It's Been Awhile

Well, it's been awhile. Awhile since I've blogged and awhile since I've been to class. Without complaining or making excuses, I'll simply say, things have not been easy. It's taken me awhile to accept that I am mentally ill...and especially had a hard time seeing everyone after publishing my last blog. Apparently I've been "mentally ill" for longer than I thought. Things I've been experiencing my entire life I thought were just normal. Apparently not so much. I always knew I was an anxious person and knew I had a mild case of OCD, but the rest of it I didn't know. I do have anxiety disorders worse than I thought and the whole depression thing, I haven't been able to cope with dealing with it very well. Hiding it, easy, most people, even the ones closest to me have no idea. Wake up, slap a grin on your face, walk out the door or fake sick and don't leave your house at all. Dealing with it in a real way isn't so easy. I was supposed to go to therapy but didn't go, I totally didn't want anything to do with it. Talking about it is difficult, people think that people with depression just aren't grateful, not true. I promise you that isn't true, I am extremely grateful. Also, being real about my issues makes me feel like that negative person. I'm not that either. I also learned that I'm not an angry person, it's a reaction to the anxiety. Control the anxiety, control the anger. It's a vicious circle not many people wish to discuss because they just wish it would go away. Sigh...Well, I'm going to have to get used to talking about it if I'm going to get the help I need. Maybe I'll attempt therapy again, I'm just not ready yet.

I still think about kung fu even though I altogether stopped practicing. I haven't been to a regular class for over a year, been months since an I Ho Chaun class. I will come back eventually, however it definitely becomes easier not to when you've been away for so long. I joined the Monkey team, so I can't completely disappear.

I will mention, I haven't yet drowned my sorrows in bacon. It's been over a year now since I've eaten meat...hmmmm...maybe it's my lack of bacon making me depressed...something to ponder. :) Just kidding, it's actually easy now and I like it a lot. Most people haven't got used to not getting me the Keg giftcards for special occassions yet, but I'm pretty sure Josh likes it, since he ends up getting to spend them while I sit there being THAT girl on a date that just orders a salad, assuring everyone that I do in fact actually eat. I even eat broccoli now. I HATED broccoli, but darn it if it isn't delicious roasted with olive oil, garlic and lemon juice. Mmmmmm...broccoli. Ok, seriously, I need to go make some broccoli.

Anyway, that's it for now.
See you at the kwoon.

Your Own True Self

I've failed to accept myself as I am for a very long time now. Doctors have suggested to me a few times, along with people who know me that I suffer from anxiety and depression. The anxiety part is difficult to hide and slightly easier to talk about, the depression part not so much. You don't want to tell people how hard you struggle to get out of bed. That you don't care if a semi were to run you over on your way home from work. You don't want people to know, because you don't want to feel that way yourself. In my mind I am very aware of all the things I should be grateful for. I am very aware of how beautiful mother nature is and all the great people I have in my life, however, my brain doesn't allow me to enjoy it for very long. 95% of the physical ailments I have been experiencing are caused by these mental ailments. It's a pretty vicious circle. The more my brain glitches the worse my stomach and muscles hurt, the more I don't leave my home, the more I lie about what's wrong, the more I lie to people and say I'm fine, the more I don't participate in regular activities, the more I sit on the bench. It definitely is like waking up from one nightmare to another. I also know other people think of me as a negative person that just complains all the time. I assure you, I don't want this, nor do I want to be perceived that way. It's so easy to drown yourself in drugs and alcohol so you don't feel anything anymore and I know why people do that. I haven't really been to any of my regular classes in over a year, I'm anxious about coming back. Right now I'm available to attend Mondays, but I still haven't gone in favor of my bed and a book. I've preferred to be alone. Realizing how close I actually am to becoming the dreaded cat lady, I've agreed to allow my doctor to book me for therapy. I wish I wasn't embarrassed to talk about it. Stomach hurts, head hurts, throat hurts...accepted...You say you're brain is malfunctioning and people avoid you like you have the plague.

Juggling

I found a new job. So now I'll be working 2 jobs. I'm lucky and grateful that the both are willing to share me with each other. Not many companies are willing to do that. This is good in a way. I was getting pretty overly content with the position I'm in. I have a routine and that routine, although comfortable, isn't very challenging anymore. Now I'll be doing something different with different people and on my feet all day, which will be great for the kilometres. I will still have the same amount of work at my first job, just now I'll have to get it all done in 2 days. I'm a bit nervous I'm over extending myself, but we'll see. I will have to just make sure that I balance everything the best I can to make sure work, my personal life and Kung Fu all meld together and nothing takes a back seat. The next while will be a struggle as I figure out my new responsibilities and routine, but I think I'm up for the challenge. Things are about to get a bit crazy. Wish me luck!

5 km... Oh Dear...

I'm always pretty embarrassed at how bad my cardio is. I've never been someone who ever had a desire to run. However, I guess it's the best way to develop endurance. There's a few races in Edmonton that actually seem like fun and I'd actually like to try them. Next summer I'd like to run Color Me Rad and then do the Zombie Run in the fall. Today I downloaded the free Couch to 5km app and went for a jog/run. I'm not going to lie, I felt like crap. I know my posture must've been wrong because my shins and calves hurt, so I have to get some advice on that, and I felt really weak afterward. The app is an eight week program so I'm going to keep going with it as I'm sure it will get way better. Why else would so many people do it.

Stressed, Blessed and a Little Depressed Part 2

We all have these weeks I'm sure. You wake up and water from your toilet spurts all over the floor, clean it up to find out you have no water, the air pressure was what caused the water to go everywhere. Show up to work late and un-showered to find out you no longer work full time. Have 3 panic attacks, catch pink eye from someone and your car breaks down and gets towed to a shop. Here is why I'm stressed.

However, I managed to talk myself out of my panic attacks. I thought of all the things I'm grateful for, breathed, grounded myself and slowly I calmed myself from the point of almost blacking out just by being mindful of all the things I had to be thankful for. Yay me! I also realized how many fantastic people I have in my life that are willing to support me and lend a hand. I recognize as well how this could be an opportunity for me. I get stuck in a rut and don't do anything about it until the universe shoves me and says for me to get my arse out there and make a change. Clearly I'm being shoved. Maybe this will give me a chance to do something different I would've never had the courage to do before. I'm obviously going to be stressed, I'm obviously going to have anxiety and it will get worse probably before it gets better but I'll get through it. Even with things going wrong, I have so much to be thankful for and recognize how many people have it so much worse than I do. Here is why I'm blessed.

I'm thankful I have my second family at the kwoon to go to so I can be around such positive energy. It sure helps lift my spirits to be around everyone. Thanks Sifu Regier for allowing me to drain your phone battery so I could "attend" the meeting. :)

Stressed, Blessed and a Little Depressed

For someone with anxiety issues, stability is a very important thing. When something interrupts routine, the anxiety starts making them do things they don't want to do. Having my hours cut at work and trying to figure things out is definitely making my brain glitch. I start to act obsessively way more out of control than usual. I cannot relax until my place is spotless, I'll check my oven 5 times before I'm convinced I turned it off. It becomes harder to manage than usual, and the stomach issues flare up like crazy. For those that don't have anxiety, imagine that feeling you get on one of those rides that drop 100 feet when you first start to drop...amplify that feeling by 10 or think of the feeling the last time you got really bad news. Now imagine feeling like that constantly over what should be a stupid little thing for a "normal" person. There can be no rhyme or reason that results in a panic attack. Logically, I know it doesn't make sense, still happens anyway, and the more you fight it, the worse it gets. You get stuck with a brain that you're constantly battling everyday, just to calm down and to be able to relax. The reason I'm bringing this up is because, again, someone suggested to me I teach first aid. Teaching, being in front of people, dear god no. My heart is racing and I want to puke thinking about it. However, I'm actually thinking about it this time regardless of the quivering hands and feeling like fainting. I mean, I guess, what's the worse that can happen? I vomit on someone and never see them again. I'll be in a small group, no crowd and even if I never actually teach, it's a step right? Oh dear...

See you at the kwoon.

Crossroads

We all have those times in our lives when we hit a crossroad. What way to we go? Recent cutbacks at work has put me in a position of uncertainty. I'm the type of person who needs security. I don't do very well without it. Right now with my hours slashed and without a full time paycheque I'm in a position of panic, firing on all cylinders, planning my next move. I don't want to get stuck in a position I hate at a company just to get payed, but I do have to pay my bills, I do enjoy eating. It's been suggested to me several times now to start my own consulting company to help small businesses get their safety programs started. The thought of it makes me anxious. I know nothing about starting a business, and where would I get the money to start it to begin with. At the same time, it is something that is becoming higher in demand, and pushing itself as necessary into residential construction. What do I do? I'm stuck and have no idea where to turn at this point. For now I'll start researching I guess as I pound the pavement with many others who have recently undergone the same fate.

Bored at Work

How I think Dr. Suess would see mastery and mediocrity and quickly write about it if he were bored at work like I am right now.


Like a choose your own adventure book,
so many choices wherever you look.

Should I spend more time in bed?
Or, get up and do pushups and situps instead?

Keep on walking by that man on the street?
Or, stop for a minute to get him something to eat?

Lay on the couch to watch some TV?
Or, go outside running where there's way more to see?

Say, "hey, how are you?" and keep waking by?
Or sit down and mean it when you listen to the reply?

Eat processed food because it is fast?
Or pack a fresh lunch so your arteries last?

Meet a friend for coffee and talk face to face?
Or, send a note on Facebook to quickly touch base?

It's all up to you, whatever you choose.
You make the right choice, you've got nothing to lose.

Struggling

I have to admit, I'm struggling getting back into a training routine. Other than random days where I don't feel well and minor normal aches and pains, I have no reason to not train. Most of you are way busier than I am. I feel so, so much better. I have no reason to not be doing my requirements. I love being at the kwoon and I'm excited to learn new green belt things. So what the hecks my problem? I did it before, I posted everyday with my numbers, I did at least something everyday and I did it while I wasn't feeling good, so why now that I'm so much better am I not doing anything? I seriously need to give myself a good kick in the pants.

Reverence For Life

I've always had a reverence for life, all life. I'm not sure where mankind developed the idea that it's ok to destroy other species without thought. I'm not saying everyone, I'm just saying as a collective, I witness this on a daily basis. It bothers me so much that ego has brought humanity to this point. I am constantly bombarded with horrifying images of sport hunting, poaching, factory farming and irresponsible pet ownership. It saddens me to tears sometimes. There's so much of it, can I even make much of a difference at all? How many people research where their meat or everyday products come from? I know I didn't. Do people realize there's a kinder way to eat meat or buy makeup and everyday cleaners? When we purchase products do we see what's behind the items on the store shelf we're purchasing? I definitely don't want to preach all the gruesome and horrifying facts, I'm not that type of person. However, people do need to be educated. I'm always walking a fine line between what divulge and what to keep to myself. The hard core animal activists just piss people off and that's not my intent. I don't judge anyone on their decisions and often wish I had not started researching certain things. But, I have, and for myself, I need to work on being a responsible human being. I know I'm not perfect, and may be even being a hypocrite and not even know it yet.

I doubt I'll ever be able to change the world, but I remember only a few months ago my coworkers stomping on spiders and me asking them a few times not to. Today I heard from my office, "LINDSAY, you better come quick or I'm gonna squish this ugly spider." So I ran over with my cup and took him to a bush outside. It's a small thing. I wonder if the spider even knows what his fate almost was, but to me, he's a life that is not up to me to decide to take without a second thought just because.

Maybe I'm just being over sensitive and sorry for the rant. It's just something that's been bothering me today more than usual. I do recognize that there are large groups of people fighting this very same thing, and there's many that do care. I'm just not sure it's enough. I just simply ask that you think about what you're buying.

A Good Couple Weeks

Attending classes regularly has been a lot of fun. I'm excited to learn my new forms and the rest of the green belt curriculum. Seems like I'm the only one who doesn't know Kempo 2 yet, even most of the orange belts know it. I sure missed out on a lot. I'm going to have to catch up. I think I can do it.

We had the Farmer's Day parade yesterday. It's always different seeing everyone outside the kwoon and getting to know everyone on a different level. I got to learn a bit more of Lao Gar from Sihing Chervenka in the field while we were waiting. I'm struggling with this form, but that's to be expected when you're doing a form that's meant for a higher level with stances you've never done. The left footed thrust kick seems to be messing me up the most. I've never been able to learn forms quickly. I can only grasp 2 or 3 things at most, anymore than that and you've lost me.

I also got to drum a bit. That was a fun and intimidating surprise, there were people around, that could hear me...sorry about your ears. :) I guess if you're a drummer, you have to get used to other people listening to you mess up and be able to continue. I really want to drum, it's my favourite part of lion dance, so obviously I have to learn lion dancing so I'll be able to empathize with what's going on with the lion and drum accordingly. I did some lion dance last year but haven't done any this year so far, I have to start doing that again to get caught up.

All in all it was a good day with good people. All things kung fu are going a lot better and I'm pretty happy about that.

So Good!

This is the first time in about 2 years I've been genuinely been able to say I feel GREAT! Absolutely nothing hurts! Woohoo! I'm so ready to do so many activities, however, I've been warned to take it easy for the next couple months while everything lines up and heals in my body correctly. Between diet and chiropractor I've been able to get myself so much better without continued use of prescribed medication. Sure, I'll still have bad days but who cares, I'll now have amazing ones too. I'm sure you guys are tired of hearing about this but it's been quite the struggle for me and I haven't had much else to talk about. I hope I haven't whined too much. Sorry if I did.

Now, I just have to work on getting back on a routine like I had the first year I started I Ho Chaun and attend classes regularly. It's tough to do that when everyone who started kung fu after you is a belt or two ahead and the belt levels behind you are in better shape than you are. There's always that feeling of frustration and intimidation and embarrassment, whether you like it or not. I've just got to keep in mind, I'm me, it's my kung fu and there's always going to be times I'll be sick or injured and be behind, but as long as I'm mentally strong enough to keep going, I'll still be ahead of the guy that quit or didn't try at all. Moving slowly is still moving.

Pandamonium was a lot of fun, I got a prime location in the shade and got to watch the dunk tank for most of the day. Seemed to be the biggest highlight. I didn't get to watch the Pandamonium game, but I'm sure the kids had fun. It's always a good day to meet people and catch up with other's that aren't in the same class as you.

I really like being on the I Ho Chaun team, even though the past while I haven't been the best participant. I'm pretty sure without it I would've given up a long time ago. You all keep me motivated and I appreciate those who took a moment to check on me.

Toodles!

Fat Armpits

I was taking my parents for dinner on Sunday and trying to find something nice to wear. Going through my wardrobe I was getting rather frustrated. Nothing fit! I walked up to Josh, looked him square in the eye and said, "I got fat armpits." He looked at me with that look that stated I've said something stupid. I know this look, I get it often. He looked at me and said, when you bought these clothes were you doing pushups? No... Well, you don't have fat armpits, you have upper body muscle you didn't have before and thats why everything is tight around your arms and shoulders... Awe yeah, I'm literally she-hulking out of my clothes...all 109lbs of me!

Last week was the first week I made it to all my classes I think in over a year. It was great, even greater getting to work with my old training partner Ms. Tomie. I was able to not get frustrated with myself and had so much fun. I hope I can keep it up.

Opposition

I've been receiving a lot of opposition the past couple years on how I'm deciding to live my life. I'm getting questioned about my diet, my lifestyle, the way I'm voting, how busy I am, etc. At first I was really uncomfortable about this. I felt it was nobody's business but mine. Now I'm starting to realize it's because I'm standing up for what I feel is right and doing things that aren't ordinary and people are noticing. Now, I'm happy to explain myself. Usually by the end of a conversation, if people don't necessarily feel the same way I do, they are able to at least see my point of view.

Waiting For Never

Illness and injury are something I've had to deal with for quite awhile now. I've been waiting to feel consistently better before going back to class, but realized recently, that'll never happen. There will be weeks I'll feel great, then weeks, not so much. The best I'll ever be able to do is manage symptoms by treating anxiety and monitoring my diet. It sucks having anxiety, it triggers my stomach issues much like my diet does. It tells my brain things are a much bigger deal than they are and it makes me want to quit things because I'm not good enough and get unneccessarily frustrated. It's a constant battle. I often think I have way too many issues to stay in kung fu, and maybe I do, but showing up to an I Ho Chaun class and feeling how positive the atmosphere is, reminds me how much I really like having that in my life. It's easier to hide under a blanket and not allow people to see you struggle. It's safe, but is that really living? My aunt recently passed away and I remember how she was when we were younger. She'd run around and play with us when we were kids. Then one day she lost control of her foot and drove into her garage door. It didn't take long before she was in a wheel chair losing control of her body and almost blind. MS did that to her very quickly, yet, no one remembers her ever complaining. She did the best she could with what she had. I will too. RIP Aunty Jeri.

See you at the kwoon.

High Hopes

I seem to be feeling much better and for the last couple weeks my knee has been cooperating. I don't want to get my hopes too high but I should be able to be back in classes full time. I'm going to have to take it easy though and know my boundaries so I don't overdo it. I'm pretty nervous. I'm so used to being at the back of the class but now, going back to my class I'm in the front so I seem to put pressure on myself to do more than I should be. I'm going to have to not put pressure on myself and just do what I can and be ok with it. It's better I take my time. I start at a gym with a pool in May and will be doing a lot of exercises in water to build back strength without putting stress on my joints. Sifu J. Lagner gave me the idea and my doctor thinks it's a great idea. So slow and steady I should be back in a regular routine.

Teaching

One of my theory questions is "teaching". I'm not sure what exactly how to answer this question but one of my recent experiences made me think about it. I spent some time this past few weeks teaching my 85 year old grandma how to use an iPad. For most of us it's a quick transition from one device to another and once someone shows us how to do something, after about 5 minutes we've got it. For her, this is brand new. I spent about an hour showing her what icons to touch, what icons were, what each thing meant, how to swipe, etc. etc. I spent an hour and 45 minutes teaching her how to enter an event into her calendar. For her, this was quite frustrating, the buttons were small and she couldn't remember what each thing did. I could empathize with this frustration. So I'd show her a few things, have her do it a few times while I was there for her to ask questions, then I'd walk away for a few minutes and let her do things on her own, then come back knowing she'd forget some of the things I showed her, go over them again, and repeat the above. At the end of the hour and forty five minutes she was entering our birthdays on her iPad. She hugged me, thanked me for being so patient and told me I should be a teacher.

I believe this is the same with kung fu. Some people already have a good fitness background when they start, so pushups, situps and running is easy for them. Some people have a different form of a martial arts background, some people have injuries, some people are more coordinated than others, etc, etc... when teaching, knowing a students abilities and knowing how far to push is important. Knowing when a student should be left alone to muddle through and knowing when to help is important too. We're all different, and learn in different ways and being able to adapt and empathize makes a good teacher. Not sure if this is the type of answer the question is looking for, but this is my answer, based on my experience.

Thanks!

Woke up this morning and saw that my car was more than buried in snow. I knew I had to get out and run a couple errands but was definitely not looking forward to shovelling. After breakfast I got ready and looked again outside to see what laid before me. My neighbour that I had helped just over a week ago was just finishing up shovelling me out and brushing off my car. Thanks Karma!

Still learning lots about foods and trying new things. Watermelon radishes are my new favourite vegetable. They're so good, they are a bit milder than regular radishes and about the size of an apple. I can just eat a whole one by itself. I also learned, I do NOT like spaghetti squash. EW! Next week I'm trying something called a white sunchoke. Never even heard of it before so we'll see how that goes.

I'm not on track with my training as I should be for various reasons but I know I'll catch up. I should hopefully be back able to participate in my classes again later this week.

See you at the kwoon!

Friday the 13th

13 has always been my lucky number. Not so much for one of my neighbours. I went to leave for I Ho Chaun class Friday night and noticed a whole bunch of smoke coming out of the hood of one of the cars in my lot. I knew who owned the car but didn't know where he lived. Long story short, I ran around my neighbourhood to see if I could find him, called the fire department, got blocked in by a fire truck. Turned out it ended up being some sort of hose that got a hole in it which was causing the smoke and my poor neighbour came out to 5 firemen surrounding his car. He was really stressed out because he was on his way to the west end to pick up his daughter so I told him I'd drive him to get her and to try to find the part he needed for his car. I wasn't going to make it to class now anyway. It ended up making for an interesting evening and I ended up meeting a few of the people who live by me.

I'm behind on my core requirements but have been making progress on my personal ones. Still waiting patiently for my doctor's appointment. MARCH 24TH!!!! Had my knee lock on me during last weeks class, saw a physio therapist and found out it was swollen and I twisted my meniscus probably when I fell down my front steps the day before the banquet that I ended up not being able to go to. I swear I don't like hurting myself I've just always been accident prone.

Definitely hard to stay engaged when you haven't been able to go to classes. I'm still staying positive though. Things don't last forever, bad or good. Plus, overall I'm still able to get more done in a day than I used to, so that's improvement.

In Like a Lamb and Out Like a Lion

It's pretty different learning broadsword. I kept holding it wrong and stabbing myself in the neck. Good thing it's not a live weapon or I'd be hooped. It felt like the first I Ho Chaun class went way faster than previous years. It's a lot different to have a person you've decided to train with, I like it. I just have to not put pressure on myself to learn everything all at once. I've never used a sword before and I'm a new green belt so there's going to be lots to learn and lots to practice. Plus I have to stay mindful of overusing my joints until I get my muscles more built up and stable to support them evenly. I'm looking forward to this year, I think it will be fun. I've learned my boundaries, my strengths and my weaknesses the past couple years and I just need to work with them to do what's right for me while following the program requirements.

I've managed to stay vegetarian. I feel like I have more of a grasp on it now. I'm finding my blood sugar is more stabilized for the most part and I don't have spikes and drops like I used to. I also seem to require a lot less food and I'm not craving carbs as much as I did at first. The only negative thing I'm finding is that my muscles get tired, sore and shaky a lot faster. I'm getting enough protein from plant sources, so I'm going to go to the doctor and ask them to check to make sure I'm getting enough other vitamins. My fridge is always filled with so many fruits and veggies now, it's weird. Never would've thought I'd know what brocollini was or that there was even such a thing.

Anyway, have a good week. Toodles.

Happy Thursday!

I have a very eclectic music collection but Xavier Rudd is my all time favourite musician so this won't be the last time I share his music with you.  Have a great day!

Brain vs Body

I was really sad to have missed the banquet last night. I've gone for the past 5 years and always find it so motivational. I always love the blackbelt ceremony and feel so happy for the people who worked so hard to finally earn it. Congratulations Sifu Tymchuck and Sifu Becket!!!

The past year has been a real struggle for me. I've missed work, occasions with family and friends and a lot of kung fu. Patiently waiting for doctors appointments have been beyond frustrating and trying to stay positive becomes darn near impossible some days. I miss out on things a lot. My new family doctor is pretty sure I have IBS which has some pretty embarrassing and unpredictable symptoms. I'll know more for sure when I have my specialist appointment. I turn red talking about it, in fact I'm pretty embarrassed just typing this. Things like stress, anxiety and diet can make the symptoms worse, and me being a naturally high anxiety person can make it pretty bad. I've been told I can be put on a mild anti depressant which has been proven to numb the pain in the abdomen but I'm determined not to rely on such a thing. I've basically been super conscious of what I'm eating to eliminate trigger foods and trying to reduce stress. Problem is, this causes stress, so it's kind of like a never ending circle of suck. I've been lying to people to get out of dinners with them because I don't really feel like explaining why there's barely anything on my plate and it bothers me a lot because I'm not a liar. I guess as I figure this out things will get easier, but for right now I spend a lot of nights in tears because I just want to feel better. The only reason I'm writing this blog is so now you know that when I'm not in class, it's definitely not because I've got something better to do and when you ask how I'm feeling and I seem like I'm blowing you off, I'm not, I'm just not wanting to lie to you because I'd really rather not talk about it because it's embarrassing. Now you know, if you didn't before, even if you didn't want to know, you do.

Anyway, enough of that. Still thinking if I actually want to publish this. Lets talk about something else.

I started something called Organic Box. I have a huge dislike for most vegetables and figured this would be a good way for me to try more of them and learn more about what kinds of different vegetables there are and how to cook them. So far I've received one order. The food looks a lot duller and less shiny than it does in a grocery store without all the chemicals but it's way more delicious. Plus, this has been forcing me to try to cook different things because I've spent my food budget so I'd better eat what's in my fridge. I made baked potatoes the other day with a bit of cheese, garlic and broccoli and it was delicious. Yep, I actually ate something with broccoli and enjoyed it. Plus the company focuses on local farmers which I love that my money is going to go back into the community and they support ethical treatment of animals. I find it a bit pricey. It's more farmers market prices than grocery store prices but I'm thinking it will balance out because I'm not walking down Superstore's aisles hungry after work adding a whole bunch of stuff I don't need in my cart. Josh also really seems to be enjoying having farm fresh milk and eggs in the house. He seems to like it too which is a win.

Anyway, I'm hoping the year of the sheep goes a lot better than the year of the horse did. I am a sheep, so it better!

See you at the kwoon.

I'm OK With Failing and Getting Up and Failing Again

I had so many goals this year and I didn't achieve any of them. It was really disheartening for me. I really, really wanted to learn lion dance this year so I could learn to drum, I wanted to be able to do 30 real pushups in a row, I wanted to become more comfortable with sparring and had so, so many other things to achieve. At first all I felt was frustration and guilt. Frustration because I wasn't able to achieve the things I wanted to do, and guilt because I wasn't doing the things I said I would. Usually I'm one of the most reliable people I know, and this year that all changed not only with my kung fu but with everything else too.

I had to try to work on letting the guilt go. It was eating at me. There was nothing I could do about my situation, so I tried to be productive in other ways. I've read a lot about meditation, I learned a lot about foods, I've changed times that I do things to avoid situations that anger me. I've learned to deal with anger a lot better than I used to. Don't get me wrong, things still really tick me off, but I'm learning to control how I react.
I've learned to be more empathetic, I'm learning to shut my mouth and listen, I've learned I need more experiences than things. I've learned to live in the moment, and although I can't do it all the time, I sure love it when I do. I've learned I'm not a quitter and I learned I'm mentally stronger than I thought.

I am also so grateful that I met a few people through kung fu this year that I can have really honest conversations with and for the people who have been compassionately honest with me. I have a lot of respect for you.

So, while this year was a total bust for me for a lot of my I Ho Chaun goals, I got a lot out of it I wasn't expecting. My favourite thing was probably the photo Sifu Lindstrom got of me throwing Sihing Tymchuk during my one and probably my only ever demo appearance. By the way Sifu, you still have to send me that photo!!!

To Run or Not to Run? That is the question...

I've been thinking about giving running a try. I hate it to be honest, but I'm not sure I gave it a fair chance. I'm considering this spring to show up to the kwoon early to my class and do 12 laps around the building twice a week. I'm really apprehensive about it, because my cardio is horrible, it's going to be embarrassing. I have to sort out a couple things first but my goal to start this is the end of March. If any runners want to give me advice, all would be appreciated.

I'm also going to start going back to my regular classes when I can attend. It's really difficult that they're late, but I feel like it's for the best. It's going to suck getting up in the morning because I start work at 6:30am and I can't seem to settle myself down quick enough after a class to get a decent amount of sleep but if I push through and work hard to get my blue belt, all will be good. I got some tea that's supposed to help you sleep so hopefully that works.

I think the biggest thing I've learned from the I Ho Chaun is to be honest with myself and balance. I can't do everything, but I can't do nothing either. I have to try my best and push a little past that every day. I have to stop being so hard on myself and focus on what I am doing, and slowly add what I am missing. I've got to get back to posting online. I think it was a bad idea for me to post on kwoontalk right now so I'm going to start doing it again on the I Ho Chaun group. I find if I don't post, I don't log and then I slowly stop doing things all together.

Man, my blogs sure are random. It would be so much easier to just write "ditto" on someone else's blog than to try to streamline my thought patterns.

Well, toodles for now...Did I seriously just say toodles?

Moving Forward

5 year ago Lindsay would have definitely made fun of today Lindsay. I can't believe how much has changed for me over the past few years. What I like to do is different, my eating habits are different, the people I surround myself with are different, seems like everything is different. With so much change comes alot of insecurity and uncertainty. I've been so unsure of myself the past while but I'm sure as I adjust that will change. I felt so incredibly awkward trying a vegetarian restaurant for the first time. It turned out to be delicious though and we've been back to Cafe Mosaic on Whyte ave a couple times now. I've also found a farm that seems to ethically treat their animals. I looked into all their certifications and talked to the farmer and was invited to come visit the farm. I'll be going this spring and will let you know what I see and find. If what they say is true, I'd be ok with buying meat and eggs from there. For now though, I suppose I'll stick with lettuce. :)

I've been trying to use more natural products too and found some really good shampoo and conditioner. I've been using it for the past few months. Here's the problem. I've been sneezing quite a bit, feeling run down and my nose has been running. I thought I was allergic to vegetarianism. Turns out Argan Oil and Shea Butter is used quite a bit in "natural products". These are nuts! Who knew? Nuts I am allergic too, not vegetables... I guess I'm out of excuses to not eat broccoli.

I still haven't been able to regularly attend classes which sucks, but I'm working on it. I got my greenbelt though, which was a surprise. I thought that I was still pretty far away from getting it. I never feel ready for anything though, so it's a good thing I don't grade myself. I'd still be a white belt if that was the case. I'm a work in progress.

See you at the kwoon!

Hmmm...

I was reading some team member blogs and it was strange because it was like they were in my head. The first one was Mr. Smid's. I too am wondering if I should be on next years team. I'm struggling with making it to classes and with motivating myself at home. I also heard we were doing dragon dance this year, which made the butterflies in my stomach want to jump through my throat. I'm no good at dragon dance!!! I recognize how much I have changed over the past couple years but still have huge doubts about taking on a 3rd year. I know how disappointing it can be to have team members not be reliable for things when as a team you're working so hard to reach a goal. I felt the impact of that when trying to have enough people for a double dragon dance when I was on the dragon team a couple years ago, and never having enough people show up. It was really disappointing and I never got better because we were always starting from scratch, so I hate being an unreliable team member myself. Which I am. Plus the hatred and unrelenting fear of public demos. I know I've been told I don't have to do one, but there's still that feeling of having a giant, blazing "L" on my forehead.

The second blog was Sifu Kichko's. You can read her blog and pretend I wrote it. Plus, I am a loner by nature and don't like being around large groups of people. Nor do I go out of my way to meet people so I find when I actually meet someone I have something in common with I'm so excited to share my thoughts, I don't listen as I should and interrupt alot. I need to stop doing that. There are so many things I could learn if I could just keep my mouth closed.

I do recognize that there are good things happening too by being part of the I Ho Chaun. I remember sharing the first year how I could never stop my brain and live in the moment. Well, it's starting to happen now. With alot of practice, I have been noticing how beautiful the world truly can be around me when I take a moment to breath. I believe if I keep training my brain, my life will become alot more peaceful. It's still a struggle, but such a wonderful thing when I can notice how gorgeous the glittery snow on the trees can be rather than focusing on whether or not I'm going to be late for work. My practice is starting to pay off.

Well, those are my random thoughts on a Friday lunch break. See you at the kwoon.

Combinations

Obviously combinations are something I struggle with since I keep mentioning it. Last class I got some good feedback and was able to figure out that one of my biggest problems is my kicks. I tried practicing a few on my own and I definitely don't maintain control. I figured out that balance was a major part of it. I lose balance so I just want to put my foot down as fast as possible which makes for a pretty sloppy combination. I need to work on that. There's a yoga class that is dedicated to hip strength and flexibility on Sunday mornings so I'm going to try to attend that as much as I can in hopes it helps with this. I guess we'll see what happens. I'll keep working on it. I shall conquer you red stripe!

Kindnesses

I had my parents and one of my brothers over for Christmas dinner. It was really nice to see them. My mom lives a little over 2 hours away so I don't see her as much as I'd like to. We had a good conversation about acts of kindness. My family started talking about some of the things they like to do. There were things like acknowledging cashiers by name, thanking people, opening doors and my brother was going to make up a couple plates with our leftovers for a couple homeless people that live by hiw place. I was also able to answer some questions they were asking because of the conversations we've had during our meetings. It was nice to have this talk with them because most of the time people tell me I've become to busy and need to relax more. I think that if that's what the people in my life are seeing then I have to make more of an effort to include them. It makes sense that before you change the world, you first have to change yourself.

Obviously by my lack of posting, I fell off of track with my requirements during the Christmas chaos. It's difficult being so transparent with what I'm doing or not doing because everyone clearly knows where I'm failing. It can get pretty embarrassing publicly failing all the time. I guess that's what keeps me on track.

No change health wise. I have good weeks and bad, still waiting for my March specialist appointment. One thing for sure is that I clearly cannot drink milk. Cheese and yogurt seem ok, but apparently milk is a definite no. Which seems really odd because I didn't seem to have any change or an immediate problem with it months ago when my doctor told me to try and eliminate dairy for awhile. I am a mystery.

See you at the kwoon.