I hate how my anxiousness affects my kung fu. My nerves kick into high gear during classes. Kung fu is something I'm not naturally good at. My body doesn't like cooperating with what my mind tells it to do. I always feel bad for my instructors as I ask them to repeat the exact same thing 50 times and I still don't get it. I always wish I could catch on faster, then I make myself even more anxious and then my brain shuts down further and I can't absorb anything. I also struggle just being in the IHC class because there's so many people around and I always feel on edge. I have a hard time with letting Sifu's see my forms even one on one, and it makes it difficult to get the proper correction I need to improve, when I can't even perform in front of anyone without feeling beyond awkward. It looks like I'm not even trying or practicing, but I am. I'm working on calming myself and receiving instruction from Sifu Brinker to learn Kempo 2 and to learn my sword form from Sifu Beckett. It may take me a really long time to learn, but hopefully I improve myself even if it's a tiny bit each time. Maybe one day I won't feel like a turtle on it's back. Don't get me wrong, I'm not beating myself up, there's plenty of things I'm good at. This is just something I know I have to work on.
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