Happy Thursday!

I have a very eclectic music collection but Xavier Rudd is my all time favourite musician so this won't be the last time I share his music with you.  Have a great day!

Brain vs Body

I was really sad to have missed the banquet last night. I've gone for the past 5 years and always find it so motivational. I always love the blackbelt ceremony and feel so happy for the people who worked so hard to finally earn it. Congratulations Sifu Tymchuck and Sifu Becket!!!

The past year has been a real struggle for me. I've missed work, occasions with family and friends and a lot of kung fu. Patiently waiting for doctors appointments have been beyond frustrating and trying to stay positive becomes darn near impossible some days. I miss out on things a lot. My new family doctor is pretty sure I have IBS which has some pretty embarrassing and unpredictable symptoms. I'll know more for sure when I have my specialist appointment. I turn red talking about it, in fact I'm pretty embarrassed just typing this. Things like stress, anxiety and diet can make the symptoms worse, and me being a naturally high anxiety person can make it pretty bad. I've been told I can be put on a mild anti depressant which has been proven to numb the pain in the abdomen but I'm determined not to rely on such a thing. I've basically been super conscious of what I'm eating to eliminate trigger foods and trying to reduce stress. Problem is, this causes stress, so it's kind of like a never ending circle of suck. I've been lying to people to get out of dinners with them because I don't really feel like explaining why there's barely anything on my plate and it bothers me a lot because I'm not a liar. I guess as I figure this out things will get easier, but for right now I spend a lot of nights in tears because I just want to feel better. The only reason I'm writing this blog is so now you know that when I'm not in class, it's definitely not because I've got something better to do and when you ask how I'm feeling and I seem like I'm blowing you off, I'm not, I'm just not wanting to lie to you because I'd really rather not talk about it because it's embarrassing. Now you know, if you didn't before, even if you didn't want to know, you do.

Anyway, enough of that. Still thinking if I actually want to publish this. Lets talk about something else.

I started something called Organic Box. I have a huge dislike for most vegetables and figured this would be a good way for me to try more of them and learn more about what kinds of different vegetables there are and how to cook them. So far I've received one order. The food looks a lot duller and less shiny than it does in a grocery store without all the chemicals but it's way more delicious. Plus, this has been forcing me to try to cook different things because I've spent my food budget so I'd better eat what's in my fridge. I made baked potatoes the other day with a bit of cheese, garlic and broccoli and it was delicious. Yep, I actually ate something with broccoli and enjoyed it. Plus the company focuses on local farmers which I love that my money is going to go back into the community and they support ethical treatment of animals. I find it a bit pricey. It's more farmers market prices than grocery store prices but I'm thinking it will balance out because I'm not walking down Superstore's aisles hungry after work adding a whole bunch of stuff I don't need in my cart. Josh also really seems to be enjoying having farm fresh milk and eggs in the house. He seems to like it too which is a win.

Anyway, I'm hoping the year of the sheep goes a lot better than the year of the horse did. I am a sheep, so it better!

See you at the kwoon.

I'm OK With Failing and Getting Up and Failing Again

I had so many goals this year and I didn't achieve any of them. It was really disheartening for me. I really, really wanted to learn lion dance this year so I could learn to drum, I wanted to be able to do 30 real pushups in a row, I wanted to become more comfortable with sparring and had so, so many other things to achieve. At first all I felt was frustration and guilt. Frustration because I wasn't able to achieve the things I wanted to do, and guilt because I wasn't doing the things I said I would. Usually I'm one of the most reliable people I know, and this year that all changed not only with my kung fu but with everything else too.

I had to try to work on letting the guilt go. It was eating at me. There was nothing I could do about my situation, so I tried to be productive in other ways. I've read a lot about meditation, I learned a lot about foods, I've changed times that I do things to avoid situations that anger me. I've learned to deal with anger a lot better than I used to. Don't get me wrong, things still really tick me off, but I'm learning to control how I react.
I've learned to be more empathetic, I'm learning to shut my mouth and listen, I've learned I need more experiences than things. I've learned to live in the moment, and although I can't do it all the time, I sure love it when I do. I've learned I'm not a quitter and I learned I'm mentally stronger than I thought.

I am also so grateful that I met a few people through kung fu this year that I can have really honest conversations with and for the people who have been compassionately honest with me. I have a lot of respect for you.

So, while this year was a total bust for me for a lot of my I Ho Chaun goals, I got a lot out of it I wasn't expecting. My favourite thing was probably the photo Sifu Lindstrom got of me throwing Sihing Tymchuk during my one and probably my only ever demo appearance. By the way Sifu, you still have to send me that photo!!!

To Run or Not to Run? That is the question...

I've been thinking about giving running a try. I hate it to be honest, but I'm not sure I gave it a fair chance. I'm considering this spring to show up to the kwoon early to my class and do 12 laps around the building twice a week. I'm really apprehensive about it, because my cardio is horrible, it's going to be embarrassing. I have to sort out a couple things first but my goal to start this is the end of March. If any runners want to give me advice, all would be appreciated.

I'm also going to start going back to my regular classes when I can attend. It's really difficult that they're late, but I feel like it's for the best. It's going to suck getting up in the morning because I start work at 6:30am and I can't seem to settle myself down quick enough after a class to get a decent amount of sleep but if I push through and work hard to get my blue belt, all will be good. I got some tea that's supposed to help you sleep so hopefully that works.

I think the biggest thing I've learned from the I Ho Chaun is to be honest with myself and balance. I can't do everything, but I can't do nothing either. I have to try my best and push a little past that every day. I have to stop being so hard on myself and focus on what I am doing, and slowly add what I am missing. I've got to get back to posting online. I think it was a bad idea for me to post on kwoontalk right now so I'm going to start doing it again on the I Ho Chaun group. I find if I don't post, I don't log and then I slowly stop doing things all together.

Man, my blogs sure are random. It would be so much easier to just write "ditto" on someone else's blog than to try to streamline my thought patterns.

Well, toodles for now...Did I seriously just say toodles?