I have what I think is wrong with me nailed down, I am going to go back to the doctor AGAIN and see what I can do. I have noticed a link between when I get a majority of pain to not long after I eat.

Now to my kung fu. Well, quite frankly I'm not doing well, not the first time I've said this. I haven't even been watching my classes because I hate explaining why I'm not participating because I'm just frustrated. I thought I could at least keep up with my acts of kindness, but I'm not even logging those anymore. I'm exhausted a lot and don't get off my couch very much. I need to change this. I've thought quite frequently of quitting, but I know I'd be mad at myself if I did. I just need to struggle through the next little while and get over this hump. I don't want to use my exhaustion as an excuse to be lazy but I feel sometimes I am. I just gotta keep going, and not give up. It's not too late to start over.

Truth Hurts but it's Good For You!

Have you ever watched the first couple episodes of American Idol? It amazes me how genuinely heartbroken some people are when they are told they suck. I bet these people have gone through their entire lives with everyone telling them how wonderful they are...Wouldn't it have been better is someone told them the truth? Told them that they needed work and in a kind way, helped them so that they were good? I'm pretty sure that would save them the heartbreak that, lets be honest, entertains the rest of us. So what's wrong with truth? I'm dead set against the "no zero" policies schools seem to have. To me, if you don't know the answers, you don't know the answers. It's the same for me with kung fu. I don't want a participant belt. I've been told things about myself I don't want to hear, but when I go home at night, its just fact, its truth, its coming from a good place, and it's something I need to work on. I used to be so very embarrassed needing to be corrected so much, but now I appreciate it. Don't get me wrong, I still get embarrassed now and again, but it's not as much as before and I know it's just because I'm doing something wrong and I'm being taught to do it right. I know that because I'm being told the truth, that when I get my blackbelt, I have earned it, honestly earned it, didn't try to earn it, just earned it. It won't be blue and it won't say participant.

How?

I'm not quite sure what to do to change things. Last year I did I Ho Chaun and changed alot about myself, but it felt really lonely. My friends stopped calling because "all you ever do is kung fu" and really I'm pretty sure I bored them to death because it's all I had to talk about. Josh and I barely saw each other too. This year I'm trying to balance things better, but now I just feel like a terrible team mate. I'm not sure where to find that balance and what to do about it.

I'm definitely one that has good intentions but doesn't follow through in alot of ways. I keep trying to log, but I don't. I don't do all the reps I'm supposed too. I don't do things publicly. I am trying to be better disciplined but I'm not sure how to do it while keeping everything important to me in balance. Public demos are something that's going to take me a long time to be able to do, even the thought of it makes me want to hurl. I know that it's something that's going to be alot of work.

I get up between 5am and 6am during the week, depending on what I have to do at work that day. I started trying to get up everyday at 5 and the days I don't have to be at work so early, my intention was to go to the gym. That happened once, I have an issue with my snooze button. The one day I did go, I felt really good about myself. I walked a mile, did modified ab and shoulder exercises, all before 6am and I felt that wonderful soreness throughout my body when you know you've had a good workout. But...IT's 5AM!

One thing I have to say I'm happy I'm doing is continuing San Shao. I don't like sparring because I feel really uncoordinated and awkward and I don't know what to do, I wanted to quit that class within the first 20 minutes, but I'm still there and calming down more as I'm learning things. When I am not frustrated with myself and learning, I enjoy it alot more. I was also super nervous to be in the back of the advanced class because I know I don't belong there, but I did, and the time works so much better with my schedule.

So, I guess my to do list is;

Go to the gym on the days I am not at work for 6:30am.
Continue going to San Shao.
Find a way to remember to log and do it!!!
Attend all my classes.

Public demos are going to still have to be a work in progress. I'm still not ready for that yet...I know the point of doing I Ho Chaun is to do things publicly, but I'm just not there yet, unless you want a demo consisting of a girl fainting in front of a whole bunch of people. In that case, I'm your girl! You could copy and paste Sifu Rybak's blog and insert it as mine, because I can relate completely.

Grateful to be Sick

We have a few people working for us who immigrated to Canada within the past few years. A couple of these people are the happiest people I have ever met. 2 of them are always smiling and singing and I've never heard them complain about anything, not even once. I learned that the 2 of them are both from Burma. One of them was taken from his family and forced to become a child soldier. The other one can't sleep in a bed because when he was escaping his country, he slept on the jungle floor, so to this day he sleeps on the floor where he lives. Both of them are happy to just not be being shot at on a daily bases. Some of these people's stories are incredible and so very humbling. So, yes I am thankful to just be sick, comfortable on my couch, in Canada.

I Didn't Even Know...

It wasn't until a couple days ago that I realized how much had changed. 2 years ago, I'd look in my cupboards and see Mr. Noodle, Mac and Cheese, cookies, chips and pretty much anything microwavable. Today I look in my cupboard and I see grains, spinach pasta, canned fruits and veggies and low sodium soups. 2 years ago, I'd look in my freezer and see microwavable dinners and ice cream. Today it's stocked with frozen fruit for morning smoothies. 2 years ago I'd look in my fridge and see sugary iced tea, and not much else but condiments. Today it's full of different leafy vegetables, mushrooms, cucumber, tomatoes, natural fruit juice and homemade granola bars. 2 years ago I walked with my feet splayed outward, head down and arms crossed. Today I walk with my feet straight, head up and arms at my side. 2 years ago I would never in a million years get out of bed earlier than I had to for anything unless my bed was on fire. Today I got up at 5am to go to the gym.

If I Ho Chaun changed me, it can change you...but you have to not give up. I failed and started over many times but I never stopped completely. If you feel resentful, angry or negative in any way, find someone to talk to. If you're missing classes to avoid something or because you're afraid of something, talk about it. You'll change in ways you won't even realize until you're looking back at yourself 2 years ago.