First Week Done

I always had a hard time when trying to do a form in class. I tried to keep up with the class speed and get all flustered watching everyone else. Turns out, I still do, but it doesn’t bother me anymore. I don’t let it stress me out. I just try to stop watching, collect myself and continue. If I mess up, I mess up, pick a thing to practice and move on. 

Hi Again!

Right before Covid started I had participated in a kung fu class again as a white belt.  I had to talk myself up to that class so when the world shut down shortly after it was easy to be like "Well, I tried".  The call of the kwoon keeps beckoning me back though and I had a meeting with Sifu Brinker. I'll be starting again on Monday.  It's hard to return.  I'm out of shape.  I can't remember stuff, etc, etc, but I don't want to look back in my life and say I didn't even try.  So here's to new beginnings!

Hiatus

I had to leave kung fu for awhile to figure things out for myself.  I sunk into a depression I couldn't get out of.  After my brother committed suicide it forced me to think about myself and the things I've been ignoring and not accepting of myself.  I needed to figure out and fix these things out on my own without anyone else's influence.  It scared me that I didn't really care anymore if I was alive because I wasn't living anyway.  I needed that to change.

The depression got bad.  I wasn't leaving the couch and calling in sick to work.  I started seeing a councillor which was really hard to do at first but it has been helpful as I have a lot in my mind to unload.  I tend to bottle everything up and not deal with things properly which has led me to being where I am.

I also have been still trying to control my panic attacks.  I find myself avoiding situations that cause me anxiety, but is that really living? Nope.  So I'm dealing with that slowly.  It was really stressful for me to be in the crowded kwoon during the I Ho Chaun classes.  I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous but I need my space to breathe.  My goal is to come back to a regular class once a week starting in the spring.  I seem to join the team every year and then slowly disappear.  I need to learn consistency and to handle my anxious mind.  Starting kung fu again slowly and maintaining once a week first, and going up from there.  Eventually I will join the I Ho Chaun again, when I'm able to be more consistent and not such a disappointment to the team.  I'm not happy that I become unreliable.

One of the things that I'm learning to accept is the fact I won't be a mom.  This is something I wanted as long as I remember.  I get asked all the time if I have kids and when I say I don't, I get the whole speech about how it's not too late and so and so is pregnant and they're in their 50s and blah blah blah.  Some women can't have kids or won't for many reasons and although I'm sure these people mean well, I wish they'd shut up.  I'm always jealous watching new moms with their babies.  Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, it will just never be me.  This is something that bothered me more than I realized.  We are now starting to discuss possibly in a few years fostering.  We need to get out of debt and get a bit of a bigger place, but why not consider giving a child who needs one, a home.

I am very introverted.  People are always very surprised that I am also very shy.  I very much prefer to be alone with a book, a cat, and my coffee.  The amount I was isolating myself wasn't healthy though.  I have been trying to get involved in more volunteer groups.  That way I'm around people but busy doing things and not feel uncomfortable and having to engage in awkward conversation.

I have a lot of self improvement to do and I realize many of my blogs make me sound crazy, but this is me.  In spite of all my madness, I have a big heart.  All I can do is keep trying to fix the rest of me. I still keep in contact with Sifu Brinker.  I appreciate the time he gives me as he has a knack for making me feel a bit more normal and feel better about how I think about life.  It keeps me connected to the kwoon.  I also really enjoy Sifu Stoddart's blogs.  I don't know her very well, but for some reason feel a connection with her.  I really admire  the way she lives her life in spite of what she's been through.
I admire the strength of many of you, and appreciate the amount of support a few of you have given me over the years.  Keep blogging.

See you at the kwoon!

Why I Disappear

This blog is going to be an embarrassing one to write and I can feel myself going red as I write it as I don't like this part of myself.  I've been battling panic attacks and depression for the past few months which is why you haven't seen me.  It is unusual for me to get this bad this time of year, typically it's winter time that I deal with this and usually it doesn't last this long.  With the help of a doctor, I am starting to feel better.  I'm introverted by nature so I already find it tiring to be around people sometimes, and the past few months I felt it impossible and even called into work "sick" a few times because I couldn't deal with anything at all.  No matter how hard and how many times I'd try to change my brain pattern into thinking about everything I was grateful for or think about positive things, it didn't help.  To be honest, after the past couple years of being unreliable I would just like to never show up to SRKF again.  I'm embarrassed.  But, I will, and all I can say is I'm sorry and I'm working on it.  One day I'll get a grasp on my defective brain.

See you at the kwoon.

Roller Coaster of a Week

This week was a roller coaster.  A reasonably good week topped off with really bad news that threw us for a loop.  I'm going to focus on the good.

I was having a hard time finding a homeless shelter that had volunteer opportunities that worked with my current schedule.  In my search, the Youth Empowerment Support Service (YESS) volunteer coordinator contacted me and asked if I'd be willing to be put on their event list so that when they need people they could contact me.  I agreed and volunteered for the YESS Gala on Friday night.  It was a swanky event to raise money for them, and I assisted with the silent auction.  They had an Alice in Wonderland theme, with a performance from the Alberta Ballet and actors doing small performances throughout the night.  It was super fancy and the auction items were amazing.  One guy won a raffle that included 100 bottles of  wine (I tried to befriend him with no luck).  I had a great time.  I find that in social situations I feel very uncomfortable with lots of people around me, but this was different.  I had something to do, a purpose, and I felt quite comfortable chatting with people I just met.  I feel like volunteering is a good fit for me, and I look forward to future events.

See you at the kwoon!

Trying to Relax

I hate how my anxiousness affects my kung fu.  My nerves kick into high gear during classes.  Kung fu is something I'm not naturally good at.  My body doesn't like cooperating with what my mind tells it to do.  I always feel bad for my instructors as I ask them to repeat the exact same thing 50 times and I still don't get it.  I always wish I could catch on faster, then I make myself even more anxious and then my brain shuts down further and I can't absorb anything.  I also struggle just being in the IHC class because there's so many people around and I always feel on edge.  I have a hard time with letting Sifu's see my forms even one on one, and it makes it difficult to get the proper correction I need to improve, when I can't even perform in front of anyone without feeling beyond awkward.  It looks like I'm not even trying or practicing, but I am.  I'm working on calming myself and receiving instruction from Sifu Brinker to learn Kempo 2 and to learn my sword form from Sifu Beckett.  It may take me a really long time to learn, but hopefully I improve myself even if it's a tiny bit each time.  Maybe one day I won't feel like a turtle on it's back.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not beating myself up, there's plenty of things I'm good at.  This is just something I know I have to work on.

Saturdays and Kindness

I had adjusted my work schedule while I was in school so I had been working Saturdays to have the weekday off I needed to get reading and assignments completed.  It worked really well as no one is in the office on the weekends other than occasionally our cleaning lady and I was able to get things done without being bothered by anything.  I had been calling into the meetings but honestly it was really hard to hear most people and as I was multitasking, I feel like I was missing a lot.  I'm going to be reversing my schedule back to weekends off while I'm not attending classes so I can attend meetings and maybe take in some of these seminars that are being offered.  It's so much better seeing everyone face to face.

After Saturdays meeting Josh called me on my way home to tell me our bearded dragon, Dexter, was acting weird and was really cold.  I knew he was on his last legs as his behaviour was the same as when his sister died the year before.  Sure enough, he passed away later that night.  We took him to a pet cremation place called Atim Creek Pet Crematory.  I know it may seem to people as being a little ridiculous to have a reptile cremated but I'm a huge pet lover regardless of species and felt better having him cremated and spread on the properties garden than having him disposed otherwise.  Anyway, Dave, the gentlemen that's the owner of the company was amazingly kind and I really liked him right away.  We chatted for about an hour.  He asked me if I knew what a RAK was and I smiled and said yes.  I proceeded to tell him about that part of our kung fu training and he told me that I am not to pay him, but to be kind to someone else when the time comes.  It was pretty cool to be on a receiving end of a random act of kindness and it made me want to continue doing more for other people.

See you at the kwoon!