Caterpillar Tuxedos

I'm finishing off a final assignment and exam, then I'm on break until January. It really shouldn't take me so much effort to complete my courses but whenever I'm reading such boring material my mind completely wanders off. I think of things like, if I had to make a tuxedo for a caterpillar, where would the shirt end and pants begin? How many leg holes would I need? Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? Could I write a screen play for a horror film using only finger puppets and still have it be scary? My aunt says she wishes she was a fly on the wall of my brain because she finds my thought process fascinating...Um...thanks. I'm just plain weird. I try to keep my weirdness to myself but sometimes it leaks out beyond my control. I'm a huge fan of Shel Silverstein poetry, he makes me feel not so alone. I guess what I'm trying to say is for me to concentrate on one thing takes so much effort. I can only be so self disciplined before I get distracted by something shiny. I had a meeting with Sifu Brinker and joined the rooster team. It's going to be a tough struggle with work, school and the I Ho Chaun, but I'm going to make a better effort to be a better team mate. I have to keep my mind on the right track.

See you at the kwoon!

See You One Day

http://www.obittree.com/obituary/ca/ontario/wasaga-beach/carruthers--davidson-funeral-home---wasaga-beach-chapel/thomas-gibbons/2770522/

The post is my brother's obituary. My family is asking for people to support the Canadian Mental Health Association. I'm hoping one day to be able to find a suitable charity and work with the Benevolent Foundation to help those with mental illness and support for those with suicidal thoughts.

Trying to Understand

I'm not really sure how to start this blog. I wish people were more open minded. If that were the case when someone is going through a difficult situation, maybe they'd feel more comfortable opening up. So many out there pretend they are ok, when they aren't, I've been there and I'm sure many of you have too. So many people don't want to talk for fear of being ridiculed. Then if they do decide to get help, often there is a 8 week waiting list to talk to a professional. There definitely needs to be more compassion in this world.

My youngest brother committed suicide last night...he jumped of the 14 story building where he resided in Ontario.

RIP
Thomas Ronald Gibbons

Update

We're finally settled into our new place. We are very grateful to have been given the opportunity to live in this condo. We step outside and are surrounded by trees, right beside us is Blackmud Creek and we are a very short walk to MacTaggart Sanctuary loop. The air smells amazing here. I hear at minimum 5 different bird songs as I leave my place in the morning and my one cat is obsessed with watching a squirrel that lives right in front of our place. We've named him Peanut.

I start school again very soon. I took a bit of a break due to moving. School's still quite a challenge, I have to work pretty hard, and there's a lot of self discipline required to do the condensed courses and succeed. Plus, work got busy again and I have to still do the same amount of work I was doing as a full time employee in 3 days a week. No wonder I'm mentally exhausted at the end of my days. The goal is to work really hard and be finished school by next summer.

With my hours getting cut and now going to school and Josh finishing school and not yet working in his field, things have been financially stressful the past year. I have to say though, I've learned the difference between need and want and have a different view of how to spend my money going forward. Once I am working full time again, I am going to focus a lot more on experiences rather than things. I look at all the crap I've needlessly accumulated in the past (like, seriously, who needs 30+ shirts?) and realize my favourite memories don't really lie in the stuff I have, but in the stuff I've done. Once work is stable for us, there's going to be a lot more doing things and a lot less buying things. For now though, there won't be much of either...stupid school...

...Still haven't made it to the Monday class...like I said I would...in February...I don't even know what to say about that...

Well, that's my life in a nutshell.

See you at the kwoon!

How Can So Much Awkwardness Fit In Such a Small Body?

I have difficulty juggling more than 3 balls. I try four and I seem to drop one every single time. I kept talking about being able to attend kung fu again and how I wanted to go back, but I never did. The desire was there, but I'd turn into a big ball of anxiousness every time I'd think of getting ready to go. I spent so much time sick and not participating, it just became easy to not participate. Then I started to feel better but school came along and I couldn't juggle work, school a relationship and kung fu. Kung fu had already started disappearing so that seemed to be the thing to neglect. Josh and I were sorting through our stuff and packing our weapons and were both talking about missing it. I thought about what was holding me back and realistically it was just my ego. The fact that I was so far behind and was forgetting the simplest things. I came to realize I needed to just get over it. I had 2 choices. Feel ok being awkward and slow for awhile or regret never going back. I decided for the awkwardness and showed up to last nights I Ho Chaun class. And man, did I ever feel awkward. I'm unable to get low in my stances, I forgot my forms, and what little I did, my legs hurt. I guess I'm just going to have to try to eat my ego and just keep swimming.

See you at the kwoon!

It Can Happen to Anyone

I attend classes at the UofA Extension. There is many homeless and mentally ill people in the area. So many that a majority of the staff that work in the different stores have become numb to the unusual, and sometimes criminal behaviour of the people that frequent this area. I've had some run ins with many of these people. One man followed me and smelled my hair as I stood in a line up. Another put his arm around me and asked if he could live with me. I don't put myself in situations where I could be in danger or feel really uncomfortable so I'll generally as politely as possible put some distance between myself and that person.

I've had some great conversations with some of these people as well. One guy I had met had sat beside me at the lrt station. He looked at me and asked why I haven't walked away. I asked him why he thought I would and he said because everyone does. He proceeded to open up to me and tell me he had been drinking by himself for 3 days, he lost his job and as a result lost everything. He was trying to find his sister's place to stay and have a good night's sleep. I sat quietly and listened to his story, helped him find his stop. As he got off the train, he hugged me and said thank you.

Another man I met on whyte ave last year. His name was Dwayne. He became so depressed when his wife died that he lost everything in his depression and ended up living in the street.

One of my classmates during my last class went to Tim Hortons and an older teen that looked strung out on something, came running out of the washroom yelling for help. By what I've heard, it's a common tactic used to lure people into the bathroom there and rob them, so the staff and patrons payed no attention. My classmate who is experienced in working with people with addiction recognized the genuine fear in his eyes and went to look. It turned out his girlfriend was miscarrying on the washroom floor.

I would never, ever recommend putting yourself in danger. However, I've noticed how many of these people are ignored. If someone needs help, at the very least make a call to someone that can help them, if you are uncomfortable doing anything yourself. I've come to notice that there can be a lot of pain behind addiction. In talking to the homeless people that I have, many of them have been victim to circumstances out of their control. Some of them are mentally ill and don't know how or even that they can find help, some just lost everything from job loss, and some are escaping abusive situations. Sometimes just listening to someone and showing compassion can do a lot for someone.

There is now mental health first aid courses, I think I'll be making it a priority to take it so I can have a better understanding and be better equipped to recognize different mental health issues and how to help.

I Miss You Guys!!!

Hi everyone!

Wow, a lot has changed just over the past few months. This may be a long winded blog, and I apologize for that but I figure I'd give you an update in the life of Lindsay Gibbons.

First off, Josh and I are engaged. Most people aren't all that surprised by this as we've been together almost 7 years. We inherited a beautiful antique ring and I am grateful to be the one that this ring was given to. Just a heads up, we want a lion dance at our wedding, so get practicing! :)

I have finished 2 university courses and am onto my third. Wow! I don't remember ever having to retain so much boring material in my life. Half my course load is done from home, and the other half evenings and alternating weekends. Let me tell you, it's pretty difficult to force myself to read so much legislation and textbook material. It would be great if these lawyers would at least throw in a joke occasionally.

I think I told you before, I started medication for my anxiety problems. I'm not one to take meds and have a hard time even taking pills for a headache, however, I didn't realize up until a couple years ago that my level of anxiety was not normal and that my brain chemistry was "off". The first round of meds worked great, but gave me insomnia to the point I'd go for days without sleeping. The second try, made me a zombie, I couldn't get up and missed work and school, the third try the pills made me super aggressive and irritable. Apparently it's normal to have to try several different things before getting the right thing into your system since everyone reacts differently and unpredictable. So right now, I'm still a guinea pig, my doctor's pretty much my new BFF. I'm back on the first medication since it worked so well and trying to manage the insomnia. I'm also doing cognitive behavioural therapy. These experiences are really difficult to talk about publicly but I am hoping that maybe someone that has had the same issues I have will get help earlier on than I did.
If you are at home, and feel trapped and physically sick by anxiousness and OCD, contact me, I will help you.

Now kung fu...this is where I am sad. I miss you guys, I think about kung fu a lot. Since the end of February when I told the I Ho Chaun team I'd be able to go to Monday morning classes, since I got my car fixed, I've been able to, but I haven't. I've even had my uniform on and ready to go, but just didn't. I don't know why I'm not able to make this step. I don't even practice at home anymore. There's no excuse not to. I could easily bang out some push ups between reading chapters for school, but again, I don't. After being on the sidelines for so long, I'm having a difficult time getting back in the game. I realize the answer is just do it, so why am I not doing it? My only answer I can think of is purely ego. Embarrassment for being so out of shape and forgetting so much? Maybe. Pure laziness? Maybe that too. I have to just show up, days have turned into months and I don't want them to turn into years or even never.

See you at the kwoon!

Happy Easter!

I went to check out Monday morning class. I was nervous so I chose to watch instead of participate. I'll start joining in this week. It'll take me a bit to get the dust off but I'm looking forward to not being a bench warmer anymore. I'm sad to be missing the meeting April 9th, but this is my first weekend class for my second course and my first course ends April 12th. So far I've surprised myself. I don't want to toot my own horn but my average is 95% so far, so I'm going to go ahead and toot the crap out of that. I totally didn't think I could do it and I'm proving myself wrong. I know I'll struggle more with some of the other classes because they are a lot harder, but now at least my confidence level is up to keep going and get my diploma. Right now I have a blue belt and a diploma hanging in front of me like a donkey and a carrot, so even if I'm going pretty slow, at least I'm moving forward and haven't given up.

Happy Easter everyone! See you at the kwoon!

Fighting For Change

One of my personal requirements is to learn how to argue against xenophobia and racism to get my point across without allowing my emotions to take over. I become very emotional when it comes to animal and human rights. This does not help me when trying to sway someone else's opinion on the topic. People respond more to facts when it comes to such sensitive topics. Trying to read and figure out what is true and what is not true is very difficult but one thing is for sure, I am so grateful to have been born in Canada. I can't believe how much I take for granted. The simple fact that I was born here gives me way more opportunity than I ever would have in the majority of the rest of the world. I sit here right now truly grateful.

My first month of university has been interesting. One things for sure. I. am. exhausted. I have registered for my next course and have switched to the weekend courses so at the end of March I have an overlap where I will have a final exam, final written assignment and a pre course assignment and readings but once I get through that mess I will be able to attend Thursday nights.

I'm still struggling to find my routine, but I'll get there. It may not be as obvious to the rest of you, but I've come a long way with some of the mental aspects of kung fu and am pretty proud of myself. Now I just have to get my butt back in shape.

Right now. I am happy.

See you at the kwoon.

What's Happening to the World?

While coming back from school one day, Josh and I were getting on the LRT. We watched about 20 people go to sit down, look at something and move. We looked over and saw a man collapsed on the floor of the train by a seat. We took a look at him, saw he was breathing, tried to talk to him and got no response. We waited to get out of the tunnel so we could call for help. As we were sitting on the seat across from him, we watched about 15-20 more people see him and keep walking. Finally while we were on the phone with transit services another young man stopped to see if this guy was ok. Between him and Josh they got this man's attention and were able to get him sitting up. Transit alerted passengers of a short delay. While 2 people boarded to help this man, I heard several complaints around us about the wait. They were right by us and could see what was going on, so I couldn't understand all the complaining. After everything was said and done, I was so sad. I watched at least 40 people walk around this person without even taking 2 seconds to see if he was alright. It did end up he was extremely intoxicated, but still a person that needed a hand. A PERSON! I also recently read about police services getting phone calls recently from people complaining their tv show was interrupted by an Amber Alert. Are you kidding me?! What is going on with people that we can't even stop for a minute or two to help someone?

Poorly Balanced

Ok, so things haven't gone so great yet. Had my first week at university and oh my goodness, my brain will not retain anything. It's been a very long time since I've been in school and had to do so much reading and book learning. I'm very A.D.D when it comes to reading dry material from a book and trying to concentrate has not been easy. Legislation. Is. Boring. and unless you are a lawyer, can be quite difficult to understand sometimes.

I have extremely little logged so far. I haven't been balancing everything properly. I need to do better in making kung fu a priority. I'm super stressed out about passing my course because it's not cheap, and financing for the rest of my courses rests on me passing. Being audited at work by 2 separate auditors and doing a full time job in 3 days a week doesn't help, but I shouldn't put my training on the back burner either. I need to balance my life better. I finally have my insurance cheque from my car accident and have an inexpensive, old Buick going in for an inspection tomorrow so hopeful that will work out and I will not have any reason to not be in Monday morning class as I will be able to get there. Being in the kwoon regularly at least once a week should help with engagement. I think I may have bit off more than I can chew. Yikes!

Hello Again

First I'd like to say congrats to all the newly promoted black belts! It was awesome sharing the past year with you even though I was not able to be around as much as I liked. I always find the banquet so motivational and am always so happy to see everyone progress.

This will be my fourth year on the I Ho Chaun team. I'm not sure I'll ever not be on the team. My journey has come with some very unexpected results. Following the program I was faced with many of my weaknesses and with that came self realization. I had no idea how many things in my life both physical and mental were related very directly with anxiety disorders. How many opportunities I've missed, how sick I would get, my anger issues, among others. I had tried last year to help myself naturally without the greatest of results, so after many doctor's visits I am now on anti-anxiety medication to help the neurotransmitters in my brain to function correctly. I'm not one who easily takes medication but in my case it's necessary. The fight or flight response in my brain reacted to small situations as if I were under attack by an army of polar bears. I've been on the medication about a month and a half and feel much better. I had really bad insomnia at first but that seems to be levelling off. I'm definitely not yet ready to perform or do a demo in front of anybody yet but the possibility of doing it feels a bit more attainable. I don't expect to find the magical cure overnight.

This year I will be challenged to reach an achievable balance between university courses, work and being on the team. I'm going to try to do my best to be more open with what I'm doing as I will be away for some time but yet want to still stay engaged with my training. I'm going to try to stay consistent. I will be away Thursday nights until April due to some courses but after that I should be able to arrange my schedule to different days of the week. Getting back into some regular classes will help too. It's been over a year since I've been able to do that, I'm going to be really rusty come Monday morning. Eep!

Thanks to everyone who has come to talk to me over the past year as I've spend my time as a bench warmer. It's been appreciated more than you know.

See you at the kwoon!

Half A Step In

As the time for me to meet the program coordinator for the U of A came closer, panic set in. I've been out of school so long, am I going to be able to do this. I mean, my grammar is terrible and I don't remember math and basic chemistry. I paced back and forth, my heart racing wondering if I should even bother going. After 4 hours of pacing I figured, what did it hurt, I wasn't registering for anything yet just by going to this appointment. So, after getting off the lrt a stop early with the intention of turning around to go home and getting lost into what I felt was a giant cornfield maze, I stumbled forward and made it to my appointment. I got the course times, got the prices, got the register info and got a copy of the syllabus for the first course I'd be taking. Low and behold, what do I see? A graded class P.R.E.S.E.N.T.A.T.I.O.N...I could feel my heart jump through my throat. Oh. Heck. No! Better yet, it was scheduled for my birthday. Well, sadly, I chickened out and didn't register for the course. Dissappointed in myself I found the next class I can take which starts February 23rd. I'm going to force myself to go back and just do it. No chickening out this time. Regardless how terrifying this is for me.

This will work with my kung fu schedule as well. My initial class would be Tuesday and Thursday evenings, but only until March. 31st, after that, my courses would mostly be on Saturdays and Sundays or online at my own pace. Which means I'd be available for Monday morning classes and Thursday evening I Ho Chaun classes.

I hope I can do all this.

Here We Go...

The last year and a half haven't been much fun. I was getting tested for cancer, in and out of hospitals with crazy stomach pains, diagnosed with anxiety and depression, laid off twice once right before Christmas and 10 days ago got t-boned, ended up with whiplash and still don't have a vehicle. So what to do? Curl up under a rock and hide? I'm not going to lie, I wanted to and did in fact spend months and months not venturing out into the world unless I absolutely had to. I realize I can't live life like this and am working really hard inside my head to change things.

So here's what I've done so far;

I joined the monkey team. Even though I haven't really been to kung fu, I still need the team to ground me. Even showing up when I can to watch class or take part of the meetings helps. I like you people and you can't get rid of me.

I am also going to university...EEP!!!! I am so scared about this...like I want to vomit on my shoes scared... I've been out of school since 1997. Since I got layed off and am now only working part time, I have the option of going to the U of A part to full time and the classes work around my work schedule and I already got the funding. I just need the bravery.

Now, how on earth am I going to make this work? Seriously? How?...not rhetorical...any advice would help. Work, school, I Ho Chaun...Am I mental? Well, I guess my previous blogs answer that one but for the first time I'm jumping in with both feet without months of preparation. I'm a planner, not a doer, other people do and I live vicariously through them. Heck, I don't even know if I'll be able to pay the bills...seriously...I may have to move in with one of you. I hope you like cats. And, skateboarding from Edmonton to Stony Plain may be my only option to get to a class. I should probably learn how to skateboard.

Ready or not, here I come.