A Day In The Life Of Lindsay M. Gibbons

It's been a mixed bag of a week. I'm not very good at maintaining my requirements. I tend to allow genuine reasons become an excuse for me to get nothing done and be lazy, when in actuality, there's always something I could do. I don't remember to log either. I've tried blogging my numbers, carrying a piece of paper, making notes on my phone, nothing worked. I have to be accountable to other people, because if it's just me I procrastinate until a month or 2 go by and I realize I've done nothing. The past week, posting my numbers on the UBBT chat has made me consistently do some requirements every single day this week, and I think that's the first time ever. It's also more fun for me that people joined in and we can challenge each other with little kindness challenges and support each other. I think I've found a way finally that works for me.

My heart stopped when I realized everyone was doing their forms in class. I felt myself becoming as small as possible and making my way to the changeroom. I wish I wasn't that scared. It sucks, but I'm just not ready for that mountain quite yet.

I enjoyed San Shao class. It was fun and I wasn't frustrated. I usually just stand there frozen, not knowing what to do when sparring, but I learned some things and got to practice them. A huge weakness for me is combinations and sparring, so one of my goals this year was to work on that and make my required numbers.

Sometimes I think when your in a rut, the only answer is to force your way through and find a way to just do it.

Oh Bother!

I'm not sure how to write this blog without sounding complainy. I've been in pain quite a bit for almost a year. I do have weeks here and there where it goes away, but it's not seeming to last very long. Sometimes I think I have a solution, but then, nope, no such luck. I'm really frustrated with the medical system, apparently if you don't have cancer, nobody cares about helping you find out what's wrong. Between my side, my knee, my hip, my back, there's just no break in between and kung fu is the last thing I want to do. I don't even want to talk to anyone anymore because I don't want to answer questions such as "why weren't you here" and "why are you on the bench again". I'm tired of hearing my own voice complain about my ailments when I know so many people have it so much worse. Then there's the added pressure of trying to do everything to keep up with everyone else. I know I'm not supposed to worry about things like that, but I do especially when working with a partner and when I constantly feel like I'm embarrassing myself, why would I even want to bother. I seriously wish I could just feel normal for a little while. I finally acknowledged that I have become quite depressed dealing with my situation and it's snowballing into me not wanting to do anything that I used to enjoy. I sleep alot and have got super emotional which isn't like me. It took a few other people to notice it before I could even admit that I now have a bigger problem. I guess I have to push through it and keep hoping I find a doctor who can help. I haven't been doing my requirements. I think I may have to start doing a little and posting them everyday so I don't totally fall off the map. I'm stuck in a vicious circle, I can't seem to get out of.

Keep Going...

My favorite moments in kung fu have been when I've stuck around for 5-10 minutes after class. Sometimes you have the greatest conversations with people that help put things in a different perspective for you. I find it very useful to learn other people's thoughts of me because when you're clouded by your own brain, its hard to see your own strengths and weaknesses sometimes and it gives you a different view of what you may need to change. I seem to find it very easy to see my weaknesses and focus to much on them. I need to find a reasonable balance. Sticking around you also get to witness some pretty cool things. Yesterday Sihing MacDonald put up some milk jugs full of water and chopped them up really good with a sword. A few other people tried too. I wasn't so brave, I've hurt myself with a butter knife and knew better than to touch a sword.

I went in Friday with the full intention of quitting San Shao. After sitting and talking with Sifu Playter for awhile I'm going to give it a little longer and use it more as a tool for learning to curb my frustration and anxiety rather than worrying so much about the sparring part. He's also agreed to be my steady partner for sparring again. I think this will make me feel more comfortable taking a break when I get overly anxious and slowing it down alot because he understands what my issues are. I'm also hoping more students show up to participate so that there's more people working on their stuff so I don't feel that my awkwardness is highlighted.

Lion Dance I'm not enjoying so much. It's not that I don't like it at all, it's that I don't like that I feel like I'm slowing down the person that's partnered up with me. I just don't get it. The head feels so huge and unmanageable, my feet and hands don't do what they are supposed to do and my goodness does my back ever hurt being hunched over so much. How does one get everything coordinated together and why is everyone else picking it up so much faster than me? I like watching way better than participating. I keep watching the drums and trying to learn the rhythms. I'm going to be a drummer one day. I'm not sure I'm built or coordinated enough to be in a lion.

So I guess I'm still in a rut, but I know once I get through it I'll come out a better person...I hope.

Who Put This Giant "L" on my Forehead?

I'm past my blog date. To be honest I had nothing nice to say so I didn't say anything at all. Thought I'd snap out of it by now. I feel like the biggest loser ever right now. I'm still in the advanced class when I'm able to attend classes because of scheduling. I struggle to keep up but that was expected being an orange belt among blue and brown belts, so that's ok. I didn't attend my classes this week and I have no excuse other than I didn't want to go, I didn't want to do kung fu anymore.

I went to my Fridays I Ho Chaun class because I said I would and I try to always keep my word. I was put in the demo and even though it was for a few seconds, the thought of it terrified me. Every fibre of my being told me not to show up on Saturday, but I did, I forced myself too. As the demo grew closer my heart started to pound so loud it's the only thing I could hear. My body got really hot and my legs started to shake. I thought for sure that I would fall on my own arse as soon as I attempted a 'kick' to Sihing Tymchuks head. I didn't fall, I survived, I guess people cheered but I didn't hear much over the drumming of my own heart. I'm not sure my heart can handle that again, but at the same time, I remember being so inspired by the tiny chicks taking down the big guys while watching demos before I started kung fu. Could I possible, eventually inspire someone else? I wish I wasn't so darn afraid. I'm getting jealous of how awesome you all are, but too afraid to be awesome myself.

I'm still showing up to San Sao class. Every bit of it is challenging for me. I have the coordination of a baby giraffe trying to stand up for the first time, ok, actually, they're more coordinated than I am. It's all the little things that are hard too that I'm sure the other students don't even think of anymore, like the blocks hurt. It's not even that hard, but I still end up going home with bruises all over me. I suppose I have to toughen up for a real life situation though, afterall it is a sparring class, I just wish everything wasn't as much of a challenge as it is and I didn't get so frustrated with myself all the time.

So this is how my kung fu is going, I'm still around, barely, but still here. The only reason I keep showing up right now is because I really like the people on my team. I'm still hoping to get through this rough patch. I recognize how much the I Ho Chaun changed me for the better last year, so I know I should stick with it, even though I don't want to at this moment. I just wish there was at least one thing I was good at...

Too Many Things

Pandamonium is always fun. It's nice to see your training mates in a more casual situation and get to know them better. I hope we raised alot of money. It was awesome to see how many people supported the bake sale. I over indulged in way too many chocolate chip cookies.

I've been feeling a bit better. I've modified my diet and been drinking some herbal teas. At first this was wreaking havoc on my system but now I've seemed to be leveling out. I also have been trying to work with my sleep cycles to wake up at a better time. So far it seems like I've improved. I managed to make my classes this week, so I'm happy.

I'm a bit unmotivated with kung fu right now. I'm having a hard time learning anything new with my ropedart so I've kind of been leaving it to collect dust for the past while. I broke it out for a bit during Pandamonium but I haven't figured out how to progress with it. I also tried to go through alot of my orange belt curriculum and I've forgotten so much. I was practicing Long and it ended up being some weird Long/Lao Gar hybrid. During the knife defense portion I just kept stabbing myself. Good thing orange is one of my favorite colors. San Shao is going horribly. I'm so uncomfortable with alot of the techniques. If I'm told to shadow box, it just ends up being a bunch of random arm and leg flailing. It's just a whole bunch of awkwardness coming from my part. I'm the lowest ranking belt and the other students are bigger males. I need another uncoordinated female to join so when we're told to partner up, I'm not left standing by myself all the time. Sigh...I hope one day I get better.

Watching From the Sidelines

Watching from the sidelines has given me a different perspective on things. I've always been a people watcher. I notice when people are struggling and it's always been in my nature to want to help, but I don't always know how. I notice when people finally have their "ah-ha" moments when they figure out how to do something they've been struggling to do. I notice when people feel insecure about trying something new when people are around. I notice when people work really hard to get what they want. I notice so many things about the people I train with and whether I'm right or not in my observations, I admire all of my team mates on many different levels. You've all taught me things that you don't even realize and I thank you for it. Now it makes me wonder about how other's see me...Right now I'm just the girl on the bench...I really have to fix that. Believe me when I say, I'm working on it.

Helping Myself

I had my last doctor's appointment with the surgeon yesterday. After many, many, many tests, they officially cleared me of all the cancers they were checking me for. Honestly I thought that I had been cleared of that before when they told me the tumours looked benign, so I didn't even know I was being checked for cancer still. I am of course happy with that diagnosis, but why aren't they looking for something else other than that? I've done a lot of research on my own and what seems to me to be the problem is my digestive tract. I seem to have 95% of the symptoms and based on what I've read, there's a lot I can do myself to help. Most of it is diet. Now here's where I am stuck. I have nut allergies and allergies to most citrus. I can only stand most vegetables with cheese on them and it looks like I will need to cut out the dairy...So what on earth is left??? I tried Soy milk...yuck! I tried Almond milk...yuck! Now that I have what I think is wrong with me nailed down, I am going to go back to the doctor AGAIN and see what I can do. I have noticed a link between when I get a majority of pain to not long after I eat.

Now to my kung fu. Well, quite frankly I'm not doing well, not the first time I've said this. I haven't even been watching my classes because I hate explaining why I'm not participating because I'm just frustrated. I thought I could at least keep up with my acts of kindness, but I'm not even logging those anymore. I'm exhausted a lot and don't get off my couch very much. I need to change this. I've thought quite frequently of quitting, but I know I'd be mad at myself if I did. I just need to struggle through the next little while and get over this hump. I don't want to use my exhaustion as an excuse to be lazy but I feel sometimes I am. I just gotta keep going, and not give up. It's not too late to start over.