Fixing Weaknesses

I'm trying to make some changes so I'm more consistent with my training. I'm doing better than last year but I notice I start to go downhill with push-ups, sit-ups and posting closer to the end of the week. I need to focus on my weekends better. I've also been changing the way I do things. The route I was taking to work was making me consistently angry so I started taking another direction which takes me a bit longer but I'm avoiding people slamming on their brakes while trying to merge on the highway. I'm also changing the time I grocery shop. I can't stand busy grocery stores and would get frustrated maneuvering around people and getting pushed so I go later at night when it's less busy instead of Saturday or Sunday mornings. Small things, but they make a difference to my mind set. I'm not changing what I'm doing, just when I'm doing it. Seems to make a difference so far.

Blogging

Blogging never used to be hard for me. It's not until this past 6 months or so that I've had problems. It's mainly because I have so many different thoughts going through my head, when I write them down it turns out to be a bunch of randomness that wouldn't make sense to anyone but me. I'm finding that lately with anything I seem to write down. I re read some emails I send and then pray that someone would invent an unsend button.

I know to most of you it looks like I haven't made any sort of progress this year. Physically, not so much. Mentally, a tremendous amount, as long as you're not judging me based on my random blogs and confusing emails. :) I'm not sure how to share it with you but I know that I feel a lot different, and the things I value and that are important to me changed. I feel a lot better about myself and the decisions I am making. It won't be easy, but I hope it continues.

Still Here!

I'm a bit frustrated. I was doing so much better and able to start regularly attending my classes. Then, I got hit with a cold/flu that kicked the crap out of me for over 2 weeks. I'm still pretty congested and have to catch up at work with all the stuff that piled up when I was gone. It's pretty discouraging spending such little time at the kwoon this past year with everything that's been going on. It makes it so hard to stay engaged and makes it even harder to want to show up at all. I feel like a disappointment to those who I made deals with this year and haven't been able to keep up my end of the bargain. It sucks, but I suppose overcoming obstacles is part of the never ending journey. Not that I've given up but I'm hoping I've got my bad I Ho Chaun year out of the way and I'm on to better ones. I'm going to have to work hard to gain back my credibility once I feel better again. Sorry guys!

One month - No meat. I'm learning a lot about food. It's still really difficult but I'm hanging in there. I've also been finding really good products that are animal friendly. :)

Where's The Beef?

Let me start of by saying, I love the Keg and Brazilian Steakhouse. I love chicken wing night at Hudsons. I love the ultimate feast at Red Lobster and have no problem eating the entire thing. I hate broccoli and a majority of everything that grows from the ground. So why am I saying this? Because for the past 2 weeks I have been eating a vegetarian diet. For personal reasons I have given up meat, and man, is it ever hard. I feel hungry all the time and I seem to be eating too many carbs and junk food to fill me up. I'm sure that will change as I learn more things to make that I actually enjoy. I'm learning what to add to my food to supplement protein and ordering vegetarian cookbooks which I never thought I would see in my house. So wish me luck...I miss bacon the most.

I have been able to bring myself into the moment and calm my brain occasionally. That NEVER happened before. I hope I can do it more often as I notice the things around me more in that mindset and it is so wonderfully peaceful. I asked someone yesterday if they noticed how beautiful the frosty trees were with the sunrise in the morning. They said no, and I smiled because a year ago I don't think I would have either.

I also managed to calm my brain last class. I feel so awkward and anxious when someone is watching me or I feel like I'm being watched even when I'm not. Most of the time that feeling causes my brain to stop absorbing information because the nerves take over. After about 15 minutes in to last class I calmed myself down and was able to just enjoy my class. I hope I can keep doing that because it's not easy for me.

Anyway, that's what's up with me this week. I'm hoping we all have a strong finish to the horse team and that I can keep increasing my push-ups into the year of the sheep.

Aware

Lately I've been keenly aware of how my actions affect others. Everything I choose to do will have an impact on someone or something around me. Everything I buy to everything I eat will have a negative or positive impact on a person, an animal or the planet. Now I just have to decide whether I want to do the right things or the easy things.

Kindnesses and Stuff

As I brought up in the I Ho Chaun meeting, I've been having some problems with kindnesses which I'm pretty sure made me sound like a terrible person. I was talking about it with Josh and he said I have a problem with articulating things properly when I'm feeling strongly about something. For the record, I have no issues with things like opening doors for someone, saying thank you, and general manners and being considerate. I have no issues with empathizing with people who may be having a bad day and may be acting different than they normally would because of that. I never thought of myself as someone who expects anything in return from doing a kindness for someone, but maybe I am, because I do get a little sad when someone doesn't even acknowledge my existence after I've opened a door for them, but I don't let that affect my day.

What I'm having a problem with is learning how to deal with mean and difficult people in a kinder way. My job is one where I deal with people complaining and fighting with each other all the time. One of the project managers nicknamed me "Mother Theresa" because it always seems I'm diffusing situations. I've also been getting shoved around and getting taken advantage a lot lately and I've been biting my tongue and feeling like a doormat. I'm not sure how to deal with these situations without being mean myself. I suppose this is an anger management problem and not a kindness problem but I still need to learn how to say things to stick up for myself in the "right" way.

This has been a rough I Ho Chaun year for me but I'm happy about a couple things. I've finally figured out a way to log which works for me. Seeing Mr. Smid's posts reminds me when I forgot and I've logged a lot more than I did last year. I've also been able to remember to do something almost everyday. Last year weeks would go by and I would put off doing pushups. This year I don't miss more than a couple days, a few at most. I reset every Monday no matter how bad the week has gone. I know that I'm not hitting my numbers but I've gotten stronger since the beginning of the year. So I'm good with that.

I missed all my classes this week. Josh was really sick and I started getting it at the beginning of the week. It didn't progress to anything too bad for me but it was enough that I felt really crappy by the time I got home from work. Hopefully next week goes better.

Hello Out There

It's so hard to post when you are in a negative headspace like I've been. I am starting to feel better though, which is great. The pain I was experiencing is less frequent and I don't feel like I'm constantly walking around in a fog. I'm feeling a lot more like myself, which I'm so grateful for because I thought I was losing my mind.

Now, Kung fu...hmmmm...well, quitting has definitely been on the forefront of my mind but I'm trying to sort out the reasons for that and see if I can fix them. I watch people like Sifu Playter at class and see what he's accomplished and know how hard he's worked to get there and it makes me wonder if I could ever have that much discipline to be that good. I think about my life before Kung fu and the I Ho Chaun and how easy it was. Didn't matter to me if I did pushups and sit-ups or who I spent my time with or what I spent my time doing. Didn't matter if I read a book or watched TV. Didn't matter if I opened a door for someone or if I flipped someone off in traffic or if I ate an apple or a Snickers bar. Now all those things matter to me and it's so much harder to make the right choices. That being said, I do feel better about myself and surround myself with people who expect more out of me. I feel good when I've made the right decisions. I'm more awake after doing pushups and sit-ups in the morning. I feel better about living my life instead of wasting away on my couch watching re runs with a bag of Doritos. For some reason I feel it should be easier to do the right thing since it is positive, so why do I struggle so much with it?

Now classes. My brain seems to turn off when learning techniques, forms or combinations. I have a 2 things at once limit. Typically I can learn things fairly quickly, but when it comes to anything requiring coordination, my brain decides it doesn't want to work anymore. If I'm learning something new, like a form I have to learn one or two parts and repeat them over and over before I can add to it. If I learn more than that, I'm lost and won't remember anything I was taught. I've left class several times feeling frustrated and forgetting everything I learned as soon as I've walked out the door. I know that people are able to retain much more than I can, so I'm going to try to be patient and learn at my own pace and try not to feel so stupid about it. I know that when I'm not enjoying a class it's because I'm frustrated with myself and comparing myself to others, which is a habit I need to break and start just having fun again.

When I was told at white belt that kung fu meant hard work, I didn't expect the mental side of it. Life's full of surprises.

I hope this blog made sense. See you on the mats!

The Domino Effect

First it starts with not feeling well and missing classes, then you feel ok but think, what's the point in going, I've missed so much anyway. Then you stop practicing kung fu. Then you stop doing pushups and situps, then finally all heck breaks loose and you're eating like crap and don't really feel like being nice to anyone. Then...your goal...quit completely. I mean, what's the point right, might as well start over somewhere else where they don't know me...a fresh start when I feel better? Wouldn't that be so much easier? Yes, but I'm not sure I've been known to do things the easy way. Here I go again, back to square one.

My Apologies

I'm aware I haven't been the best team mate or student. I keep saying I'm going to come to classes and then don't make it. I don't like it when people are unreliable but here I am being the same thing I don't like. I apologize for this.

I don't want to go into detail why. I just want you guys to know, it's not like I am just skipping classes. I do admit there has been a couple times when I just didn't feel like going to my core classes or I had a dinner to go to, but the majority of it is from legitimate medical reasons. I'm on an experimental restricted diet, and I'm struggling to follow it so far. It's hard to predict how I'll feel hour by hour. I'm just trying this on advice from my new doctor while I wait to see another specialist.

Now saying that, there definitely are times I could be practicing at home, but have been choosing not too. There's not really a reason for me not to practice at some point during the day. I just have to get better at that so I can maintain what I do know and keep up on my forms because I've been forgetting them. I need to work on the self motivation. I don't want to end up lazy again.

Happy Anniversary!

Happy 5 year non-smoking anniversary to me! The best thing I've ever done for myself. :)

Still Here

Well, I've come to terms that I'll probably be an orange belt for a long time. I haven't even done knife defence in almost a year and I forget a lot of it and I keep doing some sort of Long/Lao Gar hybrid and I still can't get the backwards shoulder roll in Sei Chen (no idea how to spell it)... So good thing I like orange.

I still haven't totally given up though. I'm doing things to help my Kung fu in my own way. I started Hatha Yoga to help with my strength and flexibility. I was pretty nervous to try it because it's something I didn't picture myself doing but I ended up really liking it. I'm going to try to keep doing 1-2 classes every week as well as making more of an effort to attend the advanced class so I'm at least doing as much of the stuff as I can. It's getting easier for me to not show up the longer I am away.

I was way better at doing my daily requirements when I was posting everyday, now that it's not easy for me to do wherever I am, it's easier for me to slack off because I don't feel the accountability. Posting my numbers was really working for me. I have to find another way. Plus, I liked posting for the people who couldn't make class so that they knew what we covered and weren't left out. Stupid Google+! I don't like change! :)

Hello!

I haven't blogged since boot camp. It's definitely hard to blog when you're feeling negative about things. I realize it's not Kung fu that's causing the negativity but other things bleeding into Kung fu. It'll probably get a lot better when I figure out what is physically wrong with me. I'm having a hard time coming to class because I don't want to feel like a black cloud over everyone, that's the last thing I want.

I've been talking about trying yoga for awhile, I've been putting it off because I'm not really a yoga type of person but I see the benefit in it. I visited a studio 10 minutes from my house and will be starting this week. They do meditation classes too which I may try. Everyone I talk too says they feel so relaxed after a yoga session. I'm also going to start using my benefits to get massages to loosen up my muscles. I'm hoping this helps me gain more flexibility in my kicks and also helps me relax. My plan is to do my 2 classes of Kung fu, my I Ho Chaun class, 2 classes of yoga and a cardio class of some sort at the gym per week. Sifu Playter suggested learning to juggle to help calm frustration while maintaining physical control. I can for sure see that helping a lot.

Anyway, this is where I'm at. Thanks Mrs. Csillag for reminding me to blog. I do better when I have people holding me accountable.

OUCH!

I went to bootcamp again this year. Many people wonder why I would do such a thing to myself, well, the day after I'm not too sure either. All I can say is OUCH!!!! I seriously don't remember my body hurting this much last year...or I forgot. I like to see where I've improved and what I need to work on and how far I can push my body past the pain and wanting to give up. It's always a really good day. All my numbers decreased from last year, except for my pushups and thrust kicks. This is no surprise. Last year I was going to classes consistently and doing Shaolin Fitness. This year, not the case, so it's expected that I'd be slower. I'm pretty proud of my pushups though. A few months ago, I could barely do 3 and I did 22 for the fitness test and didn't drop to my knees or arch my back. Also, I broke a board with a thrust kick! :) Yay me! I took a few tries but I finally did it. I can totally tell the difference with bad technique and aim and opposed to good. when I was throwing the kick incorrectly, I couldn't break it, as soon as I changed my technique, it broke through like nothing and I didn't even feel it. That was pretty awesome. I'm going to have to practice more now so I can start breaking with my hands.

There was a younger white belt at bootcamp this year, I got her first name, but I'm not sure what her last name is. She was so inspiring. My guess is that she's about 12 or 13 years old, I'm bad at guessing age. I partnered with her quite a few times. She kept up and never complained about anything. Even in her face I could see her struggling, I would ask if she was ok and she would say yes and keep pushing through. She even creamed me in the fitness test even though I could tell she physically was done. She is going to be a phenominal martial artist if she keeps up her determination. I was so proud of her, and I don't even know her.

Have a good week everyone!!! Ummmm...Can somebody help get me off my couch? I'm not even kidding, I'm stuck! :(

Leadership and The Voices In My Head

I always gravitate towards those that lead by example. People who's actions bring truth to their words. I have a really hard time listening to people tell me things when their actions and words contradict each other. If someone tells me to do something, that it would be good for me, I need to see that they are doing it so there's an example of where I could be if I do it too. I think that's how we need to lead the school with I Ho Chaun, especially with the big projects. When people see how much fun we have together it brings a vibe to the school that naturally attracts others. When we're doing things out of obligation but would rather be somewhere else, I think other's feel that as well. If we don't want to be there, why would they? I hope that our next school projects end up being just as much fun as Canada Day. If they are, we're going to have people banging on the doors to help.

I've always known my brain was my worst enemy. Sifu Freitag worked on teaching me to calm my mind during sparring class and it made a huge difference. I felt better and was able to learn without berating myself for sucking and getting all frustrated. I really need to learn how to do that on my own. It's going to take alot of practice and I'm not sure how to do it yet but I'm going to try. She could tell when my brain started working against me and immediately told me to shut it off. I'm sure she's not going to want to follow me around to snap me out of my thinking, so I'm going to have to learn my own tricks somehow. Wish me luck, my brain NEVER wants to turn off.

Well, there's my ramblings for the week, have a good one everyone!

Keeping Up

I find this year alot harder than last year. I haven't been able to attend my regular classes for awhile because of scheduling so I'm taking part in the advanced classes for now so I can stay in kung fu. I'm in Sanshao and we're learning lion dance in I Ho Chaun. There's also those classes where everyone is expected to perform their forms in front of everyone. I haven't been forced to do it, I've been open about how much fear I have about public performances but I still feel the pressure. I can't seem to keep up or do well with anything. I guess I just have to remember its ok to ask more questions, calm myself, remember that I'm not an experienced martial artist and remember I'm not naturally coordinated so it's going to take time. My body also isn't cooperating with me, so that's a whole other can of worms to deal with. I must learn patience with myself.

My Week in a Nutshell

I'm still sticking with posting daily on UBBT chat. Seems to be working for getting me to log. I like giving myself kindness challenges before my day starts, makes it more fun and it's way more fun now that people are joining in.

I'm finding Lao Gar quite difficult to grasp but I'm learning it. I keep trying to remember everything the Sifus are teaching me, but there's alot so I'm expecting to be corrected alot, which I'm ok with. I'll admit to not practicing my ropedart this year. I hit a brick wall with it. I'm ordering a video online and I'm hoping to learn more.

I had an awesome Canada Day. It was awesome how the day went and how everyone worked together so well. I actually did Da Mu Hsing in the park with everyone, doesn't technically count as a public performance but I'm still counting it anyway for myself. I also got to have my family over at my place for a bbq. My dad came to visit from Ontario, I only get to see him once every few years or so. After the bbq my dad and I headed to the legislature grounds to watch the fireworks so it was a really long but really great day.

I wish more people would join Sanshou, I'm not sure how everyone is getting their sparring reps in without it. I had a few people telling me when I started that they were going to be in the class, and then those people never showed up again...Is it me? I swear I'll start showering and wearing deoderant if that'll help... :) There were only 2 people in class tonight. That made me sort of sad, I'm nervous that if people don't start showing up that we may lose that class. I don't want that to happen because this is a big challenge for myself and I've been sticking with it.

I'm also struggling with lion dance, my feet and hands don't work together very well, I'm sure I'll get it eventually though, it'll probably just take me longer and I'll have to ask lots of questions.

Anyway, that's my week in a nutshell. I haven't been mirroring this to the I Ho Chaun blog because for some reason my copy/paste won't work. I am getting a new computer soon though, so hopefully that will change.

A Day In The Life Of Lindsay M. Gibbons

It's been a mixed bag of a week. I'm not very good at maintaining my requirements. I tend to allow genuine reasons become an excuse for me to get nothing done and be lazy, when in actuality, there's always something I could do. I don't remember to log either. I've tried blogging my numbers, carrying a piece of paper, making notes on my phone, nothing worked. I have to be accountable to other people, because if it's just me I procrastinate until a month or 2 go by and I realize I've done nothing. The past week, posting my numbers on the UBBT chat has made me consistently do some requirements every single day this week, and I think that's the first time ever. It's also more fun for me that people joined in and we can challenge each other with little kindness challenges and support each other. I think I've found a way finally that works for me.

My heart stopped when I realized everyone was doing their forms in class. I felt myself becoming as small as possible and making my way to the changeroom. I wish I wasn't that scared. It sucks, but I'm just not ready for that mountain quite yet.

I enjoyed San Shao class. It was fun and I wasn't frustrated. I usually just stand there frozen, not knowing what to do when sparring, but I learned some things and got to practice them. A huge weakness for me is combinations and sparring, so one of my goals this year was to work on that and make my required numbers.

Sometimes I think when your in a rut, the only answer is to force your way through and find a way to just do it.

Oh Bother!

I'm not sure how to write this blog without sounding complainy. I've been in pain quite a bit for almost a year. I do have weeks here and there where it goes away, but it's not seeming to last very long. Sometimes I think I have a solution, but then, nope, no such luck. I'm really frustrated with the medical system, apparently if you don't have cancer, nobody cares about helping you find out what's wrong. Between my side, my knee, my hip, my back, there's just no break in between and kung fu is the last thing I want to do. I don't even want to talk to anyone anymore because I don't want to answer questions such as "why weren't you here" and "why are you on the bench again". I'm tired of hearing my own voice complain about my ailments when I know so many people have it so much worse. Then there's the added pressure of trying to do everything to keep up with everyone else. I know I'm not supposed to worry about things like that, but I do especially when working with a partner and when I constantly feel like I'm embarrassing myself, why would I even want to bother. I seriously wish I could just feel normal for a little while. I finally acknowledged that I have become quite depressed dealing with my situation and it's snowballing into me not wanting to do anything that I used to enjoy. I sleep alot and have got super emotional which isn't like me. It took a few other people to notice it before I could even admit that I now have a bigger problem. I guess I have to push through it and keep hoping I find a doctor who can help. I haven't been doing my requirements. I think I may have to start doing a little and posting them everyday so I don't totally fall off the map. I'm stuck in a vicious circle, I can't seem to get out of.

Keep Going...

My favorite moments in kung fu have been when I've stuck around for 5-10 minutes after class. Sometimes you have the greatest conversations with people that help put things in a different perspective for you. I find it very useful to learn other people's thoughts of me because when you're clouded by your own brain, its hard to see your own strengths and weaknesses sometimes and it gives you a different view of what you may need to change. I seem to find it very easy to see my weaknesses and focus to much on them. I need to find a reasonable balance. Sticking around you also get to witness some pretty cool things. Yesterday Sihing MacDonald put up some milk jugs full of water and chopped them up really good with a sword. A few other people tried too. I wasn't so brave, I've hurt myself with a butter knife and knew better than to touch a sword.

I went in Friday with the full intention of quitting San Shao. After sitting and talking with Sifu Playter for awhile I'm going to give it a little longer and use it more as a tool for learning to curb my frustration and anxiety rather than worrying so much about the sparring part. He's also agreed to be my steady partner for sparring again. I think this will make me feel more comfortable taking a break when I get overly anxious and slowing it down alot because he understands what my issues are. I'm also hoping more students show up to participate so that there's more people working on their stuff so I don't feel that my awkwardness is highlighted.

Lion Dance I'm not enjoying so much. It's not that I don't like it at all, it's that I don't like that I feel like I'm slowing down the person that's partnered up with me. I just don't get it. The head feels so huge and unmanageable, my feet and hands don't do what they are supposed to do and my goodness does my back ever hurt being hunched over so much. How does one get everything coordinated together and why is everyone else picking it up so much faster than me? I like watching way better than participating. I keep watching the drums and trying to learn the rhythms. I'm going to be a drummer one day. I'm not sure I'm built or coordinated enough to be in a lion.

So I guess I'm still in a rut, but I know once I get through it I'll come out a better person...I hope.

Who Put This Giant "L" on my Forehead?

I'm past my blog date. To be honest I had nothing nice to say so I didn't say anything at all. Thought I'd snap out of it by now. I feel like the biggest loser ever right now. I'm still in the advanced class when I'm able to attend classes because of scheduling. I struggle to keep up but that was expected being an orange belt among blue and brown belts, so that's ok. I didn't attend my classes this week and I have no excuse other than I didn't want to go, I didn't want to do kung fu anymore.

I went to my Fridays I Ho Chaun class because I said I would and I try to always keep my word. I was put in the demo and even though it was for a few seconds, the thought of it terrified me. Every fibre of my being told me not to show up on Saturday, but I did, I forced myself too. As the demo grew closer my heart started to pound so loud it's the only thing I could hear. My body got really hot and my legs started to shake. I thought for sure that I would fall on my own arse as soon as I attempted a 'kick' to Sihing Tymchuks head. I didn't fall, I survived, I guess people cheered but I didn't hear much over the drumming of my own heart. I'm not sure my heart can handle that again, but at the same time, I remember being so inspired by the tiny chicks taking down the big guys while watching demos before I started kung fu. Could I possible, eventually inspire someone else? I wish I wasn't so darn afraid. I'm getting jealous of how awesome you all are, but too afraid to be awesome myself.

I'm still showing up to San Sao class. Every bit of it is challenging for me. I have the coordination of a baby giraffe trying to stand up for the first time, ok, actually, they're more coordinated than I am. It's all the little things that are hard too that I'm sure the other students don't even think of anymore, like the blocks hurt. It's not even that hard, but I still end up going home with bruises all over me. I suppose I have to toughen up for a real life situation though, afterall it is a sparring class, I just wish everything wasn't as much of a challenge as it is and I didn't get so frustrated with myself all the time.

So this is how my kung fu is going, I'm still around, barely, but still here. The only reason I keep showing up right now is because I really like the people on my team. I'm still hoping to get through this rough patch. I recognize how much the I Ho Chaun changed me for the better last year, so I know I should stick with it, even though I don't want to at this moment. I just wish there was at least one thing I was good at...

Too Many Things

Pandamonium is always fun. It's nice to see your training mates in a more casual situation and get to know them better. I hope we raised alot of money. It was awesome to see how many people supported the bake sale. I over indulged in way too many chocolate chip cookies.

I've been feeling a bit better. I've modified my diet and been drinking some herbal teas. At first this was wreaking havoc on my system but now I've seemed to be leveling out. I also have been trying to work with my sleep cycles to wake up at a better time. So far it seems like I've improved. I managed to make my classes this week, so I'm happy.

I'm a bit unmotivated with kung fu right now. I'm having a hard time learning anything new with my ropedart so I've kind of been leaving it to collect dust for the past while. I broke it out for a bit during Pandamonium but I haven't figured out how to progress with it. I also tried to go through alot of my orange belt curriculum and I've forgotten so much. I was practicing Long and it ended up being some weird Long/Lao Gar hybrid. During the knife defense portion I just kept stabbing myself. Good thing orange is one of my favorite colors. San Shao is going horribly. I'm so uncomfortable with alot of the techniques. If I'm told to shadow box, it just ends up being a bunch of random arm and leg flailing. It's just a whole bunch of awkwardness coming from my part. I'm the lowest ranking belt and the other students are bigger males. I need another uncoordinated female to join so when we're told to partner up, I'm not left standing by myself all the time. Sigh...I hope one day I get better.

Watching From the Sidelines

Watching from the sidelines has given me a different perspective on things. I've always been a people watcher. I notice when people are struggling and it's always been in my nature to want to help, but I don't always know how. I notice when people finally have their "ah-ha" moments when they figure out how to do something they've been struggling to do. I notice when people feel insecure about trying something new when people are around. I notice when people work really hard to get what they want. I notice so many things about the people I train with and whether I'm right or not in my observations, I admire all of my team mates on many different levels. You've all taught me things that you don't even realize and I thank you for it. Now it makes me wonder about how other's see me...Right now I'm just the girl on the bench...I really have to fix that. Believe me when I say, I'm working on it.

Helping Myself

I had my last doctor's appointment with the surgeon yesterday. After many, many, many tests, they officially cleared me of all the cancers they were checking me for. Honestly I thought that I had been cleared of that before when they told me the tumours looked benign, so I didn't even know I was being checked for cancer still. I am of course happy with that diagnosis, but why aren't they looking for something else other than that? I've done a lot of research on my own and what seems to me to be the problem is my digestive tract. I seem to have 95% of the symptoms and based on what I've read, there's a lot I can do myself to help. Most of it is diet. Now here's where I am stuck. I have nut allergies and allergies to most citrus. I can only stand most vegetables with cheese on them and it looks like I will need to cut out the dairy...So what on earth is left??? I tried Soy milk...yuck! I tried Almond milk...yuck! Now that I have what I think is wrong with me nailed down, I am going to go back to the doctor AGAIN and see what I can do. I have noticed a link between when I get a majority of pain to not long after I eat.

Now to my kung fu. Well, quite frankly I'm not doing well, not the first time I've said this. I haven't even been watching my classes because I hate explaining why I'm not participating because I'm just frustrated. I thought I could at least keep up with my acts of kindness, but I'm not even logging those anymore. I'm exhausted a lot and don't get off my couch very much. I need to change this. I've thought quite frequently of quitting, but I know I'd be mad at myself if I did. I just need to struggle through the next little while and get over this hump. I don't want to use my exhaustion as an excuse to be lazy but I feel sometimes I am. I just gotta keep going, and not give up. It's not too late to start over.

Truth Hurts but it's Good For You!

Have you ever watched the first couple episodes of American Idol? It amazes me how genuinely heartbroken some people are when they are told they suck. I bet these people have gone through their entire lives with everyone telling them how wonderful they are...Wouldn't it have been better is someone told them the truth? Told them that they needed work and in a kind way, helped them so that they were good? I'm pretty sure that would save them the heartbreak that, lets be honest, entertains the rest of us. So what's wrong with truth? I'm dead set against the "no zero" policies schools seem to have. To me, if you don't know the answers, you don't know the answers. It's the same for me with kung fu. I don't want a participant belt. I've been told things about myself I don't want to hear, but when I go home at night, its just fact, its truth, its coming from a good place, and it's something I need to work on. I used to be so very embarrassed needing to be corrected so much, but now I appreciate it. Don't get me wrong, I still get embarrassed now and again, but it's not as much as before and I know it's just because I'm doing something wrong and I'm being taught to do it right. I know that because I'm being told the truth, that when I get my blackbelt, I have earned it, honestly earned it, didn't try to earn it, just earned it. It won't be blue and it won't say participant.

How?

I'm not quite sure what to do to change things. Last year I did I Ho Chaun and changed alot about myself, but it felt really lonely. My friends stopped calling because "all you ever do is kung fu" and really I'm pretty sure I bored them to death because it's all I had to talk about. Josh and I barely saw each other too. This year I'm trying to balance things better, but now I just feel like a terrible team mate. I'm not sure where to find that balance and what to do about it.

I'm definitely one that has good intentions but doesn't follow through in alot of ways. I keep trying to log, but I don't. I don't do all the reps I'm supposed too. I don't do things publicly. I am trying to be better disciplined but I'm not sure how to do it while keeping everything important to me in balance. Public demos are something that's going to take me a long time to be able to do, even the thought of it makes me want to hurl. I know that it's something that's going to be alot of work.

I get up between 5am and 6am during the week, depending on what I have to do at work that day. I started trying to get up everyday at 5 and the days I don't have to be at work so early, my intention was to go to the gym. That happened once, I have an issue with my snooze button. The one day I did go, I felt really good about myself. I walked a mile, did modified ab and shoulder exercises, all before 6am and I felt that wonderful soreness throughout my body when you know you've had a good workout. But...IT's 5AM!

One thing I have to say I'm happy I'm doing is continuing San Shao. I don't like sparring because I feel really uncoordinated and awkward and I don't know what to do, I wanted to quit that class within the first 20 minutes, but I'm still there and calming down more as I'm learning things. When I am not frustrated with myself and learning, I enjoy it alot more. I was also super nervous to be in the back of the advanced class because I know I don't belong there, but I did, and the time works so much better with my schedule.

So, I guess my to do list is;

Go to the gym on the days I am not at work for 6:30am.
Continue going to San Shao.
Find a way to remember to log and do it!!!
Attend all my classes.

Public demos are going to still have to be a work in progress. I'm still not ready for that yet...I know the point of doing I Ho Chaun is to do things publicly, but I'm just not there yet, unless you want a demo consisting of a girl fainting in front of a whole bunch of people. In that case, I'm your girl! You could copy and paste Sifu Rybak's blog and insert it as mine, because I can relate completely.

Grateful to be Sick

We have a few people working for us who immigrated to Canada within the past few years. A couple of these people are the happiest people I have ever met. 2 of them are always smiling and singing and I've never heard them complain about anything, not even once. I learned that the 2 of them are both from Burma. One of them was taken from his family and forced to become a child soldier. The other one can't sleep in a bed because when he was escaping his country, he slept on the jungle floor, so to this day he sleeps on the floor where he lives. Both of them are happy to just not be being shot at on a daily bases. Some of these people's stories are incredible and so very humbling. So, yes I am thankful to just be sick, comfortable on my couch, in Canada.

I Didn't Even Know...

It wasn't until a couple days ago that I realized how much had changed. 2 years ago, I'd look in my cupboards and see Mr. Noodle, Mac and Cheese, cookies, chips and pretty much anything microwavable. Today I look in my cupboard and I see grains, spinach pasta, canned fruits and veggies and low sodium soups. 2 years ago, I'd look in my freezer and see microwavable dinners and ice cream. Today it's stocked with frozen fruit for morning smoothies. 2 years ago I'd look in my fridge and see sugary iced tea, and not much else but condiments. Today it's full of different leafy vegetables, mushrooms, cucumber, tomatoes, natural fruit juice and homemade granola bars. 2 years ago I walked with my feet splayed outward, head down and arms crossed. Today I walk with my feet straight, head up and arms at my side. 2 years ago I would never in a million years get out of bed earlier than I had to for anything unless my bed was on fire. Today I got up at 5am to go to the gym.

If I Ho Chaun changed me, it can change you...but you have to not give up. I failed and started over many times but I never stopped completely. If you feel resentful, angry or negative in any way, find someone to talk to. If you're missing classes to avoid something or because you're afraid of something, talk about it. You'll change in ways you won't even realize until you're looking back at yourself 2 years ago.

Gotta Keep Going

Still haven't been back to class. The plan is to start again on Wednesday. I had my first personal training session yesterday. I wasn't that impressed, so Josh is coming to the gym with me on Monday and help me come up with a routine. The plan is to go to the gym 4 days a week. 2 days for strength, 2 days for cardio and stretching. I just don't know where to start and I'm kind of uncomfortable being there so far because I don't know how to use the machines. Hopefully after Monday I'll get it sorted out.

I'm still looking into better food. Cruelty free meat is more expensive and harder to find, but I think if we all start being more responsible in our food choices the demand will create more options. Being responsible is the least I can do. So far Planet Organic seems alright, but I still have to research it further since the term "organic" and "cruelty free" are so loosely utilized. At least I'm heading in a better direction.

I still struggle with logging. I should probably start blogging my numbers again. It seems like a day turns to a week and a week into a month rather quickly if you're not accountable to anyone but yourself.

Happy Easter everyone!

What am I Going to do About it?

I've decided to force myself to feel better, it's going to be hard but the alternative is to keep getting weaker like I have been. I've missed alot of kung fu, alot from not feeling well and being so tired, and alot from being embarrassed about how out of shape I am now. I talked to Sifu Brinker and I'm going to attend the advanced class for a little while because it's earlier. At least this way I'm still learning kung fu and will follow along the best I can or practice at the back of the class. I will just have to go at my own pace until I'm ready to go back into my later class. I also got a personal trainer to help me gain some strength back. I told them I want to work on my core and shoulders so I can do more situps and pushups and I want to work on my endurance. They are going to start me off slowly. My intention is to go to the gym 3 times a week and start going to kung fu classes again as much as possible.

Josh and I also bought a whole bunch of frozen fruit and fresh veggies. My diet was slowly falling off the wagon but I'm back to fruit smoothies for breakfast and salads for lunch. I didn't even buy any Jalapeno Cheetos...even though I'm pretty sure they are the most delicious thing I've ever eaten. I even got a homemade tea made for me by Josh's friend who's studied herbology.

I hope I can keep up with my gameplan. I deleted Facebook off my phone, so I could dedicate the time I'd be wasting on Facebook, logging my numbers. I have the hardest time with that.

Wish me luck!

Well That's Embarrassing

So during Saturdays meeting frustration built up and I started to cry in front of everyone. How embarrassing. I don't cry in front of people so that's a first for me. I must've needed it.

The physical part of kung fu has been extremely difficult for me lately. 90% of me wants to just quit but what would that do for me. I'd end up rotting in front of my television. So I just have to keep going and do what I can. Lately I've been researching foods, watching documentaries and learning drum patterns for lion dance so one day I can do the drums. I've got a game plan to attend earlier classes when I can and if I can be patient with myself and not get frustrated at least I'll still be engaged with my training. I just need to accept the fact that I'm going to suck for awhile. I guess sucking for awhile is better than giving up and sucking forever. One day, I'll look at my numbers and be so proud of myself. Today is just not that day.

How I Am a Hyprocrite

I'm an animal lover. I have 3 cats, 3 bearded dragons and a snake. All rescued from unwanted homes. I would have a lot more too if room and money allowed me too. I love animals, I hate to admit alot more than people most days. I also eat meat, I see no problem with eating meat, but here's my dilemma. I made the huge mistake on researching where my meat comes from, it made me cry and absolutely sick to my stomach. I, like many others, liked to stay ignorant, imagining my bacon being picked from a bacon tree made me feel much better about what I was eating. I didn't imagine on what level many of these animals were being tortured simply to put meat fast enough on our grocery shelves. I won't go into gory details, but I can't claim to be an animal lover and continue to blindly shop for my food sources. I also can't imagine going vegetarian. What I can do, is be responsible. I can make sure these animals are having the best lives possible before being put down for human consumption. I will be researching farmers and making sure that I am not supporting something that is cruel and unnecessary. I urge you to do the same.

Sifu Lagner, I haven't checked your book the past couple classes, don't think I have forgotten about you.

Here's my accumulative numbers;

Pushups - 85
Modified Pushups - 1295
Tricept Pushups - 255

Situps - 135
Modified Situps - 480
Plank - 190

Miles - 96

Rounds of Sparring - 50

Lao Gar (the part I know)- 48
Ropedart - 46

Recorded Acts of Kindness - 78

My New Discovery

Oh my goodness I've made a new discovery FIRE ROPEDART. I'm pretty obsessed with watching Youtube videos about it. It's so cool. Think about it...The lights go out, Sifu Wetter, Sihing Krebs and Ms. Gibbons enter the stage with their firey ropes of doom. The blackbelt candidates have to make their way through this firey maze and escape while the blacklight dragon charges ferociously behind...

...Ok, back to reality...

I had my third San Shao class. It's still hard to force myself to go. I always feel bad for people who partner up with me since I'm the slow kid in class. Sifu Playter's knee injury doesn't allow him to spar much quite yet so he partnered up with me. He kept repeating similar strikes and kicks which allowed me to get my brain to calm down and start to figure out how to react to each thing. It started to help, by the end of the class I wasn't so frustrated. It's hard when I get different partners each round because they are all so different I don't get a chance to figure out what to do.

My week was pretty poor as far as numbers go, but I promised to post them so here are my accumulative numbers;

Pushups - 60
Modified Pushups - 1295
Tricept Pushups - 255

Situps - 135
Modified Situps - 480
Plank - 190 seconds

Miles - 82

Rounds of sparring - 50

Lao Gar (the part I know) - 36
Ropedart - 46

Acts of Kindness - 70

*I have to get much better at logging.

Rough Week

Had a rough week this week. The exhaustion is getting the better of me. Doctors say that my body is probably trying to fight the foreign growths in my liver, which is the probable cause of me getting sick so often and feeling tired so much, that, and an underactive thyroid (basically what was said but in more doctory terms). I can't wait until all the tests are over with in May so I can finally be treated. Getting pretty tired of feeling tired and weak. Apparently there's a mixture of things going on so a diagnosis is difficult. I get pains where I shouldn't be and no pain where I should be. I'm pretty mixed up. Didn't need a doctor to tell me that though. :)

I've been trying to work on the more mental aspects of the I Ho Chaun. I often am overcome by guilt, fear, frustration, and jealousy. When I can't do everything everyone expects me to do I feel guilty, even when I'm trying my best to balance my priorities. I really dislike having that nagging voice in the back of my head, it seems to always put a damper on whatever it is I've chosen to do. Fear has often lead me to completely avoid any situation that would cause me to feel it. Everyone from last year knows, I am very afraid of demos. I'm not sure why, I wasn't like that as a kid and nothing happened to cause it but it's there and it paralyses me. Now I'm more comfortable talking about it and learning how to deal with it and face it with little baby steps. I'm always frustrated with myself while practicing. My darn brain and body don't connect and combinations are my very worse enemy. Hence, starting San Shao, it's the class that will highlight every single one of my weaknesses, but if I can learn to just not become so frustrated with it, I'm sure I will get alot out of the class. I used to be jealous of people that were good at something I wanted to be good at. I actually don't feel that way anymore. I've realized people are good at something because they worked hard at it. They chose to practice instead of watching TV and I can make that choice too. Very often these people will help you and are happy to share their knowledge if you just ask. At least I've crossed jealousy off my list of negative thoughts.

I hope this blog makes sense, I get a little rambly sometimes.

As promised Sifu Lagner here are my accumulative numbers;

Pushups - 40
Modified Pushups - 1295
Tricept Pushups - 255

Situps - 135
Modified Situps - 430
Plank - 190

Miles - 74

Rounds of sparring - 44

Lao Gar (Part I know) - 26
Ropedart - 36

San Shao

I attended my first official San Shao class on Friday. The Sifu's and other students were great. I knew I wouldn't get hurt, but I didn't enjoy the class. The only reason I didn't enjoy it was because it's like someone asked me "What are the things you are the worst at in kung fu?"...and then made a class out of it. I need to keep my guards up, I need to use my feet, I need to use my hips, but for the life of me I can only remember to do one thing at a time and if I remember one thing I forget everything else. It's so frustrating when your brain knows it should be doing these things but your body just plain ignores you. I'm definitely going to have to force myself to go each week. Why bother? Because what if I can get better and never even tried?

On a positive note, I'm loving having people to practice ropedart with!

My accumulative numbers so far;

Pushups -40
Modified Pushups - 1175
Tricept Pushups - 235

Situps - 135
Modified Situps - 320
Plank - 165

Miles - 59.5

Rounds of Sparring - 44

Lao Gar (The part I know) - 22
Ropedart - 36

Recorded Acts of Kindness - 52

To Many Lemons to Make Lemonade

Well, I'm not going to lie, it's been pretty difficult to not to be depressed with all the personal crap I've been having to deal with lately. Seems like one thing after another. Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for trying to lead a healthier life. It would be so much easier to just give up and not even bother. When I start to feel to bad, I just try to make a mental list of all the things I have to be grateful for, or force myself to smile whether I like it or not. Seems to keep me from going insane so far.

Sifu Kichko, I owe you 500 modified pushups. I couldn't do them yesterday, I was really sick. I will do them as soon as I'm feeling better and post them for you.

Sifu J. Lagner - I forgot to bring my numbers when I watched class on Friday, so as promised, here they are;

Pushups - 40
Modified Pushups - 465
Tricept Pushups - 135

Situps - 115
Modified Situps - 210
Plank - 90 Seconds

Miles - 47.5

Rounds of Sparring - 9

Lao Gar (The part I know) - 16

Ropedart - 16

Recorded Acts of Kindness - 40

On a positive note: I read one book this week and I knit a washcloth, what I intended to be a washcloth anyway, looks like a piece of swiss cheese.

My Cat Ate My Pedometer

Yesterday I woke up in the earliest hours of the morning to a crunching sound. My cat was chewing on my pedometer. She's also taken to chewing on cellphones. I'm thinking her new name is going to be mittens pretty soon if she keeps it up. Good news is, I logged .3 of a mile while asleep. Yay me!

I haven't been doing so well with my numbers. I'm so exhausted lately, waking up early and staying awake past 8 is becoming difficult and if I don't do them in the morning, I don't do them at all. I need to fight it and just do it. Kung fu doesn't care if I'm tired, just have to find a way to do it. Period. I'm nervous to go back to my classes, and start San Shao, after the past few months I've gotten so weak and slow, it's pretty embarrassing but I know that the only way to get better is to just do it. No excuses, just results.

My numbers so far;

Pushups - 40
Modified Pushups - 395
Tricept Pushups - 115

Situps - 115
Modified Situps - 170
Plank - 70 seconds

Miles - 37.5

Rounds of Sparring - 9

Loa Gar Reps (The part I know) - 16
Ropedart Reps - 16

Recorded Acts of Kindness - 40

Get Out Of My Brain Mr. Smid

I'm really enjoying the blogging this year. It was getting a bit lonely nearing the end of the Snake Team. Mr. Smid's blogs make me smile because I know exactly what he's writing about because I've had the exact same thoughts. Thanks for helping me feel normal Mr. Smid. :)

Keep blogging everyone! We all can help each other so much better when we know what your struggling with, and we'll all know who to ask questions when you are successful at something. I'm really enjoying reading everyone's thoughts with my morning coffee in hand. I can actually hear everyone's voices as I read your blogs so it's like you're talking to me in my head. Please tell me I'm not the only weird one doing that.

Not So Lonely Anymore

Last year I remember spending alot of time alone in the corner during I Ho Chaun class. I stared at my weapon, my weapon stared at me, and we didn't quite know what to think of each other. I spent alot of time watching everyone else to afraid to show my awkward clumsiness in front of a bunch of higher level belts. This year is way more fun already. I think part of it is that I've become more comfortable with my awkwardness and the other part is that there's 3 other people with their hinged weapons in the same corner with me. It's going to be awesome learning new things from each other and I'm really excited about it. Sifu Wetter and Sihing Krebs, Supercat40 Rope Dart tutorials are really good on Youtube. He slows it down step by step and it's super easy to follow.

My personal goals have alot to do with family and spending time with them. I have a goal of having at least 52 dates with Josh. With him going to school and working, our schedules don't really match up and last year we spent little time together. This year I want that to be different. I also included times I want to spend with my Mom, Grandma and conversations I want to have with my Dad. I want to read 12 books this year. I want to calm my temper and be nicer, especially when driving. I also have a more personal one that I'm going to work on as well.

My logged numbers are:

Pushups - 40
Modified Pushups - 275
Tricept Pushups - 75

Situps - 55
Modified Situps - 120
Plank - 50seconds

Miles - 25.5

Rounds of Sparring - 9

Lao Gar Reps - 10 (The tiny part I know)
Ropedart Reps - 16

Recorded Acts of Kindness - 30

Feel Like I Lost 5000 lbs

I ended last year pretty rough and started this one the same. Around October of last year I started feeling more tired, weaker and ran out of breath quicker, which was weird to me because I thought that I should be doing better, not worse, so I just assumed it was winter blues, I hate the cold. December was even worse. I struggled everyday to just stay awake and was having other issues as well so I made a doctors appointment. They thought I was anemic maybe had a problem with my kidney so I was sent for blood tests, urine tests and ultrasounds. During a second ultrasound for my abdomen the girl came in and told me to call my doctor immediately. I called my doctor and was told to come in the very next morning. I was told they found 4 masses on my liver and I needed to be rushed for a CT scan. I had about 6 different doctors appointments within a span of 2 weeks. My doctor thought it was possible that I may have liver cancer. I found out Friday at around 3pm that the masses look benign. *Huge sigh of relief* I still have to go for a MRI and get a biopsy done to confirm and figure out what these things are growing in my liver but I'm no longer considered an "emergency patient". I felt so incredibly light going to class Friday and having the worse case scenario lifted off my shoulders. I had explained the situation to Sifu Brinker so he knew why I had completely disappeared, but was uncomfortable talking about it with anyone else. The reason I'm sharing this now is because I know I'm ok and to tell you to TRUST YOUR BODY. If anything is unusual for you, talk about it to someone and get in with a doctor. Your body will tell you if it's not happy and you need to figure out why and not give up. Also, if people aren't showing up to class, don't assume bad things, sometimes things are just difficult to talk about. During these hospital visits my Mom's Dad had passed away too, so needless to say, life got in the way. Right now, because of the past couple months I feel I am a much more calmer, compassionate and empathetic person...I hope I can remember this the next time someone cuts me off in traffic. :) I'm still a work in progress...

So this year I'm off to a really slow start, but after yesterdays class and yesterdays good news I feel like I'm going to do way better for myself this year. I'm making deals everywhere with people to make myself accountable for my actions. I'm working on balancing my life to include those I neglected last year with my training. I will commit to my Monday and Wednesday classes (I'm going to get my blue belt this year!) and I will come to Fridays classes and Saturday meeting times but I may have to say no when it comes to some of the other stuff so I apologize in advance. I need to stick to my new schedule and keep a maintainable pace without neglecting everything else. I'm an all or nothing person and I want that to change. It definitely is all about balance and I want to focus on not having to many highs and lows this year. I will start posting my numbers starting with my next blog.

Congrats Sifu Csillag and Sifu Langner!

Best Chinese New Years banquet ever! It was my first banquet that inspired me to start kung fu and each year re-engages me to keep going. This was my favorite one yet! I think it's because I got to witness everyone's journey this year to a small degree. It made me feel so incredibly happy watching everyone get their very deserved promotions. I see now how hard it is and have a very deep respect for the process that I never would've had if I wasn't in the I Ho Chaun. I really love the group of people I spend this year with. You each helped me in some way, and I've never seen a like minded group like this filled with such positive intentions. I've gone from "I need to find another martial arts school closer to home" to "When can I move back to Stony Plain so I can be closer to the school?"

I feel the last couple months I missed out on alot. Unfortunately circumstances have made it so that I wasn't able to attend classes, I'm hoping this will change within the next month or so and things will be back to normal. Thank you Snake Team for teaching me so many things. I'll miss those that aren't on the team again this year and look forward to getting inspired by the members of the Year of the Horse.

Who Am I Now?

This is probably my last post as part of the Snake Team and I can't help but be a little reflective. This I Ho Chaun year has changed me in so many ways. I didn't fully complete many of the requirements but I see the benefit of starting to encorporate each one into my life. This year faced me with pretty much all my weaknesses and it was a difficult journey but well worth taking. I didn't realize how much time I wasted doing nothing but wasting away until this year. My diet was pretty gross when I think back on what I ate and I never really had any sort of sense of accomplishment, this year has been a little different.


Each requirement helped me in different ways. Having personal goals is a sure way of making sure I couldn't procrastinate and gave me a good kick in the rear to not keep putting things off. The pushups and situps helped with disciplining myself. The acts of kindness really made me face reality of the choices I make everyday and how I am impacting people. The logging showed my progress. The blogging shared my journey with others who may be facing the same issues and may be uncomfortable talking about it, therefore just maybe inspiring someone, that they can do this too. It was also a way to reach out to others when I couldn't say things face to face. Performing in front of others helped me to start allowing my body to react and use its muscle memory without allowing my mind to interfere. (This one is still a major work in progress) The kilometers got me off my lazy butt. The forms reps gave me a better eye for detail and allowed me to start feeling how my body moves. And, well the weapons form was just fun. By not being able to quit, I failed and started over many times but still slowly learned not to give up. It's simply a process to start changing your life for the better and you don't actually fail unless you stop trying. It's interesting too how I started adding more and different goals as the year progressed as I saw more things in myself I wanted to change. I still watch movies and some shows on Netflix but am learning how to knit so I'm not just rotting on my couch while doing so. I also started treating myself to manicures and pedicures on payday, I would never, ever do that before, but why not be nice to myself once in awhile.


I really enjoyed the group this year, I don't think that I've ever been around such a good group of people. I've learned so much from each of you and thank everyone who helped me along the way. I love the energy around the kwoon and like being there. I'm trying to convince Josh to move back to Spruce Grove when he's done school.


If you're reading this and think you can't do it, you can. If I can, you can. I was 30 when I started kung fu. Being older and out of shape has it's challenges but it's better than spending the rest of my life accomplishing nothing in front of a television.

Jedi Mind Tricks?

Well, I'm frustrated. Still haven't found out what's wrong with me. I think the biggest problem is that my doctor went on vacation and I saw another doctor who sent me for another series of tests and I still don't have an answer. It's probably something stupid and they'll give me a pill for 5 days and everything will be better. It would be nice to know what's going on with my abdominal/kidney area though so I can be done with it. My hip and knee have been acting up again too, especially the knee. Josh looked at it yesterday and said it was really swollen. How that happened? No idea. I've been doing absolutely everything suggested to me. Bought a new bed, bought orthotics, saw a chiropractor...How much does one spend before it's enough? Needless to say, lately I'm pretty cranky. I've been researching lately how the mind works. I've always thought that training your brain into manifesting what it is you want in life is a bunch of malarkey and quite frankly super positive people annoy me. (I'm really not a terrible person) But I've come to the conclusion that I need to be more open minded and maybe, just maybe bringing more positivity in my life won't be such a bad thing, we'll see. OPEN MIND! I'm unsure of how I decided to do the horse team. I had changed my mind a few times and was going to back out. I even had a letter written to Sifu Brinker that I was going to give him telling him I changed my mind again and don't want to do the I Ho Chaun the day I decided instead to just pay for it and keep the letter to myself. I guess I realized that this is good for me and I like you people. Lots of thing did change for me this year, and I definitely recognize the difference in myself and I guess I'm starting to like me a little. I can't wait to be back to regular classes. I felt really out of place watching from the sidelines on Saturday. Thanks to those who took a minute to come talk to me, it made me not feel so left out. The dragon dance looks fantastic and the demo is awesome. One day I'll be brave enough...Positive thinking right? We'll see how that goes.

Changing Bad Habits

You'd think after a year of I Ho Chaun I'd have a disciplined scheduled down pat. Heck no, I'm always forgetting to do pushup and situps, I rarely remember to log things and I just can't seem to get it together. This year I'm going to work on consistency, smaller, more realistic goals that I can maintain for the whole year so I don't spike and drop so much in my training. Right now I'm working on associating breakfast and dinner with vitamins and pushups and situps. It seems to take forever to break a lifetime of bad habits. One day I'll get this if I just keep trying.

It's Been Awhile

Haven't been to class and practices lately. Sorry. Most of it is due to being sick and really icy roads by my place. Although that's the main reason, if I'm honest, It's not the whole reason I haven't been motivated to go to practices. I do not want to be in the demo. I sort of feel like the only way to get away from it is to not show up. I was reassured I won't be put on stage if I don't want to be, but even practicing now during open training with all these extra people around makes me want to just leave. It's nothing anyone did, and I know everyone is just trying to help me with this fear and I know that intentions are very good by not wanting to make me feel left out, it's a personal thing. It was a giant step for me to even do my form in front of the I Ho Chaun group, but I'm not ready for anything beyond that yet. Yes, I feel bad, but I can't help it. I also understand that a lot of you have anxiety and fears about doing your forms in front of people too, and I admire you for being able to conquer that but I just plain can't right now, I'm just too much of a chicken I guess.

New Years Resolutions

Happy New Years everyone! Josh asked me yesterday if I had any resolutions. I said no, I'm in the I Ho Chuan, that's a big resolution itself. I guess if anything my goal is to do better with the physical stuff than this year. I feel this year was terrible for things like pushups and situps. I've stopped and started so many times, I didn't progress at all. I'm kind of in a valley right now with training. I'm having a really hard time doing pushups and situps at all, even modified ones. I've gone as far as I can go with anything in regards to public performances and I haven't been making my classes. I wish I could say when I'm not in class I'm practicing at home, but I'm not. I need that motivation that I get from being in the kwoon. I really need to change that this time around, I just have to figure out a way that works for me. I think we just may have to move back to Spruce Grove when Josh is done school.