Who Put This Giant "L" on my Forehead?

I'm past my blog date. To be honest I had nothing nice to say so I didn't say anything at all. Thought I'd snap out of it by now. I feel like the biggest loser ever right now. I'm still in the advanced class when I'm able to attend classes because of scheduling. I struggle to keep up but that was expected being an orange belt among blue and brown belts, so that's ok. I didn't attend my classes this week and I have no excuse other than I didn't want to go, I didn't want to do kung fu anymore.

I went to my Fridays I Ho Chaun class because I said I would and I try to always keep my word. I was put in the demo and even though it was for a few seconds, the thought of it terrified me. Every fibre of my being told me not to show up on Saturday, but I did, I forced myself too. As the demo grew closer my heart started to pound so loud it's the only thing I could hear. My body got really hot and my legs started to shake. I thought for sure that I would fall on my own arse as soon as I attempted a 'kick' to Sihing Tymchuks head. I didn't fall, I survived, I guess people cheered but I didn't hear much over the drumming of my own heart. I'm not sure my heart can handle that again, but at the same time, I remember being so inspired by the tiny chicks taking down the big guys while watching demos before I started kung fu. Could I possible, eventually inspire someone else? I wish I wasn't so darn afraid. I'm getting jealous of how awesome you all are, but too afraid to be awesome myself.

I'm still showing up to San Sao class. Every bit of it is challenging for me. I have the coordination of a baby giraffe trying to stand up for the first time, ok, actually, they're more coordinated than I am. It's all the little things that are hard too that I'm sure the other students don't even think of anymore, like the blocks hurt. It's not even that hard, but I still end up going home with bruises all over me. I suppose I have to toughen up for a real life situation though, afterall it is a sparring class, I just wish everything wasn't as much of a challenge as it is and I didn't get so frustrated with myself all the time.

So this is how my kung fu is going, I'm still around, barely, but still here. The only reason I keep showing up right now is because I really like the people on my team. I'm still hoping to get through this rough patch. I recognize how much the I Ho Chaun changed me for the better last year, so I know I should stick with it, even though I don't want to at this moment. I just wish there was at least one thing I was good at...