Well, to be honest, I haven't really been enjoying kung fu for the past month. I don't know if I'm just hitting a temporary wall or if this was the wrong decision for me and I need to look into doing something else. When I joined I Ho Chaun I thought that the commitment was every second Friday and one Saturday a month and then there was a bunch of things you do on your own. I didn't think that it would become a 6 day a week thing or else I never would have commited because I know I can't commit to being in Stony that amount of time. I tried. I showed up every single practice for awhile and it got to be way to much. Other things in my life suffered quite a bit, work was a big one and one I really can't afford to lose right now. I said that I can't make it to Tuesdays and Thursdays anymore but yet am still being asked where I was and..."you're coming next week right?"...Yes, I feel guilty and like crap saying no, but no I can't make it. Being told to suck it up and show up doesn't make my ability to come any different. It's not the kung fu that has been making me not enjoy kung fu...it's the guilt I'm feeling but honestly had I known I would be expected to be there so many times, I would not have joined the I Ho Chaun because I would've known in advance that I'd be dissappointing people. I can be there for my Mon/Wed class, Fridays and Saturdays. I can't make Tuesdays, Thursdays or Sundays. I again, won't be there the Canada Day weekend because my brother is getting married in Lethbridge. We're leaving Friday and coming back Sunday or Monday, I'm pretty sure the Sunday though. (I can bring the invitation to show that I'm just not trying to get out of anything) Also, I will be missing the class July 26th because of tickets Josh got as an early birthday gift.
The things I am enjoying has been getting to know everyone. I'm alot less shy about asking questions about things I don't understand. I am being alot nicer to people and I've started eating way healthier and taking care of myself alot better. If I could just stop letting the guilt eat at me, I'd be much happier. And I'm sorry that I'm dissappointing people.
Lindsay - this is your journey and you need not to feel like you are disappointing anyone. Most of us are struggling with the high requirements and each one of us is in a different stage in life and with different issues arising from it. I hope you can get back you enthusiasm from Kung Fu and find the benefits it gives you while maintaining your own life.
ReplyDeleteLeave the guilt and try to let go of your anger - neither will serve you. You have absolutely no need to feel like you OWE us any more than you are giving us. We are all adults and we are all giving our absolute best for where we are and what we are doing. No one can judge what another is going through as it is not their experience and it never will be. Stay honest to yourself and your path. I am enjoying your honesty and your company on this journey...
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