Hello Out There

It's so hard to post when you are in a negative headspace like I've been. I am starting to feel better though, which is great. The pain I was experiencing is less frequent and I don't feel like I'm constantly walking around in a fog. I'm feeling a lot more like myself, which I'm so grateful for because I thought I was losing my mind.

Now, Kung fu...hmmmm...well, quitting has definitely been on the forefront of my mind but I'm trying to sort out the reasons for that and see if I can fix them. I watch people like Sifu Playter at class and see what he's accomplished and know how hard he's worked to get there and it makes me wonder if I could ever have that much discipline to be that good. I think about my life before Kung fu and the I Ho Chaun and how easy it was. Didn't matter to me if I did pushups and sit-ups or who I spent my time with or what I spent my time doing. Didn't matter if I read a book or watched TV. Didn't matter if I opened a door for someone or if I flipped someone off in traffic or if I ate an apple or a Snickers bar. Now all those things matter to me and it's so much harder to make the right choices. That being said, I do feel better about myself and surround myself with people who expect more out of me. I feel good when I've made the right decisions. I'm more awake after doing pushups and sit-ups in the morning. I feel better about living my life instead of wasting away on my couch watching re runs with a bag of Doritos. For some reason I feel it should be easier to do the right thing since it is positive, so why do I struggle so much with it?

Now classes. My brain seems to turn off when learning techniques, forms or combinations. I have a 2 things at once limit. Typically I can learn things fairly quickly, but when it comes to anything requiring coordination, my brain decides it doesn't want to work anymore. If I'm learning something new, like a form I have to learn one or two parts and repeat them over and over before I can add to it. If I learn more than that, I'm lost and won't remember anything I was taught. I've left class several times feeling frustrated and forgetting everything I learned as soon as I've walked out the door. I know that people are able to retain much more than I can, so I'm going to try to be patient and learn at my own pace and try not to feel so stupid about it. I know that when I'm not enjoying a class it's because I'm frustrated with myself and comparing myself to others, which is a habit I need to break and start just having fun again.

When I was told at white belt that kung fu meant hard work, I didn't expect the mental side of it. Life's full of surprises.

I hope this blog made sense. See you on the mats!