Hmmm...

I was reading some team member blogs and it was strange because it was like they were in my head. The first one was Mr. Smid's. I too am wondering if I should be on next years team. I'm struggling with making it to classes and with motivating myself at home. I also heard we were doing dragon dance this year, which made the butterflies in my stomach want to jump through my throat. I'm no good at dragon dance!!! I recognize how much I have changed over the past couple years but still have huge doubts about taking on a 3rd year. I know how disappointing it can be to have team members not be reliable for things when as a team you're working so hard to reach a goal. I felt the impact of that when trying to have enough people for a double dragon dance when I was on the dragon team a couple years ago, and never having enough people show up. It was really disappointing and I never got better because we were always starting from scratch, so I hate being an unreliable team member myself. Which I am. Plus the hatred and unrelenting fear of public demos. I know I've been told I don't have to do one, but there's still that feeling of having a giant, blazing "L" on my forehead.

The second blog was Sifu Kichko's. You can read her blog and pretend I wrote it. Plus, I am a loner by nature and don't like being around large groups of people. Nor do I go out of my way to meet people so I find when I actually meet someone I have something in common with I'm so excited to share my thoughts, I don't listen as I should and interrupt alot. I need to stop doing that. There are so many things I could learn if I could just keep my mouth closed.

I do recognize that there are good things happening too by being part of the I Ho Chaun. I remember sharing the first year how I could never stop my brain and live in the moment. Well, it's starting to happen now. With alot of practice, I have been noticing how beautiful the world truly can be around me when I take a moment to breath. I believe if I keep training my brain, my life will become alot more peaceful. It's still a struggle, but such a wonderful thing when I can notice how gorgeous the glittery snow on the trees can be rather than focusing on whether or not I'm going to be late for work. My practice is starting to pay off.

Well, those are my random thoughts on a Friday lunch break. See you at the kwoon.