2 Weeks In

Well, it's been a little over 2 weeks now.  How am I doing? 

I had my first I Ho Chaun class on Friday.  I was really nervous and not sure why.  Probably because I didn't know what to expect.  It was actually alot of fun.  I was really happy that some Sifus were so ready and willing to help me.  I wasn't expecting that and it was really appreciated.  I've always loved the rope dart and admired people that knew how to use one.  Now here's the problem.  I tried over and over on Saturday to learn a single thing that I was taught to do and I still can't get it.  Should I keep trying or should I change to an easier weapon?  I love the ropedart but I don't think that a form consisting of me wrapping myself up and hitting myself in the face alot is going to cut it.  At the same time too, this is my first weapon and I knew it would be hard with my lack of coordination to be able to conquer it.  Maybe I should just keep trying and be ok with sucking this year.  I'm not sure what I should do.

I'm struggling with the requirements part too.  I'm only managing 20 pushups and 20 situps per day and am finding it hard.  My shoulders are sore and I have discovered I have an ab because that hurts too.  I'm also forgetting to log everything.  I know I'm doing nice things for people, I just can't seem to remember to write them down.

I'm learning very quickly that it's my mind that's going to cause me to fail and possibly at some point quit kung fu.  I keep comparing myself to people in a bad way.  I'm always hard on myself and feel that I don't pick up on things nearly as fast as I should.  I'm frustrated very frequently.  Realistically though when I look back at myself 3 years ago, I quit smoking and I don't lay around nearly half as much.  I had a job which caused me to throw my body out of wack and have had many problems with my left hip, knee and rib. I'm just fixing that along with my right elbow.  I know that physical things are easy to get better at if you just keep trying, it's my brain that's holding me back.  Learning to drop the ego is easier said than done.  That's my major goal this year.  I have to learn to stop over analyzing everything and just be me, at my pace and stop being so darn negative.  I need to learn to relax, breath, be patient, work hard and don't give up.  Maybe this answers my previous question about the rope dart...Hmmm?

First Time Sparring

We did some very light sparring yesterday in class.  It was my first time doing this.  I found myself getting extremely frustrated.  I didn't know what to do with my arms and legs, they were like useless apendages just hanging there.  I kept dropping my guards even when I kept telling myself not too.  I couldn't block, I couldn't counter.  It's like my brain completely turned off.  Right now as I type this I feel like I never want to spar ever again.  Not because I'm afraid that I'm going to get hurt, but because I have that deer in the headlights feeling that renders me completely useless and I hate that.

Fear of the Unknown

Yay!  I explained to my boss my situation and that I do not want to miss Kung Fu.  I see all the people that started with me getting their blue belts or close to it and wonder, if I hadn't missed so much because of injuries, would I be there?  I don't want to do that again.  He agreed to allow me to temporarily use the work truck.
Now that I've got that sorted out all I have is a sense of fear.  I watch the demos, they were awesome...My stomach turned and I wanted to vomit just with the thought of possibly being up there next year.  I need to fight it.  I absolutely hate being in front of a bunch of people.  It's a completely irrational fear that I can't explain, but it's there, loud and clear, telling me to run as fast as I can away from the Kwoon. 
I need to beat this...
I will never learn ropedart
I will never get a blackbelt
I will never be brave
...Unless I do.

It's Not My Fault!

I'm about the most reliable, unreliable person I know.  Let's use this weekend as an example.  I fully intended on coming out to help set up for the banquet this weekend.  Put the time and date in my phone, on my calendar and on the white board on my fridge. I'm ready!  Friday comes, the front end of my car has been a bit wobly, I hit a pothole and the whole thing starts to shake badly.  I get to the closest mechanics shop and wait 3 hours to find out it's completely undrivable.  My suspension has seized on the left side of my car and is shot on the right.  Let me mention too, that I just got this car a new clutch, new tie rods and new sparkplugs all within the past month.  So fuming and dissappointed, I park it, get a hold of my boss and explain to him that I have a banquet I need to set up for, could I please, please, please borrow a work truck.  He says yes.  Great!  I'm ready!  Get up in the morning to my cat acting really weird.  He was digging in the litter box for over an hour, I go take a look and see what he's doing.  He's climbing in and out, looking like he's trying to go to the bathroom but nothing is coming out.  I call the vet, he tells me to get him in right away because he could have a blockage that would require emergency surgery.  I called Silent River to tell Sifu that I wouldn't make it.  Luckily for my cat, he just needed medication and now a special food, unlucky for me, I have to pay for this.

This is not an isolated event.  It's actually quite normal for me.  I would make quite a comical character in a sitcom.  I have given myself a blackeye with a drill a day before Christmas Eve, dropped my table on my foot and fractured it in the middle of moving, had my car drive itself in the middle of 51st ave with me chasing it (True Story) I could go on and on.

I wish I could be reliable, the universe just won't let me.

I won't be in Kung Fu for awhile, I don't have a vehicle.  I will however, practice my shoulder rolls and forms as much as I can until I return.  Bad luck can only last with one person so long right?  It's gotten so ridiculous all I can do is laugh.

How I Meditate

Ok, so tonight I'm going to calm my mind and get myself in a relaxed state.  Quiet room, check.  All nice and comfy, check.  Oh crap, did I turn off the oven...Ok, lets try this again.  Deep breath in, deep breath out, nice calming breaths...Oh no, totally forgot to call that guy back at work today, I have to do that first thing.  FOCUS!...Breathe...Did I remember to put toothpaste on my grocery list?  SERIOUSLY FOCUS!  Ok, I can't sit still and do this.  Let's try Awakening the Dragon.  Deep breath in, Deep breath out,  wait is it three of these or six of these or two sets of 3 which equals six.  NOT THE POINT! Relax!  Not working, maybe if I lay down.  Try to imagine laying on a nice, warm beach. Again, deep breaths...I think my cat is eating my toilet paper.  SERIOUSLY! How do people do this?!  Sigh...

Shoulder Rolls

Shoulder rolls have always been a nemesis of mine.  I don't roll, I flop awkwardly like a fish on dry land and generally end up with a bruised hip.  Because of this, I generally avoid them at all costs.  Last night in class we were learning a form that requires a backwards one.  I knew this day would come...
Thanks to Sihing Robinson, Sihing Tymchuk and Mr. Hamilton surrounding me after class and trying different suggestions of how to get my legs to cooperate and go in the direction I want them too, I finally did something that resembled more of a roll than a flop.  Now I just need to practice this because I know I can do it...Sorta.

Thanks guys!