Random Thoughts From My Couch

Things I've changed this year; An oven can be used for cooking things. Who knew? I buy alot less microwaveable things. I listen to my body and find out what it needs instead of ignoring it. I don't shop when I'm in a hurry, it causes me to be rude to people. I don't give up when things get hard, I set my boundaries and work to push past them, setting the bar a bit higher as I progress. I'm not as nervous to speak up and try things. Things I need to work on; Creating smaller, more sustainable goals. Work past the nerves so I can do public performances. I know you are supposed to keep going when you mess up but I freeze completely. LOGGING - Total epic fail this year. Practicing at home, I have a hard time motivating myself to practice at home, I find a billion other things to do. Knowing that I'm like that, maybe I'll look into the YMCA down the street for next winter, that way when the roads are to icy for me to go to Stony, I can do a class there so I'm at least doing something. Things I said I'd do but I didn't; Go to San Sao. I really was going to start this class but it was getting too much to travel to Stony so many days a week. Blog when I missed class, I stopped doing this because I started missing alot of classes during the winter, always because of road conditions. Things I want to change with next years team; COMMUNICATION. I want to stress the importance of this. If you can't commit to something, don't. It drove me crazy this year to have to keep having to start over again with dragon dance basics because we kept having different people all the time. I also found it frustrating planning my schedule around practices and ending up not having enough people and finding out everyone went camping. Well, I could've gone camping too. This is the same with everything else, including the renovation projects, tiling, Pandamonium, etc. If you say you're going to be there, be there. By just not showing up, you leave all the work to everyone else. The hardest things I've done this year; Blogging, I'm a very private person. Asking for help, I never do that. Forms Seminar, Bootcamp, organized a demo, doing my form in front of the class, leading warmups, speaking up when I disagreed with things and failing and starting over many many times. Sorry for the long rambling blog post. If you are still reading this, you must be bored. :)

From Outside to Inside

Watching the Dragon Dance practice on video was a bit unreal to me. 3 or 4 years ago (can't remember when I started) I came to a Chinese New Years banquet with Josh. I was immediately mesmerized by the weapons demos and thought it was so cool. Not long after I was talking to Sifu Brinker, and signed up for kung fu. The past few years around this time, I'd sit in open training watching the lion dance practices and thinking how awesome it was and I wish I could do something like that, and now...here I am. I struggle quite a bit with a lot of this stuff. I was more of the artsy type rather than athletic growing up and suddenly my more active life style has made me extremely conscious of hurting myself and issues I'm having with my body that I probably should've resolved years ago. I wish I had done this a long time ago, instead of in my 30s, but someone once said "the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is now" So I guess I'm doing it now. I hope one day I become good with my ropedart and inspire someone else to try. My goal is to have a form that looks fluid and beautiful like some of the forms I've seen on the internet. I think the biggest compliment would be to have someone ask to help them learn.

Just My Opinion

I'm not really sure how to articulate this, it might end up a whole bunch of jumbled nonsense. We'll see as I write. I'm extremely disappointed that I haven't progressed with dragon dance. I still struggle quite a bit with the running and the jumps and I've spent since spring coming to practices. Why am I not getting better? Well, maybe I just plain suck, but there's a lot of things that I've noticed that's been quite frustrating at my level. Like, where are you guys? I'm not talking about the people that have spoken up and said they'd be out of town working, or sick, etc. I'm talking about the people who committed and just plain don't show up. Maybe you think, "Meh, It's easy, I know dragon dance and it'll be easy to catch up."...but what about that person learning behind you? I've been trying to learn and get better, but how on earth can I do that when we're always practicing with new people and having to start over with basics every single class? I feel like I'm still at the level I was on day one of practice. Also, there have been other people that have worked their schedule around practices since spring too. What about them? If they can't make the extra practices we need now because of people not showing up earlier...that kind of sucks. Horse Team - Communicate with each other! If you've committed to something and can't make it, let everyone know and find a replacement. You affect those around you by not showing up, whether you realize it or not. Just be honest, if you can't commit, say so. If you want to commit but there's certain days you can't, say so. Communicate! Lack of communication seems the root of a majority of any problems being on the I Ho Chaun team. Snake Team - Same thing as I said to Horse Team, we have roughly 6 weeks left, lets make the best of it and start talking to each other. Just my opinion.

You Haven't Died!!!!

I see you Mr. Leung, you sneaky sneakerson! You poked your head up on kwoon talk! :) You should stop by and see us, or at least say hello.

How Can One Person Change the World?

I look at everything around me and ask myself "am I happy"? Not really, it saddens me what I see on a daily basis. I'm constantly being bombarded with photos of animal and child neglect and abuse. I'm constantly seeing people choosing money over ethics. I'm constantly watching my environment be destroyed. I see sadness and rage in so many people and I don't understand how people just accept this as normal. People need people, love, kindness, caring, affection, etc. Not money or things. We need to spend time with our families, we need clean air, we need clean water, so why are we ok with destroying all this? Where do I even start changing this? And who the heck is going to listen to me anyway? I guess I can only start one act of kindness at a time, until I figure this out.

Not Really Sure What to Say

Well, my momentum has officially been lost. Missing out on so many classes has been really difficult, it's hard to motivate myself to practice when I'm not at the kwoon because I find a million other things that have to be done at home, that, or catch up on sleep. Plus, I seemed to have done something to my shoulder, it aches quite a bit to have to lift it up and I'm not sure what happened. It really bothers me to be so close to the next belt level and hit my winter slump. If I can't make it to classes, I should be practicing at home, darn it! I KNOW!

Good luck Sihings!

Good luck on Saturday Sihing Lagner and Sihing Csillag!!! I know you guys will do great! I'm in a serious debate with myself whether or not to sign up for the year of the horse. I have a couple major goals this year and I'm not sure if I can fully commit to everything and I don't like to commit unless I'm going to do what I've committed too. I see the benefits that this year has done for me and I'm nervous if I take this year off I'll have to start again at square one. But, I also have some personal things that really need to be attended too. What to do...What to do...

My Favorite Thing

My favorite thing this year so far has been learning 3 star, 5 star and 7 star for the drum for dragon dance. That, and learning how to do a head stack. I thought I'd be scared being tossed up so high, but it wasn't as bad as I thought. My least favorite thing has been dragon dance. I actually cried after one practice from being so frustrated from not being able to run and jump. I won't get better unless I do it though. I now have motivation to get my blackbelt, because then I'll be able to learn drumming and do that instead of running. Drum NOT run! Kinda rhymes. *Forgive me, I was just given a lot of sugar* I'm kind of in a rut with my training because I'm practicing some of my least favorite things, combinations and dragon dance. Both things I struggle a lot with. Can't quit though, no one likes a quitter.

Tiger Challenge

I really liked helping with Tiger Challenge this year. Watching all the events and seeing everyone compete at all levels was awesome. I'm always so impressed with the people who are so nervous but get up there anyway and do their thing, that takes a lot of bravery since it's so much easier to just not show up. That's kind of what I tend to do. I was surprisingly kind of sad to not be in the dragon dance, I didn't think it would bother me but I just can't keep up yet. The way I look at it though is I can only get better, I'm a work in progress and I've become ok with that. I was actually nervous to read peoples scores out loud, kind of a stupid thing to be nervous about but I was, after a few times when I realized I could in fact count to ten, I was ok. I was really happy to see Mr. Hatton from my class win gold for breaking all his boards. My favorite part was watching the blackbelts compete, you all seem to have such a good relationship with each other and that's such an awesome thing to see. I thought it was great of Mrs. Csillag to organize the pizza afterward. It was a great way to end the day. Although, I'm not too sure I'm a huge fan of rutabaga. Anyway, these are my random thoughts about Tiger Challenge. Good job everyone and shout out to Sihing Csillag (and anyone else I don't know about) for doing a lot of the organizing.

Things That Are Scary

I didn't sign up for Tiger Challenge this year. Yes, I understand it would be good for me and logically I know I should do it, but the irrational fearful side of me is much louder than the rational side this time. The things I fear are; Public performances/speaking, centipedes/worms, clowns, heights and deep water...pretty much in that order. Yes, I've been pushing myself over and over out of that comfort zone. I've done warm-ups, the forms seminar, talked a lot more in front of the class, I walked the suspension bridge in Drumheller and went in the deep end at the wave pool in west ed. These don't seem like a big deal to the average person I'm sure, but I'm not sure that I'm all that normal. I'm the kind of person that has to gain courage on my own when it comes to things I'm afraid of, a little encouragement helps, but if I'm pushed, the claws come out and there's no way you will ever get me to do it. ever. period. It's kind of like Sihing Krebs blog about when he touched the tarantula. Do you think that he'd get over his fear if you threw him in a big pit of them, no, you'd give him nightmares and anxiety for weeks. You have to start off by touching one, then maybe you could hold one, then maybe let one crawl on you...baby steps. So, maybe I'm not advancing as fast as some people may think I should because I haven't done my form in front of the class yet, but I'm working up to it. Mrs. Csillag asked me..."What would work to help you?" I thought that was a great question to ask and I don't know the answer yet, but I'm thinking about it. I'm coming to volunteer for Tiger Challenge this year so I know what to expect and the goal is to participate next year. I'm not sure if this Blog makes sense, forgive me I'm still a little sick and it's early. :)

First Day Back

It's my first day back at work after being off sick. Oh my...what an overwhelming pile of paperwork to deal with. I guess that's what you get when you are the only one in your position. I feel bad having to work Saturday now after planning tiling for that day, I'm really sorry about that. I had a good Thanksgiving, I have so many things to be thankful for this year. I was lucky enough to have 2 dinners with people I really love. I have a job, a car, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, people who love me and I live in Canada. What more could a girl ask for?

Life as a White Belt

Ms. Csillags blog about bowing in made me think back to when I was a white belt. I remember not knowing when to bow. I remember thinking Sifu Stoddard was Sifu's daughter, it probably took me about 6 months to realize that her and Sifu Brinker were not related. I remember asking Sifu Playter (male) a question and being so confused when he told me to go talk to Sifu Player. I remember hiding in the back as much as possible because I was horribly uncoordinated and so embarrassed. I remember Sifu Shipalesky patiently trying to teach me how to do a spinning back kick for an ENTIRE class and telling me "good job" when I still didn't get it by the time we bowed out. I remembering Ms. Csillag being the first student to come talk to me. Everything we do in that school will impact someone else whether it is positive or negative. I clearly remember those who helped me as a new student. We all have different fears and insecurities so being empathetic to those within the kwoon is just as important as anyone else. Even as we move up the rank the fears and insecurities are still there, they just may change to something different. So nomatter what, if you see someone struggling, be a friend and kindly encourage them, any discouraging word may just drive someone to give up. I know that if the Sifu's I first had not shown me the patience and respect they did, I wouldn't be here typing this blog.

Sleep and McDonalds

Bah, the past few weeks have been stressful and all I want to do is sleep. No matter where I am I feel the desperate urge to just curl up for a nap. Last night I missed class because I sat down for a minute and the next thing I knew it was after 9. I'm also craving junk food, just now I had McDonalds for lunch, and yes I pictured Sifu Playters disapproving stare. Maybe it's the weather change, I don't know. The 8:30 classes are feeling so late right now, I guess going forward anytime I sit down I should set an alarm. I can't be missing classes! I want my green belt as a Christmas gift!

My Year So Far...

Well at first this I Ho Chaun thing really stressed me out. I was feeling discouraged and frustrated which ended up making me feel incredibly unmotivated. After awhile I started looking at it differently as the things I started getting out of this ended up different than what I expected. Alot of the things that have changed for me. I am more conscious of what I eat. Anything microwavable or fast was my answer to everything, now I pay more attention to what I eat. I still eat the things I crave, I've just come to terms that chocolate is a snack and not a food group. I'm way more aware of how I treat people. Do I still get frustrated with the human race? Absolutely!!! I try to control my temper much better now though, use my manners more and appreciate it so much more when people do kind things for me. I'm still a work in progress as things still make my blood boil but I don't think I'm as bad as I used to be. I'm also slowly working on my fear and anxiety when it comes to doing things in front of people. I haven't yet been brave enough to do a form or anything in front of the group but I've been pushing myself slowly and surely. Last year would I have done a warm up? Nope! Would I have done Bootcamp? Bigger Nope! Forms seminar? Heck No! So regardless whether I do a demo or not this year, there has still been progress. I'm also not afraid to ask questions in class anymore and am much more patient with myself. I find although my body still doesn't cooperate with me as much as I'd like it too, I'm picking things up faster because I'm learning to calm myself down. Before, I'd just get aggravated and give up. So, am I doing everything on the list? No, but I'm setting myself up to be able to do it all by the time I'm ready to grade. By starting as an orange belt, I have longer to learn to discipline myself and am learning alot from the rest of the team about what I have to do to be successful. I may be the last one in the line up but I have nowhere to go but forward.

Mr. Leung?

Mr. Leung? Where are you? Did you find an island like the one I talked about in a previous blog? If so, I'm kind of mad at you for not telling me about it.

Fear - 1 Lindsay - 0

I'm not sure I like the score in the title of my post, so my goal is to reverse that. The first thing I'm going to do is ask Sifu Stoddard to help me with my form to get it better. Secondly, I will perform that form in front of Sifu Wetter. (Eek) Thirdly, I will perform that form in front of the I Ho Chaun team. (Bigger Eek) If I can survive that, I will work on getting into a small demo for a small group if one comes up. *So scary* I also want to keep trying the dragon dance I've decided, if there is someone that wants to do it instead of me, I'm ok with that, but until then I'm going to keep going with it. Realistically, I'm not going to get any better unless I do. Just so you know though, I'm definitely not ready for any sort of performance yet. So, like I said, feel free to replace me any time you see fit. I've had no issues with my hip after the last couple practices, so unless it starts acting up again, I think I shouldn't chicken out. For the record, my favorite thing is the drums, I absolutely, 100% want to learn them for when I am a blackbelt. I get mesmerized watching Sifu Playter and Sifu Rybak playing the drums, I hope I'm not creeping you guys out, just watching how you get your hands move to the rhythm, that's all, I swear.

Easy Way Out?

I decided with the beginning of the I Ho Chaun year that I would be open and honest with my blogs and not give up on things so easy. I'm struggling to decide whether or not to bow out of dragon dance. If I did though, would it be because it is hard and I'm struggling it with it? Or is it for genuine concern of my hip falling out? I guess with not many people coming out to practice, I shouldn't feel guilty taking up a spot that someone else could have so I can keep trying for now.

Dear Non-Bloggers

Hello I Ho Chaun members that are not blogging. For the love of God, would you please blog. It's lonely over here blurting all my thoughts out for all to see and coming across as unstable by myself. I would appreciate some company over here in my looney bin. Thank you in advance.

When Do You Know You've Had Enough?

I said I want to try Dragon Dance and I have been but I never leave practice feeling good about it. I'm very protective of my body parts having injured them so many times so having to run and jump goes against my instict. Plus, the running, oh god, the running...So really, was this the best idea? I'd say no. I'm starting to think I really should be working on my strength and cardio before doing this. It's hard to hear what the sifu's are telling me to do when I'm concentrating on holding down my breakfast. So, what do I do? Bow out now? Shutup and let myself be dragged along? I don't even know. I don't want to slow the rest of the group but the simple fact is that I physically can't keep up right now. I'm thoroughly screwed when we pick up the pace or have an actual dance come up. The demos too, I still haven't changed my mind about those. The forms seminar was bad enough to send me into full blown panic attack and now we have Tiger Challenge...Not sure what I'm going to do about that quite yet. Really, the only thing I'm doing ok with in the I Ho Chaun is the Acts of Kindness, which I'm not logging, so I guess I'm really not doing ok with it... Why am I even here? Why do I keep showing up against my better judgment? There's got to be a reason even if I don't know what that is yet.

Sihing Lowery

Dear Sihing Lowery, I am sad to hear that you will no longer be coming back to kung fu. I don't know your reasons, and I'm sure they are very personal. I do ask though, were any of the reasons because of frustration or fear of failure? If that's the case, I believe I've failed you as a team member for not recognizing that and helping you. I also believe that if those are the reasons, you shouldn't quit just yet. If you could just push through the next little while, I'm sure things will change and we can help you. If these are not your reasons and you genuinely want to hang up the belts, I wish you well. I really enjoyed training with you and helping you with your 5 techniques. It was alot of fun. Whether you see it or not, you are a leader and I learned alot from you. People like me need people like you that are willing to help us quietly in a back corner while no one is watching. Thank you so much for your help and I am very sad to see you go.

Life Had Other Plans

While I was busy starting my chiropractor appointments and gearing up to start yoga, life had other plans. My car broke down AGAIN and got towed to the shop and my grandma fell and broke her hip AGAIN. She should be out of the hospital in 4-6 weeks, this is the second time she's broken it in 2 years so I'm really hoping she can heal and continue to live on her own. I won't be able to come to class until I get my car back and won't be able to go back to the chiropractor until I pay off my car. I suppose I at least have a game plan in a few months when everything settles. On a positive note, I love, love, love the sound of the 2 drums. I also loved the energy coming from the kwoon during Fridays nights practice. You guys are awesome! Oh did I mentioned I spilled my smoothie all over my carpet, down the side of my cabinet and inside of 2 of my purses this morning before I left my place and couldn't clean it up because the cab showed up. I anticipate a really stinky place and cat vomit everywhere from my cats trying to lick it up when I get home today. Sigh...it's going to be one of those weeks is it...

I'm NOT crazy!

I went to an hour and a half appointment last night at my chiropractor's office to go through my x-rays, scan and treatment plan. He actually asked me if I had been in a car accident because my spine looks like it has been through some trauma. My neck has lost it's natural curve, I am misaligned and there is a significant height difference in my hips which is the probable cause of my rib and hip dislocating and the pains in my left side. This is the first time someone in the medical field has actually taken the time to look at me so thoroughly and I was NOT offered medicine, in fact it is discouraged. He thinks he can help. I may need to get a lift in my one shoe for awhile to balance me out. No wonder I feel so clumsy and awkward. I'm excited that I am in fact not crazy (Josh may disagree) and there is a reason I have been complaining for all these years and I am finally getting fixed! He also encourages exercize which makes me happy because the last doctor I saw told me to quit kung fu and prescribed me some pills. Such a difference! *Happy dance*

Healthier Lifestyle - Better or Worse?

There's so many things that I've changed over the past few years for me. This past weekend was my 4 year non-smoking anniversary. Quitting smoking was probably the hardest thing I have ever done, but the most rewarding. I never thought I could do it, it took me about 30 times to finally kick the habit, and now 4 years later I find it kind of gross. Everything has changed, my career and where I live included. More changes have come with joining the I Ho Chaun as well. I've been taking care of myself alot more than before and completely renovating my lifestyle. I'm starting to feel better but it's a struggle too. Eating and living better has definitely hit the pocket book. It's sad that it's $1 for a cheeseburger vs. $8 for a salad, plus the cost of vitamins, chiropractic care, etc...It's a bit hard to swallow, but I guess you have to look at the long term benefits. I've started chiropractic and I've budgeted for a new bed and orthotics for the beginning of October. I'm really hoping that the 3 of these things solve alot of problems for me. The hardest part is my friends. I seem to not have alot in common with alot of them anymore. I don't want to do the same things nor do I have the same priorities I used to. I seem to struggle at the kwoon too. I have a very sarcastic sense of humor and I tend to swear alot more than I should. I have to control that quite a bit because I don't want to offend anyone or say anything that could come across as disrespectful. It gets difficult sometimes to control as I become more comfortable with the Sifus and other students and sometimes I say things I immediately regret because I know how I can be taken sometimes. I assure you, I respect and admire you all alot, and am sorry if I ever offended anyone. I generally stay quiet so that doesn't happen, I'm a bit rough around the edges. I guess I'm in the midst of a complete and total lifestyle and attitude change and I'm not sure exactly how to handle everything yet. I am happy to say though that Josh said he's going to start kung fu again in the next few weeks and I'm really excited to practice with him again. See you at the kwoon!

What's Up With My Face

I watched the Forms Seminar video. It's really hard to watch yourself. The first thing I noticed is my weird facial expressions. Seriously?! What's wrong with my face? Watching the video though, I don't think I came across as nervous as I felt which is a good thing. I thought for sure my shakiness and nerves would be amplified times 100 watching it on tape, but it seemed ok, I seemed alot calmer than I thought I would. I'm always told I need flow, with my forms and combinations. I'm not sure how to do that. How do I finish a move and go to the next and be flowy at the same time. Maybe it'll just happen when I'm not such a young grasshopper.

Don't Ask

Sometimes I hate when people ask me what's wrong. I hate answering that question. My body hurts all the time, sometimes worse than others, but I don't like explaining it to people because I always think that the person asking is thinking..."Here she goes again..." or "What's up with her her now." *Followed by an eye roll* I often feel crazy going to the doctors about things and just handed a prescription for muscle relaxants or some other pill they think will work. I want the problems fixed, not masked. When I injured my arm a few years ago and was going to physio I asked the therapist about some of my other problems and saw her for awhile, but it didn't really help so I just gave up after awhile. Now that I'm trying to get into a training routine, I figured I'd try again, so I researched doctors on my own and found a chiropractor with a good reputation. I have more xrays and body scans this week and I'm hoping between new treatments and a new bed that I will be buying in October, I'll feel better and less like a whiner. I remember my mom going through this before she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. She thought she was going crazy while spending years and years going to different doctors before she got her diagnoses. I'm hoping that my issues are fixable and that I've found someone that will actually help me.

Post Forms Seminar

I'm not going to lie, I woke up the day of the Forms Seminar and considered eating a raw chicken so I could call in with samonella. It took all my will power to get ready and into the car to go. Yep, I was that afraid of doing a form in front of everyone. The thing that made me go was that I told Ms. Tomie I would and it would've been super crappy of me to not show up knowing she's just as afraid of the same thing I am. Plus, I also told Sifu Lindstrom I would do it and I could almost picture an evil glint in his eye as he made me do 6 months worth of consecutive warm ups for not upholding my end of the deal. So, I went. It took me awhile to relax as the nerves ravaged my stomach. I did end up calming down a bit and learned alot from Sifu Freitag. It amazes my how Sifus can see how your body is moving and immediately correct it. I didn't know I had been doing a bowstance wrong this whole time and I can definitely feel the difference. I also learned how to do a dragons whip alot better. I also got some really good advice on how to try to control my brain from messing with me so I can just let my body do its thing. I'm definitely going to be working on that. I really enjoyed learning more about Da Mu Hsing and what I can do better. But then the time came, I had to do my form in front of the judges. My stomach flipped as I heard my name called and I turned really hot and my legs became rubber. All I could do is look at the door and wonder if I could escape without anyone noticing. I did it, and it took quite awhile for my heart to finally slow down. I understand why doing these things are important. If you were attacked you'd have the same sort of adrenelin rush and you need to teach your body to react in spite of it. What's the point of all this training if your just going to stay frozen if given that real life situation. Still...knowing that...doesn't make it easier. The only thing I can advise so far, if you feel the same way as I do about these things is; First, Join something like the I Ho Chaun or volunteer with things around the kwoon. It helps to turn Sifu faces into friendly ones and not intimidating ones, and these things are the way to do that. Second, try to partner up with someone who also feel the same way and be accountable for helping and encouraging each other. Knowing I'm going to disappoint someone if I don't do something makes it harder to just not show up. If I always tell Sifu Lindstrom and Ms. Tomie that I'll be somewhere, if I'm not there, I have some 'splaining to do. Anyway, I'll keep trying and hopefully figure out some more things that work for me, and maybe you too, when and if you're in a similar situation.

Seminar in 3-2-1...

I signed up for the forms seminar and I'm way beyond just nervous, I actually feel fearful. Not from the chance to learn my form better, but for the part where I have to do it in front of everyone. My face is getting really hot, and my legs are turning to rubber just thinking about it. I wish I could lose this stupid, irrational fear. Like I said in a previous blog, I didn't have it when I was younger, so what the heck? It's not like I had anything happen that would cause it so it simply just makes absolutely no sense what so ever. Well, see you Saturday where I'm going to spontaneously combust...or cry, haven't decided which.

Walking Meditation

We started bootcamp with walking meditation. For most of it, I just could not clear my mind. It was taken over by things I had to do, things I may have forgot, how tired I was and nerves about the rest of the day. The last few minutes though I managed to finally relax. All I could feel was the slight breeze and the hot sun on my face. All I could hear was the rustling of the leaves, the birds chirping and the crunching of the gravel beneath my feet. All I could see was the sky, the movement of the leaves and grass and the trees and clouds around me. My emotions were very peaceful and all I could think is how wonderful it would be to feel this way more often.

Brain VS Body - Round 1

Brain: "We're going to do Da Mu Hsing and we are going to remember to do our inside and reverse hooking block properly with a snap at the end and not just hook, we are also to keep our wrist straight when we punch." Body: "We'll see about that" Brain: "Do it!" Body: "No!" Brain: "We've practiced this form, we know to do these things, why won't you just cooperate?!" Body: "I don't wanna, it's funny watching you try to do it this way." Brain: "For once would you just cooperate?!" Body: "No!" SIGH...

Forms Seminar

I've been thinking about doing the forms seminar since it was announced. I really need work on Da Mu Hsing and I know one on one time with a Sifu for 4 hours would do alot of good. Here's the problem, I have to do my form in front of everyone at the end. I'm pretty sure my head will fall off and I will spontaneously combust as soon as I get up there. I have no idea where this irrational fear comes from. When I was younger, I had no problems with public performances at all. Where did this happen, it makes no sense. Anything you could say to help, I KNOW...it unfortunately doesn't change anything. If I'm there on the 17th, I am very uncomfortable and my heart is racing. If I'm not there, I chickened out. Guess I'll see if I'm brave enough to register on Friday.

So Long Buddy

Cancer took a wonderful man and great musician. Fred LaRose was the type of person that asked how you were doing and cared about your answer. He was never in too much of a hurry to listen when needed and always took time for those around him. He was such a gentle soul. He gave me my first guitar and it will be a goal of mine to learn to play it. The world certainly doesn't make much sense in times like this. Why good men are taken so early. It seems like it would be more fair if the better person you are, the longer you live, the meaner you are, the shorter your life. I guess not everything is meant to be understood. Rest in Peace Fred.

Bootcamp

You wake up, every muscle in your body aches, you are bruised, covered in mosquito bites and can barely move. Sound like a bad morning? Heck no! It's the morning after the best day ever! I attended my very first bootcamp and honestly was extremely nervous and didn't think I'd even manage to survive the first half of the day. Guess what...I did! I didn't even care that I was the last one to finish the 2k run, I was just happy I finished. I've never even ran 2 kms before, okay, I'm going to be honest here, I don't run, period. People kept telling me that it was going to be one of the best things I'd ever do and that I'd feel so good after. I looked at them like they were crazy and needed some crazy pills, who in their right mind would do this?! But, they were right. You have a strength you don't even know exists until you do something like bootcamp. Don't believe me either? Thinking that I've been brainwashed by before mentioned crazy people? Well, I'm not kidding you and if you read my blog, you would know I don't poop rainbows and kittens, I'm a tell it like it is kind of person. That being said You MUST TRY BOOTCAMP! Things I learned; I love Wing Chung. Be cautious of tiny girls with fans. I don't very much like hitting trees. I really need to practice my combinations. I really need to work on my horsestance. I CAN do a hip throw. I CAN survive a bootcamp. I like walking meditation. I can keep going...All the seminars were awesome and the support from the Sifus and other students was fantastic! Sorry I missed class Sifu Lindstrom, I spent yesterday relearning how to walk. :) See you all next year!

Cats VS Humans

Anyone who knows me knows I like my pets better than most humans. In fact, I could probably live on an island with a bunch of animals and be perfectly happy. I don't understand the human race all that much. Why people are so mean to each other, why people backstab each other, why people judge each other so harshly and why people abuse each other and other living creatures. Why can't we co exist without these things. Animals are just as important as people in my mind, so is the earth. No-one even seems to go out anymore without sticking their noses in a smart phone and ignoring whats going on around them. I get so frustrated being human sometimes. I guess the only thing you can do is try to be kind, try to listen without judgement and try not to get caught up in hurtful gossip and lead by example. Hard to do sometimes when some jackass slams into you, spills your coffee all over you and doesn't even utter a sorry. Sigh...How much is an island?

Missed Class

I missed class this week. I wasn't feeling well and was in bed by 8 every night. Feeling a bit better so I will be at Dragon Dance practice tonight to watch Team 1 practice. I learn alot by watching so I'm sure I'll pick up on some things I didn't grasp last practice.

Zombie Leg

Well, Dragon Dance practice was not what I expected. It was fun though. I definitely know who I have to be nice to now so I don't get dropped on my face. I need alot of practice, I don't have the strength and stamina yet to keep up. I'm going to attend as many practices as possible so I can fill in where needed to start working on that. I can tell you there was not one muscle in my legs that didn't hurt yesterday, the left one especially, I spent the day with that one dragging behind me uselessly like a zombie. Probably would've been a good time to practice projection stepping. Have a good week, I'm going to make friends with some ibuprophen and A5-35.

Dragon Dance

I'm excited and nervous to start dragon dance.  I'm excited to be able to do things with the team again but nervous because I'm the most out of shape out of everyone.  It's embarrassing, but I guess I won't get any better unless I do it.  I'm happy about the decision to start practicing now, it gives me time to develop some endurance and the scheduling works for me so there's no excuses for me not to attend.  Hopefully we can start on our New Years banquet demo now too.      

Roadtrip

Well, as most roadtrips go, any sort of healthy eating completely fell off the wagon.  Stopping at fast food restaurants with my family and loading up on snack food took its toll.  My iron stomach definitely doesn't accept these things as it did 6 months ago.  I can't believe this stuff used to be a majority of my diet.  We got back into Edmonton around 7:30ish Sunday night and Josh and I went to BPs to get something to eat before going home.  I looked at him and said "I'm craving a salad"...I never in a billion years would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth.  What's even more astonishing is that I chose a salad over bacon wrapped steak...Who knew that would happen?!

I haven't yet watched the demo but I know how hard you've all been working and I know everyone did awesome.  I'm hoping to be able to watch it later today.  Good job Sifu Wetter!

Combinations

I talked about how much I disliked combinations before, but yesterday I had a class with combinations that I liked.  It was fun doing them with partners.

I used to get discouraged because I was always getting corrected on whatever I did in class and it seemed much more than everyone else.  It doesn't really bother me anymore, it's kind of neat how the Sifu's can see whenever I move wrong and fix it right away.  Better than going through to Sihing with bad habits.  I'm starting to really like the intermediate class, even though it's so late. 

I'm off to my brother's wedding tomorrow, all the best to everyone in the Canada Day demo!!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkr0VYcZ-eY

Didn't I Just Do a Warmup?

I successfully completed my 3rd warmup.  Still don't like it but I've seemed to come up with a way that makes it a bit easier for me plus, I get to do whatever I want.  I don't have to do squat thrusts if I don't want too and as soon as I get tired, I have the control to change things up.  I think maybe if I do a few more, it won't be such a big deal...I seriously hope Sifu Lindstrom doesn't read my blog or he'll hold me to that...Seriously Sifu, don't hold me to that...I'm much braver over the internet!

My pushups and situps have fallen off the wagon and I can tell.  I'm going to have to get back on that and not be so friendly with my snooze button.  I also haven't been practicing my hand form as I've become frustrated with it and have been concentrating on learning the orange belt forms.  I know that if you're frustrated it means you should practice it more but I am kind of a belligerant child sometimes.

I do miss practices and getting to know everyone, I wish I lived closer and didn't have to work so early, even my Monday and Wednesday classes are becoming difficult.  Maybe in the future some of our practices can be on a Saturdays.

Having a bad day?  How can you not be happy while watching baby pandas?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u155ncSlkCk

Domestic?!

As part of my acts of kindness I have been making coffee for everyone at work and doing dishes once in awhile.  I've also started making my lunches and cooking which was one of my personal goals.  Today one of the guys said he was shocked at how domesticated I've become within the past month and asked if I was pregnant.  This made me laugh pretty hard. 

Yesterday I got my forms stripe.  I've finally learned Long 1 and am managing somewhat of a shoulder roll in Sei Chein (sp?) I found Long 1 pretty hard to learn for some reason but I can finally do it, now I just have to make it smooth so its not so awkward looking.

I'm starting to do my pushups and situps before class, I'm still a bit embarrassed doing it, but I'm doing it anyway.  I'm hoping to upgrade to practicing my forms before class by the end of next month.  It doesn't seem like a big deal, but its a start to get used to doing things with people around.  I haven't yet done my ropedart form in front of my family but will by the end of the summer.

I found a chiropractor I like, I go see him next week.  I'm hoping he can fix me.

I leave you with one of my favorite musicians;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mc27KW4l7O0

Mr. Donahue's Challenge

My voice recorder seems to be working today.  I've already done 10 acts of kindness and its only noon.  Hopefully I've finally figured out this logging thing.  I'm going to try to make a habit of taking it wherever I go, along with my cell phone. 

I find Mr. Donahue's challenge interesting.  I didn't realize but I rarely do anything nice for myself and feel bad when I do because I feel like any money I spend on me or time I spend on myself feels selfish.  I also do not receive nice things or compliments very well.  I always think someone has some sort of alterior motive when they're really nice to me.  Why?  What's  wrong with me that I shouldn't receive?  I'm actually pretty awesome once you get passed my bs.  I think I'd better start being nicer to myself.

I would also like to say that I have successfully not flipped anyone off in traffic for 4 continuous months...

Anyway, I will leave you with this;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTbbYLvhDSM

For the record, the dog approach works better with me...

Hitting a Wall

Well, to be honest, I haven't really been enjoying kung fu for the past month.  I don't know if I'm just hitting a temporary wall or if this was the wrong decision for me and I need to look into doing something else.  When I joined I Ho Chaun I thought that the commitment was every second Friday and one Saturday a month and then there was a bunch of things you do on your own.  I didn't think that it would become a 6 day a week thing or else I never would have commited because I know I can't commit to being in Stony that amount of time.  I tried.  I showed up every single practice for awhile and it got to be way to much.  Other things in my life suffered quite a bit, work was a big one and one I really can't afford to lose right now.  I said that I can't make it to Tuesdays and Thursdays anymore but yet am still being asked where I was and..."you're coming next week right?"...Yes, I feel guilty and like crap saying no, but no I can't make it.  Being told to suck it up and show up doesn't make my ability to come any different.  It's not the kung fu that has been making me not enjoy kung fu...it's the guilt I'm feeling but honestly had I known I would be expected to be there so many times, I would not have joined the I Ho Chaun because I would've known in advance that I'd be dissappointing people.  I can be there for my Mon/Wed class, Fridays and Saturdays.  I can't make Tuesdays, Thursdays or Sundays.  I again, won't be there the Canada Day weekend because my brother is getting married in Lethbridge.  We're leaving Friday and coming back Sunday or Monday, I'm pretty sure the Sunday though. (I can bring the invitation to show that I'm just not trying to get out of anything)  Also, I will be missing the class July 26th because of tickets Josh got as an early birthday gift. 

The things I am enjoying has been getting to know everyone.  I'm alot less shy about asking questions about things I don't understand.  I am being alot nicer to people and I've started eating way healthier and taking care of myself alot better.  If I could just stop letting the guilt eat at me, I'd be much happier.  And I'm sorry that I'm dissappointing people.

I Am Breathing In

So, here's the thing.  I'm a super anxious person with a mind that won't quit...ever.  I worry about stuff, I psyche myself out of things by overthinking and by brain simply just won't shutup.  I've read about people who can live in the moment and I often think how glorious that would be to never lose sleep over anything.  I've tried saying to myself "I am breathing in, I am breathing out" but immediately, not even a half second later my mind starts to race.  I know for a fact, you can shut off your brain, walking around the streets of Edmonton has shown me that several people know how to do this, although, I think for alot of them, it isn't intentional either.  I need to know HOW!  How do I control this over active mind to allow myself not to worry about every darn thing and just allow myself to be content with what I am doing NOW?! 

Cancer's a Jerk

I've watched cancer attack many good people in my life.  It took my grandfather very quickly, my grandmother was able to have surgery remove hers, my stepfather is in remission and my mom is able to have her pre cancerous tumours removed this July before they develop any further.  I found out yesterday a good ex-coworker/musician/friend is losing his battle. 
I went through cancer testing last year, it was very scary.  I chose to do it alone which was a big mistake because I started panicking as soon as I started getting the needles put in me and put into big machines.  I thankfully do not have it, but it really makes you think of your own mortality.  I've been trying to live a healthier life, but it seems almost impossible to find good information.  What you're told is good for you one day is the worse for you the next, and why is healthy food so darn expensive?  Why don't they spend more time finding out what's causing cancer and eliminate it instead of trying to find a cure (which I'm pretty sure they have, but that's another rant).  Gimme a break, with all the crap that's thrown into our food and environment, you seriously don't think these awful diseases are inevitable?  But hey, let's just fight all these problems caused my unatural things by introducing more unatural things to fight them. Makes sense to me *sarcasm font*.   Sometimes I seriously hate being from this planet.
Anyway, my prayer for today is that I can see Fred play his bass again and we can chat about life over a rye and ginger.  Hang in there buddy, you'll get through this!

Gameplan

My posts seem to be really negative.  Not intentional, just kung fu seems to be a mixture of all the things I'm the worst at, so I have to work on it harder than anything else.  I grew up quitting when things got difficult.  I used to be an amazing little artist.  I actually have friends from elementary and junior high finding me on Facebook, asking me if I ever went anywhere with it.  My answer is no.  The reason sadly is because when I tried drawing peoples faces, I couldn't do it perfectly right away so I gave it up entirely.  I did the same with piano and guitar.  I picked it up quite quickly but wasn't as good as the guy beside me so instead of learning from him, I quit.  I wish I could tell younger Lindsay how talented she was and stupid she was to give up.
I don't want to do the same thing with kung fu.  It's definitely not something that comes easy to me, but I do recognize the fact that I am progressing.  The weapons training, will by far be my favorite part despite how much I argue with my weapon.  Being in front of people is my least favorite, along with combinations.  I have some things I have to do in order to keep going with my training.  First, get the hip, knee and other appendages looked after and fixed, I can't keep going with the pains I'm having. Second, get on a proper diet so I stop shaking so much and get the nutrients I need.  Third, work on my flexibility, I will be looking into hot yoga.  Fourth, slowly get used to doing my kung fu in front of people.  I will start this by showing my family my ropedart form, as well as practicing before and after classes with people around.  Once I get all this looked after, I will start San Shao because I'm also horrible at sparring.  My intention was to join that class sooner, but I have to prioritize and there's only 24 hours in a day.  I think if I keep looking after one thing at a time, I won't get so overwhelmed.
I will stick to my Mon and Wed classes and Practices Fridays and Saturdays with the Shaolin Fitness.  I need the other days to accomplish the other stuff on my list.
I Ho Chaun has definitely helped me focus on becoming a more mindful person.  I am actively conscious about the decisions I make, how I treat others and the impact my words can have on people.  I was surprised when another student thanked me for how I treated her when she first started.  She said that she appreciated how helpful I was and she was so nervous it was nice for her to have a friendly face to approach.  That's the kind of Sifu I want to be one day.  The one that motivates the people that are afraid to step into the kwoon, to keep coming back, because  I completely understand that feeling.

Parade/Demo

I thought everyone did fantastic during the parade and demo.  Honestly, personally, I did not like being in the parade.  If anyone else asked me to do this, the answer would've been no.  Too many people watching and it made me very uncomfortable but one of my goals was to try the dragon in front of the crowd and I did.  It was only for a little while, my cardio couldn't handle it and I think between that and my nerves I could only handle the short stint.  So, I apologize for not filling in more.  I did however look after Ms. Csillags littlest one (who I adore) so she could fill in.  I don't know how you all lasted so long jogging so far, boy am I ever in poor shape.  I'm going to find something to do to get my cardio better.  I don't enjoy running and don't feel you should do it unless someone is chasing you.  I'm sure there are other things out there I'd like that would help.

Dragon Dance

I think I'm going to really like dragon dance once my cardio is up to snuff.  When it's going slower and I can keep up, its alot of fun.  When I start panting and wheezing, not so much.  I'm starting to figure out how my hands need to go and what signals to look for from the dragon head, when I can actually see it.  I think if I get to practice more in a bit of a slower environment, I'd be ok.

It was great to see everyone at practice.  It made me feel alot better about Saturday and I'm really happy that we don't have to drop out. 

Just so you guys know, Tuesdays and Thursdays won't work for me for a little while.  I have some stuff I need to take care of, but I will definitely be there for my classes Monday and Wednesday, and Fridays and Saturdays.  I hope we practice dragon on Saturdays.  I mentioned this before as well but I'll remind everyone, I won't be here Canada Day weekend, my brother is getting married in Lethbridge and I need to leave the Friday and come back the Sunday.  I will be here Canada Day though if there's somewhere I can help.

Lack of Practice

I'm seeing this demo suffering.  It's obvious when we aren't practicing together.  There were a good portion of over a month where there were a consistent group of people getting together, and I thought things were getting pretty smooth and looked really good.  Now, it's less and less people and as we throw people in as replacements, especially in any portion that requires more than 1 person like Lao Gar or self defense, it looks pretty obvious that there wasn't much practice involved.  I know for myself I need to feel comfortable with what I'm doing and if I'm thrown in somewhere unprepared, I flounder and get frustrated, the better prepared I am, the better I feel about what I am doing.  I talked a few times about people making sure they are there even if they aren't in this lineup so there could be people ready to sub, and ready for the next demo, where'd you all go?  Is there something we can do to involve more of you?  I seriously think we need to start working better as a group and get our "stuff" together.  There are plenty of ways to stay involved as well if you can't be physically with us.  For example, blogging lets us know where you are, Utilizing UBBT chat, post a video of the form you've been working on.  At least then, we know that you are still with us, practicing, and ready to go at a moments notice. 

How Do You REALLY Feel?

Not sure if I should write this post or not, but I am extremely frustrated.  My left hip and knee rotate inward and are constantly in pain. I find my hip dislocating itself and going back in constantly and this is very painful, it mostly happens when throwing side heels or back kicks.  My right arm is still not fully functional after injuring it a few years ago, it's much better but still has a long way to go.  My cardio is really bad, after a small amount of running with that dragon last night, I thought I was going to black out.  I started smoking when I was 14 and regret doing that, especially now.  I used to take all sorts of medication to try to alleviate the pain but I got so tired of putting chemicals I couldn't even pronounce in my body that I just decided to deal with it.  I need to see a chiropractor or physio and get orthotics made, etc, etc...but it all costs money, even with benefits.  It sucks having to go through life and makes you super cranky to always be hurting.  What sucks even more is when you do talk about it, it seems like you're just complaining or whining all the time.  Realistically, if I told you every time I was in pain, I'd be complaining ALOT.

I'm also frustrated with the amount of kung fu I've thrown myself into.  It's extremely aggravating and demotivating being the slow kid in class all the time.  It's also starting to really bother me that with working full time and being in Stony 5-6 days a week and with Josh working full time and going to school part time, I see him only an evening a week.  Also frustrated that alot of our team hasn't been able to show up to things, which makes me feel alot of pressure to fill in for things that I definately don't feel ready for.  I'm also frustrated that I can't seem to remember to log anything.  All I can say is GRRRRRRRR!

None of this should probably bother me so much but it does.  I mean, no one is holding a gun to my head and making me do this...So why is it frustrating me so much?

Good Enough vs Not Good Enough

I've read alot about people accepting good enough and moving on without ever learning their full potential.  I think the opposite can be damaging as well.  I often think "not good enough"...it makes me so frustrated when I'm not good at something and I don't get there as quickly as I think I should and 90% of the time, I just give up.  I think a good balance is essential.  I think you need to develop recognition that you are good enough for now, can be better and will strive to be better.  I think either extreme is unhealthy.  I am extremely hard on myself, there's no one in this world that will criticize me more than I will.  I need to learn to be comfortable with my current capabilities and be alright with working on my weaknesses one step at a time without damaging my self worth and running away from things all the time.  Right now, I'm more out of my comfort zone than I ever have been and I'm teetering between giving up and moving forward and I'm really trying not to quit.

A Pit of Snakes and Tarantulas

Many people have their fears.  Mine happens to be public performances, worms, centipedes and deep water.  Unfortunately for me, I have to overcome one of those in order to get my blackbelt.  I ask you though,  please don't push me too hard.  A gentle nudge is ok, but I need to overcome it in my own way.  If your biggest fear was snakes and tarantulas and I asked you to jump into a pit of them, would you?  Probably not, you'd want to start off by being alright with pictures of them, then by being in the same room, then by maybe touching one and then by holding one.  If I told you that you had to jump in a pit full of them, you'd probably faint or run away.  This is how I feel when being pushed into public performances.  I don't want to feel like my decision has to be do it or quit.  I want to start gradually with dragon dance or something.  I'm willing to try but don't want to be overwhelmed.

Little Lion

I saw the little purple lion yesterday in the kids class.  I love it and it looks my size!  I have to work on my thigh muscles now so I can hold a horse stance for longer than 20 seconds and get in there!

Mumford and Sons

I missed class last night to go to Mumford and Sons.  I got tickets for my birthday.  It was awesome!  I'm a little tired and cranky today but its worth it.  I remember when I used to be able to stay out until 4am and be at work for 8am.  Those days are definitely gone. 

I'm still not logging, I don't know what to do to get my brain to remember.  I know I'm doing way more acts of kindness than I'm writing down because I feel guilty when I'm not nice when I have the chance to be.  All 20+ of you are sitting on my shoulder, acting as my conscience.

I'm worried about our upcoming demo.  It was really good, for over a month we had a good group of people that were able to diligently come to practice but for the past couple of weeks, that's seemed to go downhill and there are a couple people now that know they can't make it because of the date.  I'm not blaming anyone, most of you have very good and understandable reasons, it's just the circumstances.  I hope we practiced enough before hand that everything goes smoothly.  It's mostly the people for the fill in positions I'm nervous about because I didn't really give them all that much time to practice.  Like I said in my UBBT post though, I'm naturally a worrier.

Why are people not blogging anymore? I read them, it helps me with my struggles when I find some of you are having the same ones.  It also helps me to get to know you better, especially you guys that aren't at the kwoon that much.  At first I felt creepy about it but now I spend my lunch breaks reading blogs.  Don't give up, you're not allowed to quit!

Long Weekend

I was a little disappointed in the turn out for Friday's Demo practice.  It looks like I'm losing alot of the self defense portions as partners disappear.  To me, these parts are important.  It gives "meaning" to the forms we are showing for those who don't understand forms...I'm not sure if that makes sense or not, but it does in my head.  Regardless if I'm making sense or not, I hope this week we can get it all together without any absenses. 

For Sihing Janzen's challenge.  I'm not sure how I'm going to take a video and post it yet but I will try to figure it out.

Overwhelmed

There's so much to learn in so little time.  I'm just learning knife defenses, trying to learn Long 1, trying to learn how to do a backwards shoulder roll for Sei Chen (totally know I spelled that wrong), trying to organize a demo for the first time, trying to learn ropedart, learning to remember to log, trying to discipline myself into doing pushups and situps, etc, etc.  It's starting to be alot and trying to organize and prioritize everything gets difficult sometimes.  I periodically have to take a deep breath and sort everything out so I don't just get frustrated and quit because sometimes I feel alot of pressure that I'm sure alot of it I bring on myself.  It is a pretty darn good feeling when you finally get something though after trying for so long.  When you have those moments when something just clicks and your brain and body start working together, its awesome!  I just wish I had more of those.

RAKS-Opened door X 4, rescued a beetle from the office bathroom, picked up garbage, tried to win Mumford and Sons tickets for Josh's mom.  I just had some guy at Tim Hortons almost knock me over with door I opened for him and cough in my face so he didn't get the coffee I intended to buy for him, so I'll take that as a -1.

Need Sleep!

Ever since starting the I Ho Chaun I went from maybe 2 hours a week of kung fu to 5 classes and kung fu on my days off.  I'm exhausted.  I don't get home from my weekday classes until 10:30, then I'm to hyper to fall asleep right away so by the time I settle down its almost midnight.  Then my alarm goes off way to early and I'm not getting near enough sleep.  I had the habit of doing some situps, pushups and making a smoothie in the morning but that's been falling off the wagon lately as I've becoming much friendlier with my snooze button.  I've almost fallen asleep at work a few times and I can't keep going being as tired as I am.  I've tried several methods of relaxation after getting home so late; deep breathing, slower music, chamomile tea...it's not working...
I NEED REGULAR SLEEP AGAIN OR I WILL GO INSANE!

RAKs:  Made coffee for everyone at work, did dishes at work, opened door for someone, let 2 people in front of me in traffic, shared my cinnamon bun and made tea for girl at work.

Random Acts of Kindness #4

I'm having a hard time determining what to count as an act of kindness.  I do nice things for my animals all the time and for my family and Josh...Do these count?  I haven't been including them because I figured it should be something you wouldn't normally do or something for a stranger.  Maybe I should count everything.  I NEED TO REMEMBER TO LOG!!!  I'm going to figure out how to use my voice recorder tonight.

I called security at WEM to help a man that was passed out in the entrance and waited to see when they got there, I made conversation and smiled at the girl in the store that was obviously having a bad day, I gave Josh some of my crab dip (If you haven't noticed, I don't normally share food very well) Let 2 people in traffic, opened the door for a couple people, rescued an ant from 3 interested kitties.

Random Acts of Kindness #3

I gave my kitties new toys, let 4 people ahead of me in traffic, opened the door for 3 people, let Josh eat not 1 but 2 pieces of my delicious fudge (that should count as 1000 on its own) and ate a veggie burger, your welcome cow, don't let Mr. Fuhr find you.

Acts of Kindness #2

I'm glad for this challenge.  I read some of the blogs on my lunchbreak and there's lots of stuff I do that I wasn't even considering as acts of kindness, not that I remember to log most of the time anyway.  I have Josh picking me up a voice recorder.  I'm going to try that approach because 90% of the time, I am not logging.

I'm noticing that alot of the people that aren't blogging are the ones that are away from the kwoon for various reasons, such as work or family situations, etc.  Don't give up guys!!!  Post or send us videos of what you're up too.  I would even say that if you miss a class (the 2nd and 4th Friday or the monthly Saturday meeting)  Set an alarm for meeting time and stop wherever you are and take a picture of you doing pushups or situps and send it to us.  We could even post what we've talked about.  Let us know if we can do anything to help!

Acts of Kindness

I haven't felt like being nice to anyone yet this morning, it's not even 8 and I haven't had my coffee yet.  I kind of feel like people should be nice to me right now...

No Thanks!

It's come up a few times that I should be in the demo, yep, I probably should...originally I was planning something with Sihing Tymchuk, but it was a huge relief when he couldn't make it to some practices because he was out of town so I could pull us from the lineup. We did think it could be May. 11th, so we were under a time crunch.  Yay, I was off the hook.  It came up again last night that I should be in it.  My whole body got hot and I just wanted to leave.  I tried to practice something with Sifu Bryant for a bit, but it wasn't really working out.  I was too flustered by having so many people watching me and it was really only a few of you trying to help.  Fact, I don't get kung fu...I am not coordinated!  I don't have a problem with being corrected, but I get corrected on the same thing over and over and that frustrates me because my brain gets it but my body just goes ahead and does what it wants.  I don't feel like making an idiot of myself in front of anymore people than my orange belt class.  I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A DEMO!!!

I Missed Monday

I forgot to post why I missed class Monday.  I was in bed for a day and a half with a migraine, I didn't even go to work.

Sifu Lindstrom, I will be joining San Shao (Probably butchered the spelling) as soon as I can afford to, I promise.  My car is going to cost me about $600 more than expected so I will join ASAP, just not as soon as I initially thought.

See ya'll later!

Pandamonium

Pandamonium was great for the time I was there!  Perfect weather!  Super positive atmosphere!  Being in the bbq area allowed me to meet alot of people I had never spoken to before which was nice.  I'd like to do it again next year. 

I'm sad to say this was the first Pandamonium I've attended.  Not that I didn't want to help, It was just too hard for me to ask people for money so I was too embarrassed to attend.  I think next year I will make a goal for me to talk to 20 people about it, instead of a goal of $100.  If I make that a goal, the money will come and the money won't be so much of a focus for me as much as spreading awareness.

I'd like to hear more throughout the year about the girls we send to school...How are they doing?  Maybe send them letters?  Also, how are the animals we help?  How are the kids we provide wheelchairs for? 
It was also good to see a few of the students practicing outside.  I know the people were enjoying it, people were taking pictures and video taping you guys.  I think maybe next year if it's nice, we should plan to do this.  Maybe have a demo ready to do periodically throughout the day and lion dances more than once?

These are just my thoughts I had throughout the day.

About Me

Hello,

This is going to be nothing about kung fu.  I figured I'd post a little about myself in case anyone was curious.  If not, well, I'm posting it anyway. :)

I'm 34, born and raised mostly in Edmonton, lived in Ontario for 8 years and moved back 6 years ago.  I'm extremely shy when I first meet people but after I get used to you I don't shut up. I quit smoking 3 and a half years ago, the hardest and most rewarding thing I've ever done.  I love animals and have 3 rescued cats, 2 rescued bearded dragons and rescued a corn snake that lives with Josh.  If I had the space, I'd rescue way more than that but as it stands I'm already over my pet allowance by my landlord.  I love solid colors like red, indigo blue, dark purple, etc., I dislike pastels.  I love horror movies and psychological thrillers, action, and comedy.  I'm not much for romance.  Dear John was one of the worst movies I have ever seen.  If I eat candy like Smarties or M&Ms its a must that I seperate the colors first, I absolutely cannot have mixed up colors in my mouth at the same time.  My dream job would be some sort of animal trainer, preferably a dolphin trainer in Hawaii somewhere, even though, I can't swim.  I love Hagaan Daaz Peanut Butter/Chocolate Ice Cream...LOVE IT!  I can be bribed to do almost anything if you give me that stuff.  I absolutely love music and concerts.  My favorite genres are rock and alternative but I have very eclectic music taste and can be caught listening to anything based on the mood I'm in.  One of my favorite artists is Xavier Rudd, he is amazing, even better live and just a great human being in general.

Anyway, there's some random, useless facts about me!  If you see me around, come introduce yourself!

Thank You!

Thank you guys for allowing me to attempt my first demo.  To be honest, when I volunteered I was 110% sure someone would step up over me and take over.  When Sifu Rybak gave me the go ahead, I thought, well, she must not have seen how horrible I am at kung fu, I'll give it a couple days for someone to tell her and for sure someone will take over.  No one did which caused a couple sleepless nights when I realized what I had done to myself.

Then I thought, well, if I were a black belt, I'd let a lower belt level try and be there in case things started going south, so why not give it a go.  Plus, I was around a team of higher belts that would keep me in line anyway, so how bad could it be? 

I'm actually really happy I stuck with it.  I didn't even know 90% of you.  I had to creep on you all and figure out who everyone was before the first practice.  It's been awesome getting to know all of you.  If I hadn't done this, would I have talked to any of you?  Gotten to know your first names aren't Sihing or Sifu?  Found out what you did for a living?  Nope, I would've sat in a corner somewhere by myself.

The part I struggled with was speaking up and cutting people that couldn't make it out to practice.  I struggled alot with this as a lower belt and thought it wasn't my place to do such things.  I spoke about this in a previous blog so I won't say much more about it.

Anyway,  I think I've done as much as I can with this demo and will leave the final critiquing to the people who actually know what they're doing.  Shout out to Sifus Rybak, Playter and Wetter for being so supportive!  Thanks everyone for all your help, encouragement and letting me try!

A Vicious Circle of Suck

My forms and combinations suck! I know I'm doing a bunch of things wrong but I can't do them in front of people to get corrected to do them right and when I have to do them in front of people in class I start doing random basic things wrong or completely get confused and start doing the wrong form halfway through.  I have this total paralyzing fear of being watched doing kung fu which seems to render my limbs useless, this also happens when I spar too, I seem to just get hit alot.  I was told it is a bad example for me to organize the demo and not be in it.  That makes me feel bad but it makes me feel much worse the thought of having to do kung fu in front of everyone.  I'm going to try to do a self defense thing for 10 seconds, I hope I can at least manage that.  I used to even try to be farthest away from the benches if there was anyone there watching a class.  I don't know why I have this irrational fear, I just do and it sucks!

Demo Dilemma

Well, I'm not entirely sure what possessed me to organize the first demo.  Especially since I haven't even ever been involved with one.  I think I might give my mom a call and see how many times she dropped me on my head as a child.  As an orange belt it's really difficult to speak up and say what you think when surrounded by so many higher belts.  I started off trying to appease everyone and realized very quickly that won't happen.  I completely understand alot of the reasons behind not being able to make it to practices.  Family, classes, work, sickness...all very good reasons.  I personally know what it's like to not see much of a significant other and it sucks for me to have to watch people having to make the decision in either telling their spouse they can't spend the evening with them as planned or having to tell your I Ho Chaun team mates that you can't make practice.  Either way, you're disappointing someone.  So at first I tried to hold a spot for everyone.  That didn't work out so well.  After watching a group of 8-10 people consistently showing up, trying to practice without their partners...well, this didn't seem fair either.
So what do you do?  For me it's tough, especially coming from where I am in the heiarchy.  I had to make difficult decisions and pull people from areas that they wanted to be in simply so we have the potential to have something ready in case this demo is in a week. 
I see myself doing this very differently in the future if I'm ever crazy enough to do it again.

I Slept Through Class

I said I would post why I missed a class for now on so here it is...

I was not at class yesterday because I sat down to eat at 5:30, the next thing I knew I looked at my clock at it was 8:23.  I fell asleep.  I struggle with these later classes and having to be up so early the next day.  I'm hoping my body adjusts eventually.  Monday and Wednesday nights I get home at 10:30 and I'm up until almost midnight if not later, then waking up to go to work.  How did everyone get through this as an orange belt?

Jealousy

I've spent most of my life being jealous of those that are good at things that I would want to be good at. Or I'd try something and just quit right away because I felt I wasn't good enough. What a stupid thing to waste time on.  I was always to embarrassed to be in front of people learning something new.  Still am, but I'm forcing myself out of that habit.  I'm learning to be ok with sucking for now and one day slowly, there will be things I don't suck at.  I am no longer allowing fear of failing stop me from doing anything.  I'm living my life off my couch now and loving it. 

Thank you all for allowing me to attemp to organize our first demo.  I apologize for being so wishy washy and not getting it together better.  I'm intimidated working around so many great martial artists and I don't want to get 20 ninjas mad at me.

Warm Ups are Scary

Well, it happened, I lead my first warm up.  People came up to me and said I didn't seem nervous at all and I did a good job.  You people are so nice.  I don't know how that is possible.  I feel really hot like you do before you're about to faint and my knees shake.  If I come across as confident, it's a pretty good facade I've got going on.  Regardless, I hope that's the last one I have to do for awhile, I was not prepared for that.

We did forms yesterday, I'm not sure why but I get all flustered and confused when doing group forms class.  I do the wrong form half way through and start messing up very basic things.  It took me months, almost a year before I could do my first form in class, even though I had been doing it months by myself at home.  I don't know why I got this irrational fear of having anyone watch me do anything.  Oh well, I guess I'll just keep trying.

On another note, I'm really sad about the senseless violence over in Boston yesterday.  What drives people to do these things?  I can't even watch or read the news anymore, I don't even like alot of these abuse posts that come up on my facebook.  I can't handle it.  It makes it so difficult to be nice to people and not live in constant fear.  I understand why I have to do it though, everyone has a responsibility to make this world better.

Have a good week Snake Team!

Guilt

I'm starting to feel guilty, when I miss class, when I eat McDonalds, when I'm not practicing when I know I should be.  Saturday I was at Shaolin Fitness.  That class kills me, I can't breath and my whole body is shaky when I'm finished.  I practiced rope dart for a bit after and went to get a well needed snack.  When I got back I went to the changeroom to wait for our I Ho Chaun meeting.  There was a Sifu practicing kicks in there while she waited for the same meeting.  I know I should've been doing the same thing but I just sat there and watched.  I didn't want to move a muscle.  In fact all I could think of was a nap.  When she was done we discussed pushups and situps, I told her that I was only doing 20, I couldn't do anymore.  She told me I could and gave me suggestions on different modified things that I could do since I'm having problems with my core not being strong enough yet.  I was only counting full pushups and situps because those are what counts during a fitness test.  I didn't know how it would look if I counted all these numbers but couldn't actually do the proper techniques in class.  What kind of modified situps and pushups do you guys count, if any?  I have problems staying straight and holding my core after 10 pushups, my back isn't strong enough yet, nor are my shoulders.  Also crunches and situps are a problem, again they hurt my back as well.  I also need tips on how to keep breathing properly during fitness class.  I try to breath slowly and into my diaphragm but I still end up taking shallow breaths and not get enough oxyjen.

Anything suggestions you have are appreciated.  I want to get to 75 of each a day before next meeting AND I want to LOG them!

Why Kung Fu?

I often wonder why I keep going to kung fu.  I wondered that again last night after doing a fitness class that made me re-taste my dinner.  It wouldn't be so bad if I felt like I did a great job but hearing everyone around me count 49-50-51-52... while I'm doing twwoooo *wheeze* threeeee *gasp* foouur *bigger gasp*... I consistently feel like the slow kid in the back of the class that no-one wants to partner up with, but we all know someone has to.  My life a few years ago was so much easier and alot less embarrassing.  So why do I keep going?  No idea, Maybe future black belt Lindsay will be able to tell you, maybe not.  Maybe I just like to torture myself.  Sigh...

Things Are Changing

I'm not remembering to log things, I'm only doing 20 pushups and situps per day if I remember.  I don't have rounds of sparring logged and haven't been remembering to work on my hand form...but I am changing from who I was 2 months ago.

There was a guy I've worked with for the past year.  He's always complaining, angry, cursing about everything and just someone in general that I avoided and couldn't be bothered dealing with unless I absolutely had to.  Over the past couple months I consciously decided to look him in the eyes, smile and say good morning or hello everytime I saw him.  About a month ago he started to smile and say hi back.  Within the past couple weeks he now stops to talk to me in my office or when he sees me on site.  I've learned alot about him.  His family is all back in Germany and he has been here alone for years to make money for them.  He's lonely.  I didn't realize such a slight change in my attitude would drastically change a work relationship that before was non existent.

Change is very hard and I struggle with being a better person everyday, but I'm a work in progress and will keep trying.

Just Me and My Buckleys

Well, this diet thing has been pretty easy the past 5 days since I was living off soup and tea.  I got hit pretty hard with a pretty bad head cold.  I couldn't breath for 4 days.

Honestly though for the April diet, I'm doing way better than anticipated.  I actually gave away ALL my Easter chocolate.  I'm not sacrificing chocolate completely but if its not conveniently in my cupboard, I won't be tempted to gorge myself with it.  I have to want it bad enough to travel to the store and buy it.  So far, I haven't wanted it that badly yet.  I've also been making smoothies in the morning.  The night before I put my frozen fruit in a Magic Bullet cup and the next morning it takes me 2 minutes to make my breakfast.  My new 2 minute breakfast actually allows me time in the morning to get in some pushups and crunches and I'm not waking up any earlier.  Yay Me!!!

Now that I got that part sorted out, I wish I can get myself remembering to log things.  I've even put my book on my coffee table, by my bed or carried it with me and I'm not remembering.  Sigh, I hope I get it eventually.

Anyway, if you want to try my smoothie, I put in one small cube of frozen spinach, equal parts of strawberry, blueberry and pineapple, one small package of Greek yogurt and fill the rest of the space with cranberry juice.

Have a good week!

I'm Getting Beat Up By My Sparring Gear

Hello All!  I sparred with my sparring gear for the first time last night.  It really hurt my feet, it felt like the bottom of my feet were being cut up, they weren't but it sure felt like it, and my toes kept getting caught and I thought I was going to break a toe.  Is this normal at first because I'm not used to it, or should I get new sparring gear?

One Foot In Front Of The Other

I was re-reading my posts.  I'm hoping they aren't coming across as negative.  I'm not trying to be, just trying to be as honest as possible.  I'm a very self aware, realistic person.  I know my strengths and weakness, right now I'm trying to work on the latter.  I woke up today and decided to do some pushups and situps, its amazing how much you regress when you skip a couple of weeks.  I struggled with my regular 20, sad, I know.  I know I'll get back into it now that I'll be back in class tonight.

I have also been working on the diet thing.  I'm an awful eater, hate to cook and will avoid it at all costs.  I'm starting off with the breakfasts and lunches and what I snack on throughout the day.  I have also told Josh, he will be taking half my Easter chocolate.  The thought is bringing a tear to my eye.  Me and chocolate are really good friends.  I've been bringing smoothies to work for me for breakfasts for a week.  I brought apples to snack on and I have a vinegar and oil dressing for the salads I'll be getting from the Subway across the street.  I also am taking my vitamins again.  I'm still struggling with the dinner thing, I cook for one and dislike being in a kitchen.  One thing at a time!

Here's hoping I can stick with all this...Even past April.

Back In Action

I will be back in classes tomorrow!  My company truck has been fixed, my personal vehicle is still patiently waiting in line.  You'd think being at home, I would practice lots since I'm not in class. Quite the opposite with me.  The less I'm at the Kwoon the less motivated I am to do anything kung fu related.  In fact, I looked at my numbers and didn't log a single thing.  I think this is a prime example of why staying engaged is so important, its so easy to detach yourself from training.  Now not only do I feel guilty for not practicing, I'm going to be all upset about the fact I'm behind again.  It's my fault and no one elses, I chose what to do with my time, now I have to deal with it and put one foot in front of the other.

Hello Everyone!

Monday and Tuesday are normally the days I update my blog from work on my lunch break.  I'm currently getting my safety program audited and unfortunately don't have time to write much.  My work truck will be fixed this Thursday and should be able to attend regular classes again next week.  I just wanted to wish you all a good week and Happy Easter!

Ropedarts and Furniture Don't Get Along

Didn't make it to class last night, my work truck still hasn't had the engine checked and I don't want to get stuck on the highway at 10pm during the week.  Fridays and Saturdays should be ok, if I get stuck it's earlier on the weekend and people will be more willing to come grab my stranded butt.  I tried to learn something new with my ropedart and successfully knocked over a stack of books and a lamp.  Probably shouldn't practice ropedart inside anymore if I want my damage deposit back.  I think I've got the gist of it though and will try again during practice on Friday.  This snow really needs to melt.

Have a good weekend!

Acts of Kindness

I cannot believe the internal dialogue going on inside my head since starting I Ho Chaun.  1000 Acts Of Kindness, easy peasy right...Well, not if you are actually looking at all the times you could be kind but aren't.  It's easy to open a door for someone when they're right behind you, but when you consciously look around at the world and see all the things you don't do, it's hard to feel like your that good of a person at all.  I'm trying to break that habit of being a judgemental do gooder.  It's hard to want to do nice thing for someone you feel doesn't deserve it or if you're in a hurry.  It's easier to be a jerk and not let that guy with the annoyingly loud hip hop music in front of you in traffic or give that mom with 5 screaming children a dirty look or get mad at that person that walks through that door you opened for them without even acknowledging your existence.  I'm trying hard not to get angry about people not saying thank you, I'm well aware that I'm only harming myself but it's easier said then done.  I've learned that I'm especially not nice when I'm in a hurry so I've made a decision to give myself 15 extra minutes to do anything I need to do.  It's the easiest, most difficult challenge I've ever done.  I'm not sure I like trying to be a better person.

A Waste of a Week

Well...I'm going to be honest here.  Last week I didn't make it to any classes.  The first part of the week I'm not sure what was wrong with me but I could barely stay awake and was in bed by 7:30 at the latest.  The later part of the week, I didn't have access to a vehicle that would've been ok to drive in the weather we had.  I'm still waiting for my tax return to fix my own personal vehicle. 

Missing class, I should've practiced, but did I?  No.  I was tired, and couldn't for the life of me motivate myself to move from the couch.  I often have problems motivating myself on my best days.  It seems that if I have a place to go like the kwoon, I'm ok.  Ask me to do stuff at home and I'll find a million other things to distract me or a million reasons why I can't.  I think because of this, any time I miss a class I will post here as to why I was gone and what I practiced at home instead.  If I don't have a good reason, at least this way I'll feel pretty stupid posting a lame excuse like I felt like watching Walking Dead DVDs instead.  I am trying, but I'm not doing the best that I can right now, I can do better.  I need to make better choices, old habits are hard to break.  I'm starting to feel guilty now when I'm not there.

Just so you guys know, I won't be making it to class tonight, hopefully this will be the last one I miss.  I will practice my forms at home and attempt to make my new ropedart.

Yes Sifu!

Does anyone else accidentally say Yes Sifu and bow when someone asks you if that makes sense?  Or is it just me?  I'm pretty sure there's alot of people out there thinking I'm missing some brain cells, including my first aid instructor.  Oops!

Hi, My Name Is...

We had our first meeting as the Snake team.  I felt pretty awkward.  Everyone was taking their turns sharing their progress so far and all I could feel was my face heat up and my palms getting sweaty as I patiently waited my turn.  As you guys probably guessed, words tend to fall out of my mouth when I'm nervous with no thought of trying to form a cohesive sentence.  I've always been like that.  The faster I talk, the more nervous I am.

I'm still not sure where I fit in.  I'm pretty low on the food chain and am uncomfortable asking for help because I don't want to bother anyone.  I guess as time goes, I'll find my groove.

I'm trying to learn patience with myself right now, easier said than done.  The frustration keeps setting in as soon as I can't immediately do something, but I'm learning.  It'll be a slow process.

Have a good week Snake Team!

Black Belts are People too

Reading blogs and being more open with others in the kwoon has made me start to realize I'm not alone.  Many of the fears and struggles I am having are shared among many others.  I am not the only one on the verge of vomiting at the thought of public performances.  I'm not the only one that struggles with injuries, doubts and many other obstacles that interfere with training and getting better.  It's still really hard to deal with but talking about it helps a little.  I'm still embarrassed to try new things with my ropedart in a room full of experienced martial artists, I'm hoping I get over that.  I really want to try a neck wrap but am nervous that someone may be watching and I turn into a big chicken.  I hope I don't turn red and pass out the first time Sifu Brinker asks me to show him something.  Eek!

One Small Victory

Well, since starting I'm doing miserably with tracking things. I'm not writing what I'm doing down.  I'm going to have to try a few different techniques to make me remember.  Maybe set an alarm or something.  I'll keep trying until I find something that works for me.
 
I've also been noticing how many mistakes I've been making with my forms.  I'm not even doing bow stances right and can't seem to land in a proper one.  It's like as soon as I learn one new things, other stuff falls out of my head.  I'm starting to get frustrated again.  Learning the orange belt curriculum and doing I Ho Chuan is alot of kung fu for me and it's taking me awhile to get into the swing of things.  I'll get it eventually.  I'm hoping one day I'll wake up and all of a sudden things will just click.

One awesome thing happened on Saturday though,  I actually learned to do something with my rope dart!  It was the best feeling ever.  I was so into it, I didn't even notice that there were people around, which allowed me just to learn without feeling awkward or embarrassed.  I hope I can zone in like that again so I can keep learning new things.  I really didn't expect rope dart to be so physical though, I knew it would be hard getting the coordination but I got home and my shoulder hurt alot and underneath my arm was all black and blue.  I hope I can learn more things and that it'll be all worth it.

2 Weeks In

Well, it's been a little over 2 weeks now.  How am I doing? 

I had my first I Ho Chaun class on Friday.  I was really nervous and not sure why.  Probably because I didn't know what to expect.  It was actually alot of fun.  I was really happy that some Sifus were so ready and willing to help me.  I wasn't expecting that and it was really appreciated.  I've always loved the rope dart and admired people that knew how to use one.  Now here's the problem.  I tried over and over on Saturday to learn a single thing that I was taught to do and I still can't get it.  Should I keep trying or should I change to an easier weapon?  I love the ropedart but I don't think that a form consisting of me wrapping myself up and hitting myself in the face alot is going to cut it.  At the same time too, this is my first weapon and I knew it would be hard with my lack of coordination to be able to conquer it.  Maybe I should just keep trying and be ok with sucking this year.  I'm not sure what I should do.

I'm struggling with the requirements part too.  I'm only managing 20 pushups and 20 situps per day and am finding it hard.  My shoulders are sore and I have discovered I have an ab because that hurts too.  I'm also forgetting to log everything.  I know I'm doing nice things for people, I just can't seem to remember to write them down.

I'm learning very quickly that it's my mind that's going to cause me to fail and possibly at some point quit kung fu.  I keep comparing myself to people in a bad way.  I'm always hard on myself and feel that I don't pick up on things nearly as fast as I should.  I'm frustrated very frequently.  Realistically though when I look back at myself 3 years ago, I quit smoking and I don't lay around nearly half as much.  I had a job which caused me to throw my body out of wack and have had many problems with my left hip, knee and rib. I'm just fixing that along with my right elbow.  I know that physical things are easy to get better at if you just keep trying, it's my brain that's holding me back.  Learning to drop the ego is easier said than done.  That's my major goal this year.  I have to learn to stop over analyzing everything and just be me, at my pace and stop being so darn negative.  I need to learn to relax, breath, be patient, work hard and don't give up.  Maybe this answers my previous question about the rope dart...Hmmm?

First Time Sparring

We did some very light sparring yesterday in class.  It was my first time doing this.  I found myself getting extremely frustrated.  I didn't know what to do with my arms and legs, they were like useless apendages just hanging there.  I kept dropping my guards even when I kept telling myself not too.  I couldn't block, I couldn't counter.  It's like my brain completely turned off.  Right now as I type this I feel like I never want to spar ever again.  Not because I'm afraid that I'm going to get hurt, but because I have that deer in the headlights feeling that renders me completely useless and I hate that.

Fear of the Unknown

Yay!  I explained to my boss my situation and that I do not want to miss Kung Fu.  I see all the people that started with me getting their blue belts or close to it and wonder, if I hadn't missed so much because of injuries, would I be there?  I don't want to do that again.  He agreed to allow me to temporarily use the work truck.
Now that I've got that sorted out all I have is a sense of fear.  I watch the demos, they were awesome...My stomach turned and I wanted to vomit just with the thought of possibly being up there next year.  I need to fight it.  I absolutely hate being in front of a bunch of people.  It's a completely irrational fear that I can't explain, but it's there, loud and clear, telling me to run as fast as I can away from the Kwoon. 
I need to beat this...
I will never learn ropedart
I will never get a blackbelt
I will never be brave
...Unless I do.

It's Not My Fault!

I'm about the most reliable, unreliable person I know.  Let's use this weekend as an example.  I fully intended on coming out to help set up for the banquet this weekend.  Put the time and date in my phone, on my calendar and on the white board on my fridge. I'm ready!  Friday comes, the front end of my car has been a bit wobly, I hit a pothole and the whole thing starts to shake badly.  I get to the closest mechanics shop and wait 3 hours to find out it's completely undrivable.  My suspension has seized on the left side of my car and is shot on the right.  Let me mention too, that I just got this car a new clutch, new tie rods and new sparkplugs all within the past month.  So fuming and dissappointed, I park it, get a hold of my boss and explain to him that I have a banquet I need to set up for, could I please, please, please borrow a work truck.  He says yes.  Great!  I'm ready!  Get up in the morning to my cat acting really weird.  He was digging in the litter box for over an hour, I go take a look and see what he's doing.  He's climbing in and out, looking like he's trying to go to the bathroom but nothing is coming out.  I call the vet, he tells me to get him in right away because he could have a blockage that would require emergency surgery.  I called Silent River to tell Sifu that I wouldn't make it.  Luckily for my cat, he just needed medication and now a special food, unlucky for me, I have to pay for this.

This is not an isolated event.  It's actually quite normal for me.  I would make quite a comical character in a sitcom.  I have given myself a blackeye with a drill a day before Christmas Eve, dropped my table on my foot and fractured it in the middle of moving, had my car drive itself in the middle of 51st ave with me chasing it (True Story) I could go on and on.

I wish I could be reliable, the universe just won't let me.

I won't be in Kung Fu for awhile, I don't have a vehicle.  I will however, practice my shoulder rolls and forms as much as I can until I return.  Bad luck can only last with one person so long right?  It's gotten so ridiculous all I can do is laugh.

How I Meditate

Ok, so tonight I'm going to calm my mind and get myself in a relaxed state.  Quiet room, check.  All nice and comfy, check.  Oh crap, did I turn off the oven...Ok, lets try this again.  Deep breath in, deep breath out, nice calming breaths...Oh no, totally forgot to call that guy back at work today, I have to do that first thing.  FOCUS!...Breathe...Did I remember to put toothpaste on my grocery list?  SERIOUSLY FOCUS!  Ok, I can't sit still and do this.  Let's try Awakening the Dragon.  Deep breath in, Deep breath out,  wait is it three of these or six of these or two sets of 3 which equals six.  NOT THE POINT! Relax!  Not working, maybe if I lay down.  Try to imagine laying on a nice, warm beach. Again, deep breaths...I think my cat is eating my toilet paper.  SERIOUSLY! How do people do this?!  Sigh...

Shoulder Rolls

Shoulder rolls have always been a nemesis of mine.  I don't roll, I flop awkwardly like a fish on dry land and generally end up with a bruised hip.  Because of this, I generally avoid them at all costs.  Last night in class we were learning a form that requires a backwards one.  I knew this day would come...
Thanks to Sihing Robinson, Sihing Tymchuk and Mr. Hamilton surrounding me after class and trying different suggestions of how to get my legs to cooperate and go in the direction I want them too, I finally did something that resembled more of a roll than a flop.  Now I just need to practice this because I know I can do it...Sorta.

Thanks guys!