Trying to Relax

I hate how my anxiousness affects my kung fu.  My nerves kick into high gear during classes.  Kung fu is something I'm not naturally good at.  My body doesn't like cooperating with what my mind tells it to do.  I always feel bad for my instructors as I ask them to repeat the exact same thing 50 times and I still don't get it.  I always wish I could catch on faster, then I make myself even more anxious and then my brain shuts down further and I can't absorb anything.  I also struggle just being in the IHC class because there's so many people around and I always feel on edge.  I have a hard time with letting Sifu's see my forms even one on one, and it makes it difficult to get the proper correction I need to improve, when I can't even perform in front of anyone without feeling beyond awkward.  It looks like I'm not even trying or practicing, but I am.  I'm working on calming myself and receiving instruction from Sifu Brinker to learn Kempo 2 and to learn my sword form from Sifu Beckett.  It may take me a really long time to learn, but hopefully I improve myself even if it's a tiny bit each time.  Maybe one day I won't feel like a turtle on it's back.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not beating myself up, there's plenty of things I'm good at.  This is just something I know I have to work on.

Saturdays and Kindness

I had adjusted my work schedule while I was in school so I had been working Saturdays to have the weekday off I needed to get reading and assignments completed.  It worked really well as no one is in the office on the weekends other than occasionally our cleaning lady and I was able to get things done without being bothered by anything.  I had been calling into the meetings but honestly it was really hard to hear most people and as I was multitasking, I feel like I was missing a lot.  I'm going to be reversing my schedule back to weekends off while I'm not attending classes so I can attend meetings and maybe take in some of these seminars that are being offered.  It's so much better seeing everyone face to face.

After Saturdays meeting Josh called me on my way home to tell me our bearded dragon, Dexter, was acting weird and was really cold.  I knew he was on his last legs as his behaviour was the same as when his sister died the year before.  Sure enough, he passed away later that night.  We took him to a pet cremation place called Atim Creek Pet Crematory.  I know it may seem to people as being a little ridiculous to have a reptile cremated but I'm a huge pet lover regardless of species and felt better having him cremated and spread on the properties garden than having him disposed otherwise.  Anyway, Dave, the gentlemen that's the owner of the company was amazingly kind and I really liked him right away.  We chatted for about an hour.  He asked me if I knew what a RAK was and I smiled and said yes.  I proceeded to tell him about that part of our kung fu training and he told me that I am not to pay him, but to be kind to someone else when the time comes.  It was pretty cool to be on a receiving end of a random act of kindness and it made me want to continue doing more for other people.

See you at the kwoon!

LAZY

Right now I'm the laziest I've ever been.  I've been sleeping a lot and it takes me every ounce of willpower I have to do anything.  Maybe it's because I sat too much between work and school and got to used to it.  Maybe it's this never ending winter.  I've been drinking more water than I ever had and watching my diet so I know my lack of exercise is contributing to making me tired and my tiredness contributing to my lack of exercise.  I need to keep forcing myself to get off the darn couch and get back into a healthy lifestyle!  Right after this nap...

Bad Week

For the past week and a half I've been waking up with a sore neck and headache and going to bed between 8 and 9.  It's been a bad week for accomplishing much of anything.  Josh said I've been sleeping all twisted up and weird and either running or fighting in my sleep.  So I guess I'm being more productive than I thought because I'm either getting in my kms or sparring rounds while sleeping so yay for me for multitasking.  I definitely feel empathy for those who get chronic headaches.
Anyway, I'm currently looking for a homeless shelter needing volunteers on Tuesday mornings so I can help out somewhere and meet more people before starting my book.  Preferably one that I can park relatively close to and hopefully for free (downtown parking rates are ridiculous).  Any suggestions from anyone who has done this?

The Edmonton Project

I had an idea for a book I wanted to write a few years ago after interacting with a homeless man named Dwayne.  This man's story really stuck with me in the brief time I had talking with him.  There's still a misconception by many that homeless people are all drug addicts or lazy.   I can tell you for sure, this is not the case, and even if someone is on the streets due to drugs, why did it come to that?  All it takes one change in circumstance and any of us could be there.  My book would entail the lives of Edmonton homeless and their stories.  I would ask them about themselves, where we are failing to help and what they feel they would need to get back on their feet.  I would also interview some staff at homeless shelters and get their views on what they are seeing.  I have to look into how to protect myself legally, standardize a set of questions and make sure I am approaching people in a way that does not make anyone uncomfortable or compromise my safety.  Josh has agreed to help.  I am going to start planning the details.  My purpose is to raise awareness of the problem and hopefully gain some insight on where I can help to create a change.

Sword Form

I chose to do Sifu Beckett's sword form last minute before the I Ho Chaun year started.  I'm pretty uncoordinated to begin with and not all that familiar with using a sword.  I know not to touch the pointy end though so two thumbs up for me.  Needless to say it took me awhile to get the first couple moves.  After learning a few moves and from trying to remember my hand forms and doing a few kicks in the beginners class, my legs were really sore for 3 days.  I couldn't believe how sore I actually was after doing what I thought was so little.  Josh reminded me that I've spent the past couple years sitting at a desk job and then sitting in a classroom or doing homework so I've got some pretty weak legs right now.  It may take me awhile to learn and it may be painful at first but I think this will be good for me.  I'm sure I'll get myself back into some sort of shape soon.  I look forward to learning more.

Year of the Dog

I've been on the team now in some sort of capacity for about 5 years.  The past few years have been an emotional whirlwind.  Health issues, job loss, moving, starting school.  It's been extremely stressful and extremely rewarding all at the same time.  The job losses impacted us tremendously as I had to learn how to live off of not even half of what I was previously making.  We learned a lot about needs vs wants and I've learned the importance of experiences vs stuff.  As stressful as things were and still are, I've learned a lot about myself and about who I am as a person. 

I started back in kung fu yesterday after only being at a couple regular classes over the past few years.  I tend to set my expectations to high and get even more awkward and anxious when I can't meet where I feel I should be.  So I am going to be attending the beginners class for awhile and work on remembering the basics and forms before I go back to my regular class so I don't get overly anxious and give myself a chance to catch up a bit.  I look forward to being back at the kwoon on a more regular basis and Josh will be joining me too.  I'm pretty excited about that since the last time he was in classes, he was a blue belt and I was a white belt.  It will be nice for us to be able to practice together now that I know a bit more than I did.   As much as I am nervous and self conscious about starting over, I am equally as excited for a new start.  I look forward to the year of the dog.

See you at the kwoon!