Hello Out There

It's so hard to post when you are in a negative headspace like I've been. I am starting to feel better though, which is great. The pain I was experiencing is less frequent and I don't feel like I'm constantly walking around in a fog. I'm feeling a lot more like myself, which I'm so grateful for because I thought I was losing my mind.

Now, Kung fu...hmmmm...well, quitting has definitely been on the forefront of my mind but I'm trying to sort out the reasons for that and see if I can fix them. I watch people like Sifu Playter at class and see what he's accomplished and know how hard he's worked to get there and it makes me wonder if I could ever have that much discipline to be that good. I think about my life before Kung fu and the I Ho Chaun and how easy it was. Didn't matter to me if I did pushups and sit-ups or who I spent my time with or what I spent my time doing. Didn't matter if I read a book or watched TV. Didn't matter if I opened a door for someone or if I flipped someone off in traffic or if I ate an apple or a Snickers bar. Now all those things matter to me and it's so much harder to make the right choices. That being said, I do feel better about myself and surround myself with people who expect more out of me. I feel good when I've made the right decisions. I'm more awake after doing pushups and sit-ups in the morning. I feel better about living my life instead of wasting away on my couch watching re runs with a bag of Doritos. For some reason I feel it should be easier to do the right thing since it is positive, so why do I struggle so much with it?

Now classes. My brain seems to turn off when learning techniques, forms or combinations. I have a 2 things at once limit. Typically I can learn things fairly quickly, but when it comes to anything requiring coordination, my brain decides it doesn't want to work anymore. If I'm learning something new, like a form I have to learn one or two parts and repeat them over and over before I can add to it. If I learn more than that, I'm lost and won't remember anything I was taught. I've left class several times feeling frustrated and forgetting everything I learned as soon as I've walked out the door. I know that people are able to retain much more than I can, so I'm going to try to be patient and learn at my own pace and try not to feel so stupid about it. I know that when I'm not enjoying a class it's because I'm frustrated with myself and comparing myself to others, which is a habit I need to break and start just having fun again.

When I was told at white belt that kung fu meant hard work, I didn't expect the mental side of it. Life's full of surprises.

I hope this blog made sense. See you on the mats!

The Domino Effect

First it starts with not feeling well and missing classes, then you feel ok but think, what's the point in going, I've missed so much anyway. Then you stop practicing kung fu. Then you stop doing pushups and situps, then finally all heck breaks loose and you're eating like crap and don't really feel like being nice to anyone. Then...your goal...quit completely. I mean, what's the point right, might as well start over somewhere else where they don't know me...a fresh start when I feel better? Wouldn't that be so much easier? Yes, but I'm not sure I've been known to do things the easy way. Here I go again, back to square one.