It's Been Awhile

Well, it's been awhile. Awhile since I've blogged and awhile since I've been to class. Without complaining or making excuses, I'll simply say, things have not been easy. It's taken me awhile to accept that I am mentally ill...and especially had a hard time seeing everyone after publishing my last blog. Apparently I've been "mentally ill" for longer than I thought. Things I've been experiencing my entire life I thought were just normal. Apparently not so much. I always knew I was an anxious person and knew I had a mild case of OCD, but the rest of it I didn't know. I do have anxiety disorders worse than I thought and the whole depression thing, I haven't been able to cope with dealing with it very well. Hiding it, easy, most people, even the ones closest to me have no idea. Wake up, slap a grin on your face, walk out the door or fake sick and don't leave your house at all. Dealing with it in a real way isn't so easy. I was supposed to go to therapy but didn't go, I totally didn't want anything to do with it. Talking about it is difficult, people think that people with depression just aren't grateful, not true. I promise you that isn't true, I am extremely grateful. Also, being real about my issues makes me feel like that negative person. I'm not that either. I also learned that I'm not an angry person, it's a reaction to the anxiety. Control the anxiety, control the anger. It's a vicious circle not many people wish to discuss because they just wish it would go away. Sigh...Well, I'm going to have to get used to talking about it if I'm going to get the help I need. Maybe I'll attempt therapy again, I'm just not ready yet.

I still think about kung fu even though I altogether stopped practicing. I haven't been to a regular class for over a year, been months since an I Ho Chaun class. I will come back eventually, however it definitely becomes easier not to when you've been away for so long. I joined the Monkey team, so I can't completely disappear.

I will mention, I haven't yet drowned my sorrows in bacon. It's been over a year now since I've eaten meat...hmmmm...maybe it's my lack of bacon making me depressed...something to ponder. :) Just kidding, it's actually easy now and I like it a lot. Most people haven't got used to not getting me the Keg giftcards for special occassions yet, but I'm pretty sure Josh likes it, since he ends up getting to spend them while I sit there being THAT girl on a date that just orders a salad, assuring everyone that I do in fact actually eat. I even eat broccoli now. I HATED broccoli, but darn it if it isn't delicious roasted with olive oil, garlic and lemon juice. Mmmmmm...broccoli. Ok, seriously, I need to go make some broccoli.

Anyway, that's it for now.
See you at the kwoon.

Your Own True Self

I've failed to accept myself as I am for a very long time now. Doctors have suggested to me a few times, along with people who know me that I suffer from anxiety and depression. The anxiety part is difficult to hide and slightly easier to talk about, the depression part not so much. You don't want to tell people how hard you struggle to get out of bed. That you don't care if a semi were to run you over on your way home from work. You don't want people to know, because you don't want to feel that way yourself. In my mind I am very aware of all the things I should be grateful for. I am very aware of how beautiful mother nature is and all the great people I have in my life, however, my brain doesn't allow me to enjoy it for very long. 95% of the physical ailments I have been experiencing are caused by these mental ailments. It's a pretty vicious circle. The more my brain glitches the worse my stomach and muscles hurt, the more I don't leave my home, the more I lie about what's wrong, the more I lie to people and say I'm fine, the more I don't participate in regular activities, the more I sit on the bench. It definitely is like waking up from one nightmare to another. I also know other people think of me as a negative person that just complains all the time. I assure you, I don't want this, nor do I want to be perceived that way. It's so easy to drown yourself in drugs and alcohol so you don't feel anything anymore and I know why people do that. I haven't really been to any of my regular classes in over a year, I'm anxious about coming back. Right now I'm available to attend Mondays, but I still haven't gone in favor of my bed and a book. I've preferred to be alone. Realizing how close I actually am to becoming the dreaded cat lady, I've agreed to allow my doctor to book me for therapy. I wish I wasn't embarrassed to talk about it. Stomach hurts, head hurts, throat hurts...accepted...You say you're brain is malfunctioning and people avoid you like you have the plague.

Juggling

I found a new job. So now I'll be working 2 jobs. I'm lucky and grateful that the both are willing to share me with each other. Not many companies are willing to do that. This is good in a way. I was getting pretty overly content with the position I'm in. I have a routine and that routine, although comfortable, isn't very challenging anymore. Now I'll be doing something different with different people and on my feet all day, which will be great for the kilometres. I will still have the same amount of work at my first job, just now I'll have to get it all done in 2 days. I'm a bit nervous I'm over extending myself, but we'll see. I will have to just make sure that I balance everything the best I can to make sure work, my personal life and Kung Fu all meld together and nothing takes a back seat. The next while will be a struggle as I figure out my new responsibilities and routine, but I think I'm up for the challenge. Things are about to get a bit crazy. Wish me luck!

5 km... Oh Dear...

I'm always pretty embarrassed at how bad my cardio is. I've never been someone who ever had a desire to run. However, I guess it's the best way to develop endurance. There's a few races in Edmonton that actually seem like fun and I'd actually like to try them. Next summer I'd like to run Color Me Rad and then do the Zombie Run in the fall. Today I downloaded the free Couch to 5km app and went for a jog/run. I'm not going to lie, I felt like crap. I know my posture must've been wrong because my shins and calves hurt, so I have to get some advice on that, and I felt really weak afterward. The app is an eight week program so I'm going to keep going with it as I'm sure it will get way better. Why else would so many people do it.

Stressed, Blessed and a Little Depressed Part 2

We all have these weeks I'm sure. You wake up and water from your toilet spurts all over the floor, clean it up to find out you have no water, the air pressure was what caused the water to go everywhere. Show up to work late and un-showered to find out you no longer work full time. Have 3 panic attacks, catch pink eye from someone and your car breaks down and gets towed to a shop. Here is why I'm stressed.

However, I managed to talk myself out of my panic attacks. I thought of all the things I'm grateful for, breathed, grounded myself and slowly I calmed myself from the point of almost blacking out just by being mindful of all the things I had to be thankful for. Yay me! I also realized how many fantastic people I have in my life that are willing to support me and lend a hand. I recognize as well how this could be an opportunity for me. I get stuck in a rut and don't do anything about it until the universe shoves me and says for me to get my arse out there and make a change. Clearly I'm being shoved. Maybe this will give me a chance to do something different I would've never had the courage to do before. I'm obviously going to be stressed, I'm obviously going to have anxiety and it will get worse probably before it gets better but I'll get through it. Even with things going wrong, I have so much to be thankful for and recognize how many people have it so much worse than I do. Here is why I'm blessed.

I'm thankful I have my second family at the kwoon to go to so I can be around such positive energy. It sure helps lift my spirits to be around everyone. Thanks Sifu Regier for allowing me to drain your phone battery so I could "attend" the meeting. :)

Stressed, Blessed and a Little Depressed

For someone with anxiety issues, stability is a very important thing. When something interrupts routine, the anxiety starts making them do things they don't want to do. Having my hours cut at work and trying to figure things out is definitely making my brain glitch. I start to act obsessively way more out of control than usual. I cannot relax until my place is spotless, I'll check my oven 5 times before I'm convinced I turned it off. It becomes harder to manage than usual, and the stomach issues flare up like crazy. For those that don't have anxiety, imagine that feeling you get on one of those rides that drop 100 feet when you first start to drop...amplify that feeling by 10 or think of the feeling the last time you got really bad news. Now imagine feeling like that constantly over what should be a stupid little thing for a "normal" person. There can be no rhyme or reason that results in a panic attack. Logically, I know it doesn't make sense, still happens anyway, and the more you fight it, the worse it gets. You get stuck with a brain that you're constantly battling everyday, just to calm down and to be able to relax. The reason I'm bringing this up is because, again, someone suggested to me I teach first aid. Teaching, being in front of people, dear god no. My heart is racing and I want to puke thinking about it. However, I'm actually thinking about it this time regardless of the quivering hands and feeling like fainting. I mean, I guess, what's the worse that can happen? I vomit on someone and never see them again. I'll be in a small group, no crowd and even if I never actually teach, it's a step right? Oh dear...

See you at the kwoon.

Crossroads

We all have those times in our lives when we hit a crossroad. What way to we go? Recent cutbacks at work has put me in a position of uncertainty. I'm the type of person who needs security. I don't do very well without it. Right now with my hours slashed and without a full time paycheque I'm in a position of panic, firing on all cylinders, planning my next move. I don't want to get stuck in a position I hate at a company just to get payed, but I do have to pay my bills, I do enjoy eating. It's been suggested to me several times now to start my own consulting company to help small businesses get their safety programs started. The thought of it makes me anxious. I know nothing about starting a business, and where would I get the money to start it to begin with. At the same time, it is something that is becoming higher in demand, and pushing itself as necessary into residential construction. What do I do? I'm stuck and have no idea where to turn at this point. For now I'll start researching I guess as I pound the pavement with many others who have recently undergone the same fate.